Cleft Lip / Palate Support Group
Cleft is a congenital deformity caused by a failure in facial development during gestation. It can be treated with surgery shortly after birth with highly successful results. Cleft occurs in somewhere between one in 600 and one in 800 births. Cleft occurs in several severities and is divided in two major categories: cleft lip and cleft palate.
so, honestly it's been awhile since anyone has made fun of how i looked. but i've realized, especially today when someone said i had a "fucked up face" that, that's all that people have against me. the only thing that people can say is "you have a fucked up lip." but when i look at everything else i have going on in my life, i have great friends, an amazing family who stands behind me, and a loving boyfriend who tells me i'm beautiful every day. there's so much that we all have going for us besides the negativity that only the people who have nothing better to do but see our flaws. but our flaws are what makes us who we are. the loving people who aren't quick to judge other people because we know what it feels like. it feels amazing to come here and express how i feel because i know you can all relate. as much as it hurts, i wake up every morning and tell myself that i'm a stronger person because of everything that i've been through. sorry for all of this, just needed to get it out :)
..personally I feel a little return negativity in the form of sarcasm would not be inappropriate... I imagine someone saying that to me and responding with a smirk, "you've got a fucked-up SOUL." If they then claim that I just resort to that because it's all I've got, I just laugh and say "well, I hope nothing happens to that pretty face of yours, cause if it ever got a little scratch you'd have nothing to live for anymore, would you?" And so on.
That said... I have a childhood story. In grade school there was a boy who rode my bus and teased me for years and called me "Flat Nose 38". Some sort of cartoon character. It hurt deeply each time he said it. In all those years I never mentioned his odd looking head. it was very flat, like a child who is left on its back all of the time... day and night. You don't see it too much anymore. One day, I guess I had enough and I called him "Flathead 38". He never bothered me again! Oddly enough, when I was older I felt sorry that I had said such a thing, because it lowered me to his level. On the other hand it shut his little mouth and he never hassled me again. Neither did anyone else on the bus, for that matter!
But regardless of which gender, I think we should (and do) have more options in these situations than just the two of either be dragged down to their level by being aggressive in return or let it go and depend on karma to even the scales. I recall something my therapist told me recently, about the difference between aggression, passive-aggression and just being assertive. Aggressive would be responding in exactly the same manner, kinda like the remark I proposed or when barbieO had enough and returned the insult. Passive-aggressive is when your words say nothing but your actions say another. For example, say you don't say anything in response to a hurtful comment, but the anger (or despair) you feel inside shows through your actions. And then the ideal would be just being assertive, speaking up just enough to defend your dignity while not demeaning yourself by being insulting.
I'm going to think about this some more, maybe start another thread. It's a fine line to draw but I think it's important. Ladies, I respect your opinions and good natures.
Looking at it in terms of the Golden Rule: of course I would prefer not be mocked. However, if I did have some habit of mocking or demeaning others, I would like for someone to correct me on that score. That's why I prefer to act as if that person is acting according to the Golden Rule themself, in that by their words they are asking to be challenged.
What we think about ourselves does matter -- and this is what people will take aim at. So you have to have dealt with that in order to deflect somebody else's attack. And when you realize there is a link between "their own stuff" and their attempt to mock you, that's when you realize you have a choice. You can respond in kind and take advantage of their weakness, but an eye for an eye all the time would make the whole world blind. The key is to take aim at the tendency for that person to ignore their own problems and project it all onto you. They want to make us some sort of martyr symbol for being taken advantage of by life, as if that's never going to happen when you have an A&F summer catalogue physical everything.
You can even respond to these people with patronizing pity, because they deserve it. They don't realize the human spirit can be equal to a cleft palate or many other things besides. So they don't think much of themselves or their species or themselves -- a problem of self-esteem. By standing your ground and helping them challenge those beliefs, you can be a symbol of something greater.
"Know yourself, know your enemy and know the battlefield, and you will not lose one battle in a thousand." - Sun Tzu, The Art Of War.
"An enemy attacks you, you have two options. You can embrace it or deflect it; why fight it?" -- from the movie Red Belt