You can't let people that toxic influence your life. If I were you, I would have blown up at them already-lol
My advice is to first get a place af your own where you have the ability to get away from thier bad attitude, then see where to go from there.

I have the same thing with my mom: she even breaks her blood pressure pills in half so she doesn't 'get addicted'! Now I tell her nothing and I advise you to avoid these situations by refraining from talking about pills or taking pills in front ot them. Give them nothing to talk about....but be aware that this is the joy of their lives ! (I'll bet you a million dollars that they are miserable, unhappy people, too!)

Ellen, Welcome and HUGS to you !!! Thers not much more that I can add to your situation but what the first 2 posters have said. I am sure you know that you just cannot change the way people think or behave. It will only add to your already painful and stressed out situation. With everyone else having that messed up opinion you sure don't need to put any more stress on you !!! Just let it go, I know its hard, but maybe with time and hope they will cut you a break !! Just avoid the sitch if you can !!! Hugs, Deb

Hey Ellen. A lot of people seem tohave this problem. I agree with what's been said, avoid talking about it with them and take your meds in private. You can't change the way people think and until they need meds they will never understand. I am sorry you do not get the support you deserve and I really don't understand some people. If they continue to harrass you I would say that this is a decision you and your doctor have come to and that he says you need this medication and since he was the one who went to med school, you are going to listen to him. Thank them for their concern but you have made your decision and will no longer discuss it with them.

Melissa

Ellen, Welcome to DS and hugs to you!! First off everyones replys are right on.. You don't need that toxic behaviour in your life. And who gives a crap what anybody thinks. I gave up along time ago caring what my family members have to say. I can tell you that until CP happens to one of them they will never ever ever "get it". I know. My sister is a 10 year CP sufferer and takes a bunch of different meds responsibly. Back then before I got hit with CP I gave her a horrible time about it. Once I became ill and have to rely on my meds everyday I apologized to her and now were closer then ever. When my parents or siblings start going off about her CP behind her back I defend her tooth and nail! How could anybody be so ignorant and cold? I mean come on! Kick someone while there down? Have you seen the "Letter to the normals" yet? If not let me know I will bump it up so you can read it. When I first read it I started crying.. It hit the nail on the head for me. After I read it I decided right then and there I would NOT apologize for my CP anymore! I hope things get better for you soon. Stressful situations like that are not good for CP. Where here for ya anytime!

~hugs

Hello and Welcome,
Is unfortunate that a lot of people in chronic pain still this day have to get "attacked" and belittle by family members and/or friends because they need to take medications for their conditions, it all comes from ignorance and the darn stigma that exists in our community thanks to the deaths of people like Anna Nicole Smith, Michael Jackson and the rest, that used medications like candy because they had the money to pay for them!!!

A long time ago I posted a "Letter To Normals, From Someone in Chronic Pain". Kmiller just bumped it up (thanks hun), I will advice you to read it, and to print a couple of them to give to your more sensible family members and NOT to your brother! Because if he is on drugs and alcohol he is going to give a crap about it.

Come in here to talk anytime that you need to open up, and try to keep your health issues private. Since your family does not understand, why bother, right? Is only going to cost you more pain...... We understand and we will listen! So welcome and know that you are not alone... you have a "family" that understands right here! OK?

Hugs,
Tipper

I know that sometimes family and friends just do not understand. I had to just stop associating with the ones who brought negativity into my life. It does nothing but make the pain worse becasue of it putting more stress on us. i hope that it gets better for you. Sometimes they just need to hear the truth weatherthey like it or not .

eascusa- i am so sorry for your situation...that's just not fair! I went through a thing with an aunt(i'm only 25 and her "daughter" she has no kids) when i first started taking my oxycontin she would ride my butt about "popping pills" instead of trying to fix the problem. Even though i've tried just about everything from shots to PT and am now looking at surgery. It took me 2 of the 3 years i've been on these meds(also mental meds too) before i went through 2 weeks of NO MEDS just to see how bad my back pain really was.....i needed to know i wasnt just "addicted" the pain she saw me in and the change in my mental stablity was so severe she actually advised me to go back on them :) i know not everyone will understand and not everyone can be convinced like my aunt. But you know in your heart u take these meds to give yourself a better life. just like previous posts stay away from giving them "ammo" take meds in private and dont talk to them about it....be vague if they ask. if you every need to talk i'm here on and off almost everyday- Kate
P.S. As for the drunken brother....misery loves company...he may be trying to make you miserable just be cause he's miserable about someone commenting on his drinking????

Ellen,

Been through this. I haven't spoken with my family for nearly three years now, and following the initial grief, that decision has become the most liberating experience I can remember. I harbor no ill feelings or need for revenge; I am simply coldly indifferent, and don't often think about them. I do not apoligize to anyone for it. When affections are used as a weapon to beat you over the head, withdraw from allowing them the weapon.

As far as living with family, no rent is so expensive, and no loan has such high interest as that paid to family. It's a simple choice of temporary inconvenience to withdraw from the situation and establish yourself versus the misery of family politics on a daily basis. No need for confrontation or argument if you simply decide to leave them behind and strike out on your own. Intimidation and weakness is a chosen position. You must make your own life, comfort and happiness. It is an adventure if you will recognize it as such.

I hope I didn't sound like too much of a Dutch uncle. I hope I have been of some help.

-Snake

This absolutely sucks. The people you should be able to count on for support are the first to judge and attack you. And those opinions prevailing in your family makes sense too. My husband got his judgmental know it all attitude from his mother who swears she has been through it all and if she didn't let it affect her than no one else should. Oh, and it's all in your head too. My husband swears that that if I truly wanted to be better, I could be better. According to him, I just need to decide to be healthy and I could mentally heal myself.
Point being: You are not alone. I have just stopped sharing any details about what meds or treatment I am receiving. You can decide what is the most effective way to tell your family to shut up about your condition.

Ellen,

On reviewing, I fear I made it sound as though divorcing your family is the only option. It is not. However, in my case it was. Their shenanigans have been going on for decades. I waited until my mother pse, if you can get along with passed away, and then it was goodbye.

Of course if you can maintain a relationship with mutual respect, by all means do it.

And forgive. Forgiveness is the decision not to pay back someone whom you have a claim against in kind, as I have heard it defined. This includes not bringing it up again. It does not mean you forget; I only have to touch an electric fence once.

You cannot change others, but you can decide not to live with angry feelings which hurt you. It is rational not to continue to hurt yourself, and pride has nothing to do with it.

-Snake

It sucks. I have been there. It does hurt even if they are in the wrong because I thought my family would be there for me as they were in so many difficult situations throughout my life. As I had been there for them as well. I not only got it to my face with words, looks and being totally ignored, I was the hottest gossip item. I learned this from one of my sisters who thinks she is supportive of me. I was always very close to her but her support is like this tough love kind of thing, "What are you DOING to try and get better?!". The other two sisters implied time after time I was a fake, lazy, didn't want to work, wanted this life, had a bad doctor and am such a mess because I take medication. The worst one who enjoys seeing me this bad off I learned was also trying to brainwash my daughter with all her ignorant opinions about me. I am not at war with them but so fortunate to have been moved away from them by a friend who opened her doors to me. I live in a stress free, accepting environment and feel soooo much better emotionally now. I decided after trying to help them understand and getting this treatment for at least 6 years now that I will never try to help them understand again. I have a changed relationship with them and with the worst one I will not speak any deeper to than "how's the weather" conversations. That sister is truly a mean person. My goal here at DS is repairing relationships(family mostly) but there can be no repair with the mean one so I just let her go without feelings of resentment. I just don't get it. But our stories are so common for people in chronic pain. We deal with butthead doctors and family members who treat us like crap because we got sick and disabled, as if the challenges and losses are not enough. I hope you can move out of your brother's place soon. Hang in there. We have each other here at DS and I thank God for that.

Sherry

I think most of us have learned that "Family" are NOT the people we need to trust or depend on. Too many issues, too much guilt, too much crap. WHY try to "depend" on people who are only going to use you for gossip, give you shitty "advise" "Well, if I had those migraines, I just wouldn't let them get to me. I'd tough it out." Or, "those meds are toxic. They are worse than the pain, I would think." Or, "Can't they give you something that isn't 'addictive?'" I HEAR the word "Addictive" coming out of someone's mouth, when it comes to pain meds, even if I wasn't the one to mention it I KNOW NEVER TO DISCUSS MY PROBLEMS WITH THEM.

I don't believe in "shoulds." Like "my family "should" support me." My family "should" give me acceptance all the time." There just isn't any "shoulds" with "family." WHY? For a few reasons, First, they have their OWN problems, (And those are NO less disturbing to them, than MY pain is to me. I AM NOT the "special one" simply because I have excruciating pain.. I EXPECT NOTHING from them, because I am in pain. NOTHING.) Second, They aren't trained in Chronic Pain Management. Third They don't HAVE chronic pain, and some people don't UNDERSTAND anything that isn't in their small realm of experience. Most people do not care to see beyond the tip of their own nose, and if there is not chronic pain of your type before that nose, they won't care to learn about it. Fourth. People BURN OUT. Caring for their own problems, AND having to constantly care about MY issues isn't something I have a RIGHT to do to them. They have feelings, too. So, I keep my issues quiet and expect nothing. I'm not special, I am not in "worse shape" than they are, they have a RIGHT to live their lives, without it being totally dedicated to ME, and I care enough about them to NOT include them in my issues and treatments and pain.

I never, never, never share information about my meds with ANYONE other than my doctor my nurse, and people on this group. My family is NOT educated enough about chronic pain to understand, as MOST people they THINK they have enough information, but they have NONE, and I don't need to be judged by people who KNOW less than I do about MY problems.

So, to keep peace, and not get judged I NEVER mention the names, amounts or ANY information about my meds or detailed information about my condition. My mother practices "my life is worse than yours" and "I am special because I am sick" politics. (she has a chronic disorder cause totally by the fact that she REFUSED to give up her F*%ing cigarettes, after years of warning.) When I was a child and teenager, and my migraines started, she actually said to me, many times, "YOU have no idea what pain is. MY pain is much much worse. You can't even imagine." I knew she was full of shit when I was 10, and I know it now. My father has NEVER had a single health problem in his life (the occasional cold, where he thinks it's cancer and he's dying, and he thinks he has "Environmental Allergy" when all he has is uncontrolled OCD, and a manipulative personality disorder. THESE are not people I am going to "share" my health concerns with.

I bet my situation is similar to others. You can't make people care, you can't make them understand. Say your personal goodbyes to the "unconditional love" you were "supposed to" get and carry on. Really, depending on people who have their own issues is USELESS, I KNOW I am not alone in experiencing this, and I am not alone in realizing it. The most miserable existence is reserved for people who THINK others are going to care, know or understand when it is obvious they NEVER will. It's like being in love with someone who doesn't know you are alive. Useless, sad, and nothing will ever come of it but regret.

Negative? (Some have accused me of being so.) Maybe. Realistic? ABSOLUTELY. My mother is NOT "my best friend" (thank GOD, I have enough issues.) My children are NOT my best friends nor are they my confidants NOR my caretakers. family is many things, but most are NOT "there when you need them." Not if you have a chronic condition that can't be fixed quickly so they can go back to their lives with great story about how "supportive" they were. Most people's "supportiveness" only lasts a few weeks,. if you are still sick then, it's "your fault." I don't believe this, your pain is NOT your fault, but too many people use their supposed "supportiveness" for others only as a tool to let other people know how wonderful they are, and that support runs dry if they don't have a "happy ending" to their story to tell others in a short time.

The people here will support you. HOWEVER. "Support" does not and never meant "agree with everything you say." We know you are in pain, we CARE, but many of us do what should be done. give you support with a HUGE dose of Reality. CHRONIC PAIN SUCKS AND MOST OF IT IS SUFFERED ALONE. That's it.. Why? It just IS. That's all.

I was almost robbed of my meds by a person who I thought I could trust, and was stupid enough to tell what meds I was on. I had a now EX friend somehow get my pharmacy records from the pharmacy (I left that pharmacy and SHOULD have filed charges) and show them to family members, to make herself look like a "rescuer" when in reality all she wanted was DRAMA. I will NEVER again share the details of my treatment or even my condition with people, because they DON'T and mostly CAN'T understand. My doctor is trustworthy, my pharmacist is, my nurse is. I love my husband, but keep the details to a minimum. It's hard enough to him to have to support t large family on his own, without my constantly needing "reassurance" or expecting him to "rescue" me.

I REFUSE to use my children as my "support system" because I do NOT think that is healthy. I am supposed to care for them, NOT the other way around. With the exception of my older kids very occasionally picking up a WELL STAPLED prescription for me, so they have NO idea what it is (and now my pharmacy delivers, so I don't even do that) or asking one of my kids to get my purse, I DO NOT involve them in my treatment. It just isn't fair. They're kids. They are not built in nurses. I WON'T cause them or try to make them my "rescuers." It just isn't fair to them. I want their lives to be GOOD, not constantly worrying about me.

As for my parents. I keep it on the down low. If they ask how I am, I simply use 2 word answers, "Better/" "Not great." "Hurts today." "Not bad." THAT'S IT. WHY? Because it's all they can understand.

As CP patients we have to learn to be strong. Stronger than normal people. NOBODY IS GOING TO SAVE US. Maybe a good doctor will care, and understand and prescribe well. But, for the most part, that is it.

I know it sounds cold. The world is COLD. We have to survive, and usually most of that survival is a result of our own internal reserves. We have to cultivate a STRONGER reserve than most people, or we won't survive.

For the most part, "Family" won't do it. Not for a long time. Maybe just long enough to get a good story to tell their friends, but usually not for Life. And to be honest, I DON'T WANT my family to spend their lives doing little but dealing with MY issues, and in order to deal wit those issues TOO MUCH would be expected. SO, I expect and ask for NOTHING.

Your mileage may vary. (That means you don't have to agree with me. I had to say what I said.)

Gee, Pgell, we must be in the same family...Snake

Thank you everyone who posted. Im glad I am not alone but sorry that all of you know exactly how I feel. PGell, I love what you said. I even printed it out to read later when it happens again(Is that weird?)
Sherry, that is what I get from my Dad almost evry day. "What are you DOING to try and get better". He will ask me that about my health, about my income, about EVERYTHING! I am so sick of it. I stay away from everyone as much as I can and always do better when I do. I try not to answer the phone to them because I already know what they are going to say. They don't understand this and get upset because I won't let them put me down every second. Snake, I am trying to forgive but it is hard when it still goes on. I have asked them to stop before. I have had "the talk" with them but it doesn't matter. Iv gotten upset and blown up at times. I also tried to be as nice and as understanding as I could. But none of this matters. I think what it is, is that they are also in need of some serious therapy for other things (such as my father who is Narcissistic) and I just need to stay away. Or else I get hurt. Which is exactly what I try to do since I was 15 and ran away to another state just to get away. Anyway, thanks, everyone.
Ellen