How can a blind person know what yellow is? How can the rich know poverty? How can the healthy understand pain?

We understand.

Do you really want to know? K, here goes......When we're in pain all the time, we tend to get snappy and don't even realize it. In time, as it wears on us, the pain starts to cause bitterness and anger, and sometimes even hate. I'm sure you love your wife and the last thing you want to do is hurt her. Perhaps she just doesn't understand.

I've just been thru this, that's why I'm saying this. Thankfully, I managed to be nice to my hubby. But my family and friends, I blamed them for things I shouldn't have. Now I have to go back and right some wrongs. I was so busy being in pain, I forgot about the people I love. We tend to turn inward when we are in pain. I get real quiet, that's how my hubby knows I'm in pain. And maybe that's why I never got snappy with him, he understands because he deals with chronic pain too from an accident 13 yrs ago . I let pain take over my life, and it's easy to fall into that trap. The devil wanted to steal my joy, and I had let him win. Once I started putting God first, before myself, AND started changing my negative attitude back to positive, I started to see a change in myself. That's when I realized I had withdrawn from my family and friends and they couldn't understand why I was so bitter.

Maybe it's time for you to look in the mirror. We all have to do it at some point. I didn't necessarily like what I saw, in fact, some things were downright ugly. But I wish to God that someone would have told me these things many years ago. So instead, I'm stuck with the fact that I lost alot of years that I can't get back. Don't wait until you lose people that you love to take a peek at your innerds. You don't want to have a bunch of regrets that could have been avoided. It took me 45 years to wake up. It's sad to think anyone would want to wait that long.

It's easy to keep doing what you're doing, but you'll keep getting the same results. It's difficult to try to completely change the way you view life. But man, is it worth the effort in the end. Look at all the beautiful things in your life. Think of all the reasons why you fell in love with your wife. Be grateful for all the things you have and the things you can do.

Don't take the small things for granted. Ask for God's help in doing these thing in your life and I guarantee your eyes will just start opening, and suddenly start noticing everything around you. Things start to matter more than ever. And really, it is a beautiful world!!! Sometimes we need to take a real close look at life and remember the things that are important to us and why.

I wish you nothing but happiness.
j

Yeah, I get that! My hubby is great and does amazingly well, but even he gets bogged down with the stress. I get it more from the rest of the family. I try to remember that they have no real idea what we go through and that our illnesses effect them in ways I can't quite get. Still, it really ticks me off sometimes. It is even harder to deal with if we are going through a rough, uh.....rougher, patch.

What I have found that helps is counseling. I do independent and hubby and I do marriage and we do family with our 6yo. Granted we are lucky to have a great mental health facility here who takes medicaid. At first J was like we don't need this......I think he was looking at it as for people who had "real" problems.........then I pointed out just how "real" the impact of my chronic illness and pain has had on all of us.......so he said ok. Best thing we ever did.

Sometimes we all just need a little help. We are so used to the world trivializing our pain and conditions that sometimes I think we see through that lens too. Does that make sense? Relationships are hard work and fluid things, even for normals, just look at the national divorce rate.

Hang in there through this. Have you asked your spouse to tell you how she feels this illness effects her? When I finally asked J, well, I was shocked to find how he struggled in ways that I had no idea. It opened up whole new avenues of communication for us. Sometimes just sharing a different perspective can make all the difference.

Hope something in there helps. I feel like I was going somewhere with that.......i just can't remember where now.......brain spasm! LOL! Let me put on my best southern twang.........jes giv me a holler ifya reckon ya need! Hugs

Tonna

Very well said Tonna! And good for you for going to counseling. I guess since i choose to have God as my free counselor, I learned the same thing about communitcaion. I feel extremely fortunate to have my hubby, and I started telling him how much I appreciate him. That alone has opened so many doors of communication, it's crazy. We talk more now that we have in the 17 years we've been married. It's absolutely amazing!!!

I loved your point of view!! Great writing!
jae

@jaeanne.......so true! For my hubby especially his connection with God is vital. If he even goes a few nights without his bible study time....we all can tell. We have different views on spirituality, but I support him and my daughter fully in their relationship with God.....it works. As does my own relationship with God, be it a little different.

@kris & Jaeanne....have you seen the movie with Kirk Cameron called Fireproof ? It's great....and the book that goes with it is so worth doing. Now there is a second movie(can't remember name) and book(Crazy Love) that we are studying together. I highly recommend.

Tonna

Jaeann and solace I am really touched by what you shared. I think we tend to forget that we are still responsible for our actions. And that treating people poorly is just not acceptable. When we stop using our pain as an excuse we can get back to the business of living.

Kris....just wanted to add that I have seen enough of you to know that you are vastly loving and unbelievably courageous! And I am lucky that you are my friend.

We all have moments like this. I know that you have had an incredible painful, scarey, and difficult time over the last few weeks. It is understandable that you might get a little snippy.

Try some breathing exercises or meditation when you start to feel that way, and maybe you can head it off. You cannot control others, but you can control how you react. Let yourself open up for new insights. And write! You are gifted there. Try writing a letter to your wife or family, and its not important whether you give it to them or not. It is really for you.

Hugs!

Tonna

I do believe either my post was taken the wrong way, or quite possibly my wife may well be the only spouse out there that asks if something is wrong when something actually isn't. I have long past the point where I lash out at others when I'm in pain, I believe that she sees an expression of pain on my face and thinks I'm upset, this is why she is constantly asking me what's the matter. Now I will agree that I am no saint and every once in a while I snap at my wife and children because I'm in pain, but I apologise almost instantly after I do it, and even with that said those moments are few and far between. This question I believe was meant as more of a lighthearted joke about people misinterpreting our feelings. Sorry if it was taken in the wrong context.

Oh yeah one more thing , Tonna I have seen the movie fireproof, and I agree that it was indeed a great movie. I am however fortunate enough to have found the perfect yin for my yang, this being my wife of 13 years whom I have known for most of our lives, there is a certain peacefulness between the two of us and I am lucky enough to be able to say there have been in all our years together very few arguments, and those were all caused by stress from lack of money. See when it comes to my illness god chose the perfect woman to be by my side, when I first dated my wife she was very sick and not only was she told that she could never have children, but she suffered in constant pain and was told her life would be much shorter than most. All of these things aside I proposed to and married her when she was in the worst condition she could possibly have been. Now 13 years and 3 beautiful children and might I add a miraculous cure later she has proven all her doctors wrong. And I guess aside from her not being able to tell if I'm in a mood or not we are perfect together, since I was by her side through her trials she is able to be by my side through mine.

Kris.....that is wonderful!!! I too am blessed with my perfect mate. We do still have to work at it though. She sounds so strong and brave. And I know you are a great Dad with great kids!

Trying to figure out just what you meant.........my brain doesn't work at full capacity anymore....LOL! From time to time J will ask me if I am mad and I am like......no, why? cause that mad look on your face......nope, just in pain......ok................................

Is it like that? Maybe I need someone to explain this to me......if I don't figure this out, I'll ask J to translate for me.....lol.....sorry....sometimes just don't comprehend.

Tonna

hehehe, I like that Kris. For me, I am so tired of hearing my mom say things like---if you would just get up more you would not hurt so bad.

UGGGHHHH! VOMIT! She is otherwise very supportive and, I have shared letter to normals and other informative informations....she is just older and, for her, this is an idea that is just very set in her.

I think I am going to go with your saying, I like it much better!! thanks for the share

@caleb...

I DO understand where you are coming from and it amazes me how often it happens! I get frustrated because I wonder have they forgotten about my condition? Um *hello* its almost like they think I am going to change overnight or something. Yeah boy do I wish!
If I try to explain... I get back the ...... "Ohhh Yeaaaah...THAT" I get so tired of explaining because I hate to hear myself say it ; over and over again - It sounds like I am complaining all the time.

I have been married a long time as well ( 22 yrs this Dec) and we have developed better communication about this over the years, so alot of what I said pertains to other people mostly. We both learned NOT to take anything personally ( this lesson took awhile LOL) and if we need to be quiet and need some space its NOT because of something either of us "did." We give each other the opportunity to "just be." If we hurt - we say so, if we are in a pissy mood, so be it (but we don't lash out or take it out on the other. )
Its easy to pick and nag at someone ( In the past - I probably did it more than he did) to make sure that the other wasn't in a "bad mood" ( even if there was nothing "wrong" so to speak.) In reality... it had NOTHING to do with me but had to do with leaving him alone until he wanted to talk or felt better etc etc... its kind of funny because he will say "ahhh Im sorry you are hurting right now...do you want me to leave you alone?" I will say "yeah" we will laugh a little and then he leaves me alone for awhile. We just learned not to take it personally.

I agree with you-- you said..." I'm tired of me being in pain being misconstrued as me having an attitude."

I am tired of putting on faces for people just so *they* dont think I am being "this way... or... that way"... blah blah blah ... luckily I don't have to do this with my DH.

Take good care!

i get that as well, so i tell my bf like it or leave.
he know about the cp before we got together and he had the chance to leave, so when i say the pain is getting to me, he says lay down and i will cook dinner.
very supportive.
he sits why i say this pain is driving me insane and he sits their and listens to what i say.
which is good.

Hey Kris,
I'm really sorry if I misunderstood what you were trying to say. I feel like a started a bunch of stuff that could have been avoided and I apoligize. To me, tho, and this is just my opinion, it sounds like you need to help her understand you. Ever thought about making a code word that means 'I'm in a mood'. We're old farts and we started making up code names for random things. We have laughted so much in the past few weeks. It takes some of our stress away from feeling like crap. My teenage son used to use code words, he was quite entertaining.

It's easy to take things out of content when communicating with others, whether it's here, or using texts, it happens. I think you handled it very well. I've seen people here get upset for being misunderstood, and they get ugly. You were very polite about it, and that says alot about your character. Please don't take offense to anything I said. I mean nothing but good.
Take care,
j

Awesome post even if it got misunderstood. I wish I had that wonderful loving, understanding partner. I've yet to meet a man strong enough to stick around.

Kris I get it too. What's wrong? You look mad. Did I do something wrong? LOL. Blah, blah, blah. I'm in pain it doesn't change. If I'm upset I'll tell you I am. Been there done that. I've been on both sides of it. She/he cares or they wouldn't ask us what's wrong. Right???

I loved what you wrote about your wife. You two are truly blessed and lucky. Wish I had that myself.

Hugs, Marci