Smurfette- I can assure you, my cousin not only KNOWS she is selfish, she relishes it. She means well but she takes care of herself 1st and no one else next. She has a bad marriage which she's been trying to get out of for years, but won't leave. She lies to get what she wants, she uses people, yet she is my sister more than my cousin. She uses people. It's funny, she is the ONLY person I'd ever allow to treat me that way. Maybe b/c I know her past.

I make it sound too harsh- here is a sample of her latest fare: She plans Xmas Eve but plans a night out at her ex-sis in laws who always gets them drunk. (I don't drink.) That was the 23rd, and I was at my Dad's with hubby and son and brother and family. We're all supposed to be at her house the next day. She uses text to tell me that her car had died. Ok- happens a lot. She CANCELS Xmas Eve, while we've come from MI to be there. She says the fight she and hubby had is leading to divorce. (This happened 2 years ago and they're STILL together!)

This is AFTER we pay for a hotel room so there's room for all of us & we don't crowd them. We drive out of our way after the 23rd celebration to be at a hotel close to her house. She then hears that we got a big suite. Uh Oh. She doesn't WANT to have people over when she is hungover, she doesn't WANT to clean and cook even though it was her idea. She'd had a huge blow out with her hubby (happens EVERY year- the arguments) and she wants an out. SHe says, why don't we just stop by your suite and exchange gifts?

INSTEAD of Christmas Eve, which we've spent together for past 39 years, she blames her hubby and tells us she is giving him his space. In reality, HE showed up at the other celebration and partied. She decides she doesn't want to do something no matter how important and she looks for excuses. And her car broke down, then a fight with hubby, get Mom involved and bam, she is poor ****, look at me, my hubby's an ass, etc.

So even though her 3 girls ADORE me and my son, they got to spend an hour with us in a suite just unwrapping gifts. B/c she didn't want to do it. AND she can throw this back to her hubby, that he ruined her Xmas Eve. But what makes me most mad is that my 2 year old son LOVES her middle girl beyond reason and bawled like a baby when they all left. Then, I have TERRIBLE experience at my husband's family and she can't even CALL me, she just texts.

She goes a WEEK before calling me to see if I am okay, knowing i had the worst Xmas of my life. And let me also say she knows stress makes RSD worse and that my foot was a mess. She has been recipient of several luxury vacations (3 to NYC and more than I can count to Chicago, plus tickets to Oprah, Rosie, The View, Regis, and Broadway shows galore for her and the kids) because of me.

Her kids were my kids before I had one. She is NOT a bad person- it's how she is. She has a big heart and got me a VERY thoughtful Xmas gift. Nothing expensive, but thoughtful beyond belief and showed how tight we once were. Shen even inscribed it to me (a book.) It would've been the best gift I got if I hadn't opened it in a hotel room rushing to get out by 4pm. Basically, if she hadn't been so selfish to cancel Xmas Eve.

She IS selfish. And it's usually others who experience this. She doesn't like being inconvenienced. Her hubby has done so by quitting a good job and trying to work for himself. She COULD leave him and start a happy life. I listen to her problems from dawn till dusk but she didn't even find a way to get to my son's funeral in 2003. She didn't call me Christmas Day, even knowing I was going through Hell.

She has gone from being a great person to being a selfish person, is losing friends, has lost many family members b/c no one can listen to her repetitive problems if she won't change them! Really, I'd be the 1st to attack if someone hurt her, but she IS selfish. Not BAD, just selfish, and I promise you on my son's life, she KNOWS it. She has admitted as much.

But she is all I've got as far as sister-cousins go and we're closer than anyone. I know her good news before anyone else. I'm Godmother to 2 of the 3 kids. She is my son's Godmother. There's more good than bad to her, but I used her as an example b/c she ruined a lot of Xmas Eve's this year, and ruined my trust in her.

And she never acknowledges my foot. Wait, once. When I took her to NYC with my favorite niece, her eldest. I'd seen Statue of Liberty a million times and had told her I wouldn't be seeing it again so soon. I told her my foot would not take it. Only after I met her at the park after the statue, did she admit that no, I wouldn't be able to do it.

Okay, this is long. But people are complex. While I can't much stick up for my hubby- I can't say a lot of BAD about him. But these were fantasies- what did you WANT them to say. This was the tip of the iceburg with my cousin and made worse b/c of the Xmas Eve incident. She knows I'm angry, though I love her girls so much I can't just cut off all contact.

I stayed 3 weeks after her last baby was born, BTW, at her request b/c idiot hubby didn't pay the car months in a row and was repossessed. Baby was jaundiced and a bit preemie. Needed a car. If I stayed I could help with kids and take baby with her to doc's office. She was going through post-partum. I did so happily, turning down a great free-lance job in the meantime.

I STILL think she has a touch of bi-polar disorder. She gets manic and spends money, and goes into lows where she threatens divorce. But she has cried wolf too long and no one believes her anymore. I could write a case study on her! I WISH she would even out her moods but she is scared of meds. I love her, but yes, she is selfish and knows it. (Maybe that would explain it instead of my exhausted convoluted writing above, LOL!)

Anyway, I have tons of other instances, but also have lots and lots of stories of nice things she has done. She's becoming a different person and I don't recognize her much, and on top of that she deliberately ruined Xmas Eve, BLAMING her hubby when it was all her. She knows I see through her. And my REAL hopes for what she would say, would go a LONG way.

I'm not explaining anyone else, just that there IS a reason I chose her and it IS supposed to be fun, AND she does definitely know she is being selfish. She just doesn't admit it. But her lies say a LOT.

Hope this makes sense.

Wow. Can we get back to this game now? I thought it was a great idea.

I would love to hear:
Don't worry, I'll love you no matter what & I'll always be here to be whatever you need me to be.

from family and some from friends long gone

after all these years, 2 kids, sexual assault, crooked spine, bad car accident, a hundred little bullet pellets spread in the lung maybe she really is in pain

we wish to have given instead of just taking and dumping

HUSBAND: of course i will ask my "small business" employer for healthcare options for our company. it makes sense that since most of the employees have families with children that enough of them would enroll to make it reasonable for my boss. after all, all we'd have to really do is skip some of those fancy meals at flemmings, pf chang's, eddie v's and salt lick to find in in the budget. those dinners just keep me out longer anyway, when i really should be home with you, helping. we just raised 1/2 a mil last month in donations after all. quality of life should be one of his top priorities now that his business is flourishing (in great part- thanks to you..).

i'm sorry that i was such an asshat when you brought it up that i told you i'd be fired if i asked (eye roll) and then told you that if you wanted insurance so fucking bad to go out and get my "own damn job." that was way out of line. you were writhing on the couch with a pain flair from the stress of my tone at the time. i really do understand that you cannot work anymore in your field and that you have no other training and that you only have 4 good hours a day now. i'm so ashamed of myself and my behavior.

oh, and when i was talking about asking cheryl tiegs out on a date in the 80's through a mutual acquaintance and i said, "well, at least i go rejected by the best." i was totally not saying that all of the other women i've been with and married were less than the best. i just had a moment of my teenage penis talking and i'm sorry, i'm a moron. can i please rub your feet? i promise not to try to make it sexual because i know what i said was pretty low down and i know you're not feeling good.

MOTHER: i know i'm a walking contradiction. i know i wont give you advice when you ask for it and that i push suggestions down your throat to the point of calling you hour by hour to make sure you've done the thing i suggested (even though it usually turns out useless because my standing in this town has nothing to do with your medical doctors or the ssdi process. i now realize nepotism has nothing to do with the ssdi system and i'll quit making you call people i know who cannot help you.) also, i've just realized that it's not really my place to criticize your doctor and your lawyer just because you found them on your own since i had no advice to give you for those decisions when you asked me. i realize you are far better versed in law and medicine than i am and that you spend a great deal of your free time reading. i know that in your 30's that you are capable of making important decisions like this because i've watched you do it for a while now with good results.
furthermore, i'm sorry that i've been an angry person with an alcohol problem for your entire life. my issues are with your father and not you. i'm sorry that when i'm having a bad day i call you after i get so intoxicated that i can't stand and yell at you. i know i have a drinking problem and even though i'm in my 70's i'm going to be an adult now and take care of it instead of buying into the idea that i'm too old to change.


ahhhh... that was good therapy. of course i'm not expecting anyone to read my mind, i'm way too old to be that dim. but, it sure feels great to think about those perfect comments coming out of my loved one's mouths. some things never change and an exercise like this can be a healthy way to humorously realize that.

great post,
jen

I agree with you Thaliajen, a bit of humor always can make it at least a bit easier, how do you think I defuse PMS/Period days with my girl? jk jk

But, at times all I want to hear is: 'I have no idea what to say or what to do, I am here if you need me' - This is the reply I like when people see me at my worst with nausea or pain and then they start telling you how you are wrong and they know the dr or the person that knows the person that does the juice or the holistic that is going to cure me. Seriously, its not like I haven't been chasing this for 16 years and trying to figure it out. Granted last 6 have been the worst.

Mom: I'm sorry I got mad at you for not saying "Good Morning" back to me. How could you possibly think it is a good morning when you get up feeling like you were beat with a baseball bat from your head to your toes? I can't imagine how that must feel when you try to move. I can't even focus on anything when something like just my finger hurts.

Ex Boyfriend: I must have been out of mind to call you a fat, lazy pignbecause you couldn't walk. When I pulled a muscle in my shoulder I was out of work. How could I scream at you like I did when your friggin spine was collapsing.

Me: "To all who did not and do not care enough to even listen to me explain what is happening to me - GO TO HELL!" and see how you like it, because this is hell!

Yes, this does feel great .It's Like a catharsis!

P.S. I am very sorry for all of you being in pain and Jen, I amso sorry for everything you have been through. I too have had a tough life and I do believe it makes you tougher - except this CP!!