I'm out of town working and my RSD kept me from an afternoon in the sun as I'm feeling the humidity in my foot and leg. I knew that a spell in the sun would keep me from doing my best in my writing, plus I'm STILL suffering from a sinus infection that has now withstood 2 different antibiotics. It was mid-afternoon and I decided to let Cancun go on w/o me, and I'd do the responsible thing and rest & take my meds.

I had been caught up in the info about Michael Jackson's doctor's trial on the planes and I watched the tv shows explaining and dissecting Conrad Murray's trial. I was literally transfixed by the amount of coverage Direct TV's channels had and I spent both flights hearing all the info and the arguments. I heard the sad tape of Michael, VERY obviously drugged, and watched as the doctor cried when it was mentioned that he and MJ were friends.

I watched as much as I could find here, but CNN was out and there's no Headline news at this hotel, so most of the coverage I've gleaned from today is from BBC! But it made me wonder, what do you guys think of this situation?

I see a very charismatic, lonely man with lots of money using that fame and money to get what he thought he needed, and that was Diprovan, a medication used in surgery! I know the pain of insomnia, have since the age of 8! I didn't have PAIN at age 8, I just had insomnia. And it went on for years, and continues to this day. Does it happen every night? No. But it does disrupt my life and DH & son's life. It's a terrible disorder and I wish it didn't exist, especially when it is worse b/c of the RSD. But...I could NOT see having an IV (I'm trying to take my needle phobia out of this question b/c obviously MJ didn't have that) and a doctor IN MY HOME giving me a drug that is not used for insomnia but for surgery. Even if I HAD the fame and money, I would want to TRUST my doctor! MJ knew that this doc was giving him medication never used for insomnia. A nurse friend of MJ's had warned him against it. MJ knew drugs well, according to her, and was seeking Diprovan for years.

I tried to see it through the doc's eyes and it seems as if he was TRYING to get MJ off the Diprovan and onto lesser sedatives. He wasn't an anesthesia doc, and he was totally taken by MJ's fame. Watching, you can see the guy and know that he was wrong and he knows it. Hindsight is 20/20, especially after a superstar dies under your care. MJ allowed this man into his home where his children lived, with his many medications. They say MJ was on multiple meds, including opiates. This doc probably had no idea what was all in MJ's system at any given time. Drug addicts are sneaky and they lie, and the doc HAD to know that MJ was an addict. Hell, it was well covered that he'd been in rehab for pain meds.

The odd thing is, while I in NO way support Dr. Murray's actions, nor MJ's, I can see both sides. Murray was caught up in the fame and money, that much is clear. MJ had trouble sleeping, whether it was insomnia or not. He had been introduced to diprovan during his MANY surgeries and knew it gave him a good rest. I'm guessing that by this time, MJ had gone through all the sedatives & tranquilizers that exist, but wanted the Diprovan b/c it gave him a deep sleep. He then used his money, friendship, and charisma to bind Murray to him.

I try to imagine what it would be like to have a doctor at my beck and call and I can't! I'd be terrified that he would do just as this doctor did and go against his better instincts. And in the end, whether you think this is a crime or bad judgement, this is IMO what happened. Murray went against his training b/c MJ talked him into it. They had used this drug before, and Murray was supposedly taking him off (or trying to) the drug.

I wonder, what all was in MJ's system when that Diprovan was administered? Had MJ already ingested some of the drug? Other drugs? Probably. I doubt he was "clean". And what was in the doc's mind when he left MJ alone? The drug is used with a doctor in attendance. Murray had requested resuscitation equipment for MJ's upcoming tour.

I also wonder if MJ did this only when he was touring or rehearsing? I mean, he was supposedly a good father, so what does a kid do when he/she has a bad dream but can't wake Daddy up b/c he's got an IV and is OUT. Did this happen b/c of the tour? Not if we believe the nurse friend who said MJ asked her for Diprovan years before.

And while there are a million ways to look at it, and I heartily disapprove of what both the doctor and MJ did (yes, I think MJ carries some of the blame, too) it still comes down to the fact that no court can bring MJ back. The man was an adult, even if he acted like a child, and he knew what drugs can do. To my knowledge he had no disease like RSD or Fibro or other CP causes.

When I think about how CAREFUL I am with my meds- always writing down what I took and at what time, never taking more than prescribed even if I'm in terrible pain, and never taking my meds w/o checking the Med Log, as I call it, to make sure I NEVER accidentally take 1 pill too many, I have to fault him for taking meds when he didn't need them. There are appropriate sedatives, etc., for insomnia. What he did was so far beyond the reality of life that I have to give him some of the blame. And yes, a part of me is angry. Angry not ONLY that a talented man, a father, a son, a brother, is gone, but that he was taking meds when he didn't NEED them!

We all know what a pain in the butt it is to maintain a life while on pain meds. I can list a dozen things today alone that made me roll my eyes and mutter under my breath. Traveling with pain meds into another country is difficult, but then I've had RSD for almost 15 years so I'm used to it. So why did MJ ADD all this trouble to his life? He had 3 gorgeous kids, a nice family, fame, money...is it never enough? And THAT is where I come to the conclusion that he was an addict and that is why I can't understand. If he had some disease that caused him to medically NEED those meds, it would be different. But no matter what they say, I will always think that MJ contributed to his death.

Does that leave Murray off the hook? Hell no! Docs like this are dangerous. His access to medications was like putting a kid in a candy store. I can tell he was conflicted about what he did, but when did that start? I can't believe he thought it was OKAY to do what he did! But that doesn't take away what he did. He administered the Diprovan, and left his patient alone! He tried to perform CPR on the bed! No spine board under MJ. He lied to paramedics about what he'd given MJ. To protect MJ? I don't think so. He was protecting himself.

This trial is heating up with the Jacksons showing up daily, and fans going nuts outside. They want to blame it all on the doctor. I suppose we could not look at ALL the evidence and say, yep, it was Dr.M- he gave the medication so he killed MJ. I think this man's life is already ruined, and the 3 years he faces is a joke if that is supposed to be a punishment for manslaughter or murder. But looking at him, I think he is already punished. Not that he doesn't need more punishment. I just believe that he knows what he did. He has to live with this forever. Rightly so.

I've written a dissertation on this and I've barely seen much of the evidence. But it really fascinates me. And then I wonder. If this diprovan were the CURE to what ails you, how far would you or I go to get it? B/c in MJ's eyes, I would BET that he thought Diprovan was exactly what he NEEDED to live. The difference is, he could live without it! He had no CP, nor need for THAT drug. And what would you or I do if we had a way to "help" a man we admired, whose money we wanted, and who said he was our friend.

It's a helluva web! And there's also this: while we scramble to find docs to help us with CP that takes over our LIVES, he had but to snap his fingers and he had an IV, drugs and a doctor to WATCH him sleep! Whatever happened, we won't know the whole truth. But is sure did get fascinating all of a sudden!

Forgive my ridiculously long post. But I REALLY wonder, what do you all think of this case? Was MJ in any way to blame for his own death? And why do rich people, rich drug ADDICTS, have such access when we have to stand on our heads to get simple treatment? And in the end, even though I feel for MJ and his family, I DO think his addiction brought about his death. And while the doc has every reason to be VERY sorry and SHOULD be punished, do you wonder if he figured out that if he didn't do it, someone else would? Perhaps someone who wouldn't treat his "friend" as well as he would?

Interesting when you look at it this way. At this point, I don't even know what to hope for! What do YOU think?