Chronic Pain Support Group
Physicians and professionalsdefine pain as chronic if it lasts longer than three to six months and is persistent. It's distinct from acute pain that is a direct result of injury or trauma. This support group is dedicated to those suffering from chronic pain. Discuss treatments that have worked for you, find advice for your specific experience, and find support. You're not...
Ok so here is what happened. Hubby and I got into it this morning over the phone. I broke down in the walmart parking lot. I was unable to move and was just crying so hard I couldnt breathe. No he hasnt left me yet but he is threatening too. I keep telling myself I am young and I do not need this. Every time someone upsets me right now I break out in hives and my dr told me that was stress. My hubby after I told him that he has changed said so have you. I told him he has turned cold and mean. You know I say "I love you" and ask for hugs about a million times a day just because sometimes I need them because of my pain. He told me he misses the old me I go "ya I miss her too" honestly guys I do not even know who that person is anymore. I dont feel that I can do the things I once did before any of this. Before I worked two jobs and went to school full time. Walked or rode my bike everywhere. I did not habe the swelling in my face or tummy and achne and stretch marks that I do now ir even sometimes have to use the darned scooter in walmart.. I wish I could do all the things I once did but I just feel like a failure. My hubby has a type A personality and is very ocd "monkish" when it comes to cleaning. I just can no longer keep up. He never notices what I did but goes straight to what I didnt do. I just feel like crap and I am never never going to be good enough even if my nerves heal and we are happy I know he is going to leave me soon. The scary thing he and his family keep asking me when I am going to get the lawyer to sue the dr who did this to me. haha I dont even think I want to go through that now just because I know if he leaves me he gets money. Im not stupid. I just guys I want to scream my life im just in a deep black hole trying to get out and he isnt heping me. He couldnt stick around to talk to my dr yesterday at my appt and wouldnt go to marriage counseling with me told me it was bs. I have no one to really talk to around me except you guys but I feel like I just need a physical hug Im so lost and I need help I can not keep doing this to myself and Im thinking the best thing for hubby and I may be a trial separation I may travel the 1000 miles to see my family like my hubby told me the last time I was gone I am a burden to him and the week was the best ever while I was gone because he did not have to clean up or listen to me whine. I did for him go and fill out job apps today I doubt I cna get a job with the amount of pain im in daily heck I have a hard time just substituing for 4 hours. I wish I had my old Hubby back the one who loved me and said through thick or thin hell or high water. I feel like he doesnt deserve me and I know I am better than this but I get such anxiety about him leaving me and even when he goes to work I freak out I hate being alone with this pain and maybe that is the problem that I rely on him too much to just be here. Even on his days off this week he was never home except to sleep. He never does anything with me, and has even said he doesnt want to be around me. He doesnt say I love you back when i say it he goes yep or sighs. He even wont even guve me a real hug. I just want the old us back we were so in love at one point now like I said a big deep hole. I go to counseling, I take my antidepresants I journal and have started drawing and painting, going to the gym and knitting at the shop so I can talk to people we have weekly meetings I go too but he cannot see what I do and would rather say get a normal job and make some real friends. MOst of mine have left me because of him and my illness. I have basically no one sometimes. and Im tired of it. Who wants to come back to an empty house when your in pain? and you know he told me to get rid of the only thing that makes me happy or seems to care about me. Duncan my dog just because he is getting old and also has health probs. He told me to get rid of him because my dog was making the backyard his bathroom wtf of course he is. Im sorry I just think Im falling out of love and I blame myself for getting the IUD that caused all this the staph infection, the surgeries this year, the birth control, fentanyl scare that hey im back on. but he was never there. He still after a year of this pain has not seen my MRI or even gone to a dr visit. Dont ask me why I stay with him but I am just so afraid to be alone. Can any of you guys relate to that with your partners? Is i wrong of me to tell him that I wish to spend some time with him, tell him I need a hug or would even on my bad days not really tell him but say that I would like to curl up on the couch with him and watch a funny movie. Im scared guys I have never been more afraid he was my first everything and he is treating me like the pain is my fault and ya sure I dont clean up after myself but I try to pick things up later. Ive been crying all night ever since walmart and to top it off I still had to go in the store for my meds. I dont know how or what to do. Im sorry I just dont Im scared to be alone or to lose him but I feel like I am doing everything I can for him. Does anyone here have a job or can give me a suggestion as to what is a good position for a person with chronic pain or neuropathy? I want to do better for my husband but I also want him to remember his vows he has broken so many of them. SOrry for rambeling i had to get it out there is more but Im just to upset and I wish terribly that this was all a bad dream. I have been dreaming a lot lately that I am back in the hospital because of this illness and he is not there. maybe my mind is trying to tell me something huh like get out of this marriage now and move back home while your still young. Someone out there may love me disabilities and all. And you know I thought he did we even lived together for a year in the same house before we were married. It wasnt until after we were married that he made me feel this way. like my fmaily said the last time I went home the fire in me is gone and like my mother in law says meg we just all want that fun free spirited bubbly girl that we know is in there she had so many goals and nothing stopped her from getting them and they say I am letting my illness win when it comes to thinking of working or school. just please help advice someone to listen or a hug god I wish there was a support group near where I live but I do not know of any but I need it I know I do. thank you for listening sorry there is no good news yet but trust me I will post it when I have some right now a big black hole is where I live
I have read your post and what others have written back to you. But only you know how hard you have tried and he has tried.
Have you really talked to him about it, take him to an appt. with you.
Trust me my husband (we have been togather off and on for 8 yrs. but now we have been married almost 2 yrs.) and I don't think he knew how bad off I was til my doc. wrote in a note about me having severe fibromyalgia(AND THAT WAS JUST RECENTLY), now I let him know that when he stresses me it makes it worse.
He is finally working with me a little on it now.
It takes time hun, they really don't understand how much pain we are in. We don't and can't understand alot of what is happening to us (and I will be 40 in Jan.)
Try to relax more and find a time that's not strenuous and try to talk to him, let him read some of our diaries or posts, let him know it is for real(the pain) and that we are hurting and your not alone.
I am not at all taking sides with him but I do know how long it took my H to figure out why I was so different and exhausted, and that he added to it all.
I pray that you find the right path to take.
I am here as well as all these otheres to help you through this.
HUGS!!
Kudos to Lisa for taking the time to write such a thoughtful and absolutely perfect response. Megan, you need to surround yourself with people who will run to walmart for you when you are having a bad day so you never would have been in that position in the first place. It is frustrating to deal with illness in the family, but we do it because we love each other. My husband takes care of me now, and one day someone will take care of him. It's the way family works. You don't need to part of a marraige that makes you feel the way you do now. You deserve better. Everybody deserves better. You are in our thoughts and prayers.
The only thing I would have to add would be the little ol' part about marriage and...the "for better or for worse" part... I just have to ask this question over and over and sometimes in my OWN situation/marriage- I think MOST people do at some point because problems come up - its called life...
But why in the *#@! do people get married in the FIRST place...?! I mean why do they even do it then?? You dont have to married...date awhile WHATEVER>> But when you say you are committing to one person...isnt that saying that you are going to be with that person for good times and bad...sickness and in HEALTH riiiight? Thats the whole point! To find someone you can COUNT on...a companion... a friend... a lover for life...and IF you dont want that with a person or THAT person then DONT get married! Simple as that!! (Im talking in general terms here of course, NOT just picking on your spouse)
Anyway again... I dont get the point-Maybe people dont read the fine print? LOL or people just want to have a kick ass party...??
Sometimes I look at things like this, if you are in this much pain with him how much could it be with out him?
You're a very strong woman and I know your daily battles that you experience. You must put yourself first physically, emotionally, and mentally. You can't be good for anybody else if you can't be good for you and to you.
Take the time you need to better yourself and be happy, We have enough stress in our lives so much so that we don't need added especially from someone that is suppose to love you for better or for worse. What if the tables turned? Would you treat him bad? Probably not.
Just keep taking deep breaths and know that your strength inside your heart and mind are much greater than his.
I will keep you in my prayers and thoughts. Hugs.
Take your control of your life back.
sincerely
Willow54
Megan let us know how you are...
as awful as some of this might sound to some, the truth is that no one *truly* knows a relationship but the two people who are in it. that being said, there is obviously still a love between you and your husband, and a will - on your part, at least, and on his too, it seems - to keep your marriage together, and there is NOTHING wrong with that.
i'm not condoning hurtful behavior or anything of the sort, please don't get me wrong. you don't deserve any of that! i think all of us here know how it goes, though: you get sick, and that triggers a million things, some physical, some emotional, some big, some small, but all important in their own way. you're in pain and can't help keep up with the house as much; at first he doesn't mind, eventually it gets to be a lot. you feel awful about it, it's one more thing you can't do, one more way you're letting him down, and assume that he's furious about it, but maybe he's just a little overwhelmed, and this happens to be the straw that breaks the camel's back one night ... but really, there are so many other issues that are as completely intricate as this one that it is INEVITABLE that wires are going to cross and stress is going to rise and then, in some cases, someone you knew like the back of your hand turns into a total stranger right in front of your face. and a nasty one, at that.
i think you are SO SMART to have your s-i-l and m-i-l help you talk to him, and really help him see where you're coming from. i know with my hubby, sometimes he has to sit down and explain to me where he's coming from, and how/why he's so stressed out and acting the way he is ... it's helpful, because if he doesn't tell me, i obviously just assume he's being a grade a jacka$$ for no apparent reason while i'm in pain, and doesn't he know that, and this that and the other thing ... you get my point, i think.
on another note, i DO think that going home might help your situation in that he will MISS you, and remember how lonely it is without you! no one to come home to, eat dinner with, talk about work to, etc. i'd go NUTS w/out my hubby for two weeks, even if we'd been fighting like hell! just an observation i wanted to point out.
it's horrible to feel like a burden, to feel down on yourself, and to have the life you knew slip away - but you are NOT a burden, and health issues or not, he is LUCKY to have you. i think it's awesome that you are going to try and work this out - just remember that nomatter how you might feel, you should always get the love and respect you deserve, and be treated like the wonderful person you are, and nothing short of that!
best of luck, let us know!
misa
It just makes me so mad. Sometimes I just don't understand what men are thinking. I guess people don't really think about sickness and health when they say the vows. Please know that we are all here for you.