Ok so here is what happened. Hubby and I got into it this morning over the phone. I broke down in the walmart parking lot. I was unable to move and was just crying so hard I couldnt breathe. No he hasnt left me yet but he is threatening too. I keep telling myself I am young and I do not need this. Every time someone upsets me right now I break out in hives and my dr told me that was stress. My hubby after I told him that he has changed said so have you. I told him he has turned cold and mean. You know I say "I love you" and ask for hugs about a million times a day just because sometimes I need them because of my pain. He told me he misses the old me I go "ya I miss her too" honestly guys I do not even know who that person is anymore. I dont feel that I can do the things I once did before any of this. Before I worked two jobs and went to school full time. Walked or rode my bike everywhere. I did not habe the swelling in my face or tummy and achne and stretch marks that I do now ir even sometimes have to use the darned scooter in walmart.. I wish I could do all the things I once did but I just feel like a failure. My hubby has a type A personality and is very ocd "monkish" when it comes to cleaning. I just can no longer keep up. He never notices what I did but goes straight to what I didnt do. I just feel like crap and I am never never going to be good enough even if my nerves heal and we are happy I know he is going to leave me soon. The scary thing he and his family keep asking me when I am going to get the lawyer to sue the dr who did this to me. haha I dont even think I want to go through that now just because I know if he leaves me he gets money. Im not stupid. I just guys I want to scream my life im just in a deep black hole trying to get out and he isnt heping me. He couldnt stick around to talk to my dr yesterday at my appt and wouldnt go to marriage counseling with me told me it was bs. I have no one to really talk to around me except you guys but I feel like I just need a physical hug Im so lost and I need help I can not keep doing this to myself and Im thinking the best thing for hubby and I may be a trial separation I may travel the 1000 miles to see my family like my hubby told me the last time I was gone I am a burden to him and the week was the best ever while I was gone because he did not have to clean up or listen to me whine. I did for him go and fill out job apps today I doubt I cna get a job with the amount of pain im in daily heck I have a hard time just substituing for 4 hours. I wish I had my old Hubby back the one who loved me and said through thick or thin hell or high water. I feel like he doesnt deserve me and I know I am better than this but I get such anxiety about him leaving me and even when he goes to work I freak out I hate being alone with this pain and maybe that is the problem that I rely on him too much to just be here. Even on his days off this week he was never home except to sleep. He never does anything with me, and has even said he doesnt want to be around me. He doesnt say I love you back when i say it he goes yep or sighs. He even wont even guve me a real hug. I just want the old us back we were so in love at one point now like I said a big deep hole. I go to counseling, I take my antidepresants I journal and have started drawing and painting, going to the gym and knitting at the shop so I can talk to people we have weekly meetings I go too but he cannot see what I do and would rather say get a normal job and make some real friends. MOst of mine have left me because of him and my illness. I have basically no one sometimes. and Im tired of it. Who wants to come back to an empty house when your in pain? and you know he told me to get rid of the only thing that makes me happy or seems to care about me. Duncan my dog just because he is getting old and also has health probs. He told me to get rid of him because my dog was making the backyard his bathroom wtf of course he is. Im sorry I just think Im falling out of love and I blame myself for getting the IUD that caused all this the staph infection, the surgeries this year, the birth control, fentanyl scare that hey im back on. but he was never there. He still after a year of this pain has not seen my MRI or even gone to a dr visit. Dont ask me why I stay with him but I am just so afraid to be alone. Can any of you guys relate to that with your partners? Is i wrong of me to tell him that I wish to spend some time with him, tell him I need a hug or would even on my bad days not really tell him but say that I would like to curl up on the couch with him and watch a funny movie. Im scared guys I have never been more afraid he was my first everything and he is treating me like the pain is my fault and ya sure I dont clean up after myself but I try to pick things up later. Ive been crying all night ever since walmart and to top it off I still had to go in the store for my meds. I dont know how or what to do. Im sorry I just dont Im scared to be alone or to lose him but I feel like I am doing everything I can for him. Does anyone here have a job or can give me a suggestion as to what is a good position for a person with chronic pain or neuropathy? I want to do better for my husband but I also want him to remember his vows he has broken so many of them. SOrry for rambeling i had to get it out there is more but Im just to upset and I wish terribly that this was all a bad dream. I have been dreaming a lot lately that I am back in the hospital because of this illness and he is not there. maybe my mind is trying to tell me something huh like get out of this marriage now and move back home while your still young. Someone out there may love me disabilities and all. And you know I thought he did we even lived together for a year in the same house before we were married. It wasnt until after we were married that he made me feel this way. like my fmaily said the last time I went home the fire in me is gone and like my mother in law says meg we just all want that fun free spirited bubbly girl that we know is in there she had so many goals and nothing stopped her from getting them and they say I am letting my illness win when it comes to thinking of working or school. just please help advice someone to listen or a hug god I wish there was a support group near where I live but I do not know of any but I need it I know I do. thank you for listening sorry there is no good news yet but trust me I will post it when I have some right now a big black hole is where I live