Chronic Pain Support Group

Physicians and professionalsdefine pain as chronic if it lasts longer than three to six months and is persistent. It's distinct from acute pain that is a direct result of injury or trauma. This support group is dedicated to those suffering from chronic pain. Discuss treatments that have worked for you, find advice for your specific experience, and find support. You're not...

2,902 Members
21,876 Posts
0 Online
Brain & Nervous System
/ Chronic Pain Support Group

Third person out - personal problem

Enigma609
Enigma609
This has nothing to do with physical pain, but all about emotional pain.

I just don't know what to do to fix this within myself, or if it is possible in this lifetime. I feel like the days are numbered as my mother is 80 now. I've been trying but being the odd man out, there seems to be less incentive for the other two to fix this. They don't really see it as a big deal.

My mother and sister are cut from the same cloth. Both are narcasistic and critical and I've been through the ringer by them, but yet, I still see them with this great close relationship and I still wish I could be a part of it. It's always hardest on mother's day.

I have tried distancing myself from them, but that hasn't been easy either as we live in the same neighbourhood and my father is a common denominator. It's like this constant state of unrest in my life. I am very envious of their relationship. I've tried talking to them and they say there is no problem, but then I discover they criticze me behind my back, and to sometimes to my face. I know people don't change, but I have this internal longing to have this female connection that is denied to me.

I'm coming on my 50th year and for God's Sake, why can't I just accept this situation?!~ Family get togethers are so painful because I am always an afterthought and lucky if I'm invited at all.

Does anyone have any insight for me? Some experience with an impossible situation that is not going to change? I want to find peace with myself about it.

Angela
serenityha
serenityha
angela, your situation is so similar to mine. i've been far away for years, so i've written it off to that, but i've been in the same town for over 6 months. i've mentioned it to them both and they deny that they leave me out, but they leave town together without even telling me.
the only way i've found to deal with the situation is to lower my hopes and create more realistic expectations. it hurts, but i have enough pain without that. i still seem to set myself up to get dropped like a hot potato. it takes a lot of practice.
i hope someone has better news or ideas.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I am so sorry for your pain, Angela. My mother faced this exact same situation with her mother. I watched it destroy her.

I see from the posts that you regularly make, that you are a very wise, insightful woman. You know that you need to choose to be happy in spite of a situation you would like to be other than it is. It is your choice to make.

I am so sorry for your pain. I wish I could change this for you. You are so deserving of your mother's total love. Of course, you know that.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Angela; I am so sorry to hear of this emotional pain you are dealing with. I can not say that I understand, because I do not suffer through the same issues that you do with your mother. I however, can imagine the pain of feeling like an outsider in your own family. It is never easy to "accept, or walk away" from a situation such as this. Never feel that you should "just accept" this situation. Everybody is different, and everyboday handles grief in their own way. And what you are dealing with is grief. Be gentle with yourself, allow yourself to feel your feelings. Your feelings are valid and real, and you are not the one that should feel bad because you feel.

I agree with Serenity that sometimes we have to create more realistic expectations, so the disappointment wont be so bad, but that is difficult when dealing with your family.

I would just suggest that you accept how YOU feel and know that you have done all you can to let them know how you feel. I wish that I could give you more, because, while we all deal with physical pain, and that hurts, emotional pain of this nature can be so much more painful...and there aint no pill for that.

I will keep you in my prayers that you find some calmness, and peace during this difficult time.

Karen
deleted_user
deleted_user
Hey there. I have been in the exact same situation as you are now. Exactly. I'm the 'black sheep' of the family because I dont crave money like a vampire craves blood and they do. You cant pick your family at birth but you can later. I dont think just because someone is related to you means they are good people that you have to be around. If its not healthy for you, especially in your condition, then the best advice I can give you is to make your friends your family and stay away. I realize it sounds harsh, but you've got to put yourself first or you will be in a worse place physically. IN the long run, IMO its the best thing you can do for yourself. I know I didint and still dont need their negativity in my life. IF they ever change, which at this point is doubtful, then maybe we can talk but until that time comes I have to be my first priority, and so do you Angela. and that does NOT make you a bad person, it makes you a survivor.
RaggedyAndee
RaggedyAndee
Hi Enigma, I'm running on empty and this is such a trigger for my PTSD, but I wanted to say I understand and care. My only advice is make peace with your own choices - distance, confrontation, turning the other cheek, etc. - bc oddly these can haunt years later even. So be the person you want to be, knowing you can't make their choices for them. The other thing is that we mourn a "mother image" and Sunday's "Hallmark (card) holiday" (and others) get hard for those of us who didn't/don't live in a Norman Rockwell-type family. My therapist used a series called "warming the Stone Child" (by Dr. Clarissa Pinkola-Estes) to help me. And I used free-writing a lot to offload some of the emotion. (don't go back and read it or try to edit as you go, just write it and let that kinda cleanse the rawness)... Idk if I could have handled it without my therapist but my siuation was a bit different. This is tough and the added stress hormones dont help physical pain any either :0 I hope this helps a little. I'm so drained. Pls forgive me if anything was unclear or didnt seem right. Sometimes the best we can do is all there is... Peace, raggedy
RJRelaxing
RJRelaxing
I am so sorry for the position you are in. I know how hard it can be I have been in similar. Having a strong support group through your friends is very important. You won't get it from your family it sounds like. (Sad but not unusual) . My sister and mom were best friends. I was the party pooper.

One suggestion for yourself. Keep the communication open. Even though you are not getting what you want out of the relationship, when they are gone you may feel miserable that you had closed the door. I stopped answering the phone when my one brother and sister called because they had beome so hateful. They both died suddenly, I had only wanted a short break, crazy how things can happen.

Maybe schedule individual time with each of them occassionally so you can create some semi-positive memories. Would your mother enjoy going out for a mother and daughter tea? Something different. Don't let the converations come around to your life, talk about hers.

Remeber if it doesn't work out, you will know that you tried and you can not change their personalities. And families can be the most hurtful. You have to build a wall around your emotions and protect yourself. Use your friends to support you. I know we are here for you. You will find peace by knowing that you tried, you kept the doors open, and you protected your heart. The pain from the injustice can be the hardest to lock up. Stay strong and hold your head high. Hugs- RJ
fibrolizzy
fibrolizzy
Angela, you've gotten some wonderful, insightful, and very compassionate replies. I just wanted you to know my heart goes out to you. I kind of felt the same in my family, b/c I was the only girl with 3 brothers. You'd think as the only girl you'd get special treatment, but no mine was a family of very strong authoritative men. The men rule! It was like I didn't exist, and my opinion didn't matter.

I liked the suggestion of trying to spend some time with each one separately to create your own relationship/memories. This would have to be a very painful and difficult thing to have to go through. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Blessings...ELizabeth
deleted_user
deleted_user
Im in the same boat with patrick, i couldnt handle my dad not acknowledging me n my kids so i decided to no longer set myself up for the pain. I figured i would rather have my dad be a distant memory than an ocassional reminder that me n my kids r not good enough , i havent spoken to my dad in three years which believe it or not i have not felt bad about it n nice to not get hurt, however i did decide to touch base with him n told him how i felt. He called me back n was drunk, going into denial sweeping stuff under the rug, making comments about my oldest son how he felt there was something wrong with him wen he was young, what a loser, i felt a bit of closure, in im glad hes not in our lives.
RJRelaxing
RJRelaxing
After re-reading my post I want to apologize to anyone that may have thought I meant it is wrong to close the door.

I had to separate myself 100% from a brother who threatened harm to me and my children.

We all have to decide what is best for our situation and our families. Sometimes there are no options. -RJ
Enigma609
Enigma609
Thanks for posting and giving me your personal insights everyone. I was able to see different paths that I could take and to reaffirm some of what I have done. You all gave me something to think about that might unstick me.

What really struck home with me is a sense of mourning inside of me, mixed in with a Hallmark image which is not real. But, when I come to grips with the reality, but, then they go off on a mother/daughter event without me, it stings all over again.

I have tried one on one, but then that is when my jealousy usually emerges and I dont' like that in myself.

I guess, in the end, who says life is fair.

Thanks for your compassion and taking the time. I'm still going to look and see if some new answer pops up.

Gentle hugs, buddies.

Angela
deleted_user
deleted_user
I fully understand as my mother favors my younger brother over me and told me years ago that he is her favorite son. At first i was hurt and never wanted to see her again or talk to her and like you i was envious of her and his relationship. I realized i wasn't ever going to change her or her favoritism of my younger brother and her affection for him so i prayed to have my envy and resentments removed and devoted my time to loving those in my life who reciprocate it. You can still love your mom from afar, it doesn't pay to mourn something that wasn't met to be, and it doesn't do any good to mope or sulk about it. Love those that you can, have fun with those who love having fun with you, and ask to forgive your mom and sister for the pain they caused you and you'll be okay. You can only have a close relationship with those who want one with you and if your mom and sister don't want one with you love those who do.
Seekn1
Seekn1
Just want to say I'm listening Angela, n, sorry your going through these family challenges......... so hope you can find some peace and resolution soon....

Huge hugs.....