Dear Tabby, I can truly relate to the anger you feel, the longing for ``pay back``. My abuser, my father chose to die at home, he had cancer, at the time I lived close bye so my mom would call me to come over to carry him back to bed, etc... It was perhaps the hardest battle I had to face, the fight between my mind and heart. I so much wanted to drop him, to beat him, to smother him as he use to do to me, I wanted vengeance! I fought with myself to kind instead, to be loving, I couldn't be like him! Yet even to this day at times I`m still get angry with myself for not giving him at least a little taste of the pain that he seared into my soul, but deep down inside I know I treated him in the way that was true to my heart. Basically what I`m trying to say, is that I have to let go of my anger before I can truly be free, knowing that just under that anger is a whole heap of pain. We and many others carry this ``cross`` yet this struggle is lessened by knowing we are not alone!
As for telling your doctor, I think that`s a wonderful idea. I finally broke down and told mine about a year ago, and now she`s behind me 100%, and extremely supportive. Before that she thought I was just using pain in order to get pills. Now she understands. Sharing you tears, Blaine