i'm actually going thru a divorce for these same reasons (i actually haven't gotten served yet and it's been 4 months since he signed the papers). i know for my x it was difficult for him to accept the fact that there was no way to help me and when the pain was extremely bad he had no choice but to watch me suffer. i think it's hard for a significant other to empathesize if they've never experienced chronic pain. i feel it controls my life and i never know how i will feel from day to day. I know it helped when i had the x come with me to the dr's so he knew to extent of my issues and that i did need my pain meds and would need them for the rest of my life. don't let him get you all worked up about you taking pain meds, there is obviously a reason, it's not like your buying them off the streets to get high. Keep me updated.

Take care-
KEL

I had the exact same problem with my bf. He's against taking meds and believed I was faking/exaggertating my pain or just an addict even though he's seen my MRI. The only thing that worked for me is something he actually did on his own. One night, he Googled my condition. He started reading OUT LOUD. I think this was an important part because we know how SOME men are! He read doctors' articles as well as other people's stories. He ended up reading for 7 hours and it forever changed the way he treated me. He began asking if there was anything he could do for me or if I needed anything. WOW!!! The best parts for me were his change in attitude and to see the understanding paint his face as he read other people saying the same things I say. Also, reading doctors' articles about how my condition is painful lent me more credibility. It was the best validation I've experienced in my life! Although I still got a very seldom remark about meds (not at all near as much as before and never again a remark about faking/exaggerating), I didn't have to go out of my way not to take meds in front of him and I could express being in pain without him giving me 'the look.' He began to say things relating to how strong I am to put up with this stuff with a smile on my face :-D (*Tear*)I also felt a lot less guilty about my situation. It's the last thing we need is to have others making us feel even more guilty about our situations and coping the best way we can...

I hope it works out for you!!! Let me know if I can help, I'm always willing!!!

Much love and understanding,
Lisa

My DH knows that I am in pain and that there are some things that I
need to do to keep functioning. He does not comment any more,
thankfully. But by the same token I do not make a big thing
about taking meds for the pain, but don't hide it either.
Guess I am lucky. He has his own health problems (GERD)
so if he does start I can give it right back at him about his meds too. He has also had a bad back from time to time so knows a little about pain that nothing will touch.
The DH's of some of my friends will even get their meds for them, but others are so antagonistic about it that they do have to keep the meds out of their sight or they will get this big lecture about it all. Pain is usually silent and unseen. If you have a burn or cut or break they can see that is OK but most of us look normal, some are just downright pretty. They do not see the pain because we wear the mask, the smile and the good attitude.

the thing is, he knows what pain is like, he has a bad back!
I think cause i only have the diag of endo that he doesnt think its real? I had major abd. surgery in June and it didnt help.
Hes hates drugs, but sure took it when he was laid up!

I am very fortunate in the hubby regard and the pain meds, he understands about pain, i just wish he would help pick up some of the slack that i can not do, that for me is the worst part he acts the same whether i was in pain or not. he doesnt care if i take pain pills at all, he said he doesnt ever want to see me in pain again, there was a couple of times i was just crying and he could not handle that

I dont know if i would call it denial but i definetly would call it not understanding.
He doesnt realize that i can not predict what the day is going to hold for me. Or that i cant make plans. Sure i would love to go for drives, those are out. I would love to clean the house more than i do, be intimate with him, be in a great mood all the time.
But because of the pain i am unable to do those things as often as we would both like to.
My life has been ripped out of my hands. I suffer in silence as best as i can.
It has damaged our relationship but there is nothing i can do about it. I try to keep my moods to myself. I wish there WAS someway he could see what i go thru, that he could understand that the pain is devistating to me.

im so sorry. that is one of the reasons this group is so important to me. not because anyone i have made any real friends, but because i can go to this world where the nightmare of being misunderstood by 90% of the people that i know or come into contact with are going through the same things i am. before this group i had no idea that anyone else had gotten a divorce over pain. i was married 17 years. then i had a surgery gone wrong. even though the doctors diagnosed my pain as being permanent and chronic he couldn't understand why i couldn't be the women i used to be. i managed two business that we owned for 10 years. he would get so frustrated when i had to go to the er that he began to accuse me of making it up. thankfully i had friends that insisted on taking me. i finally let him go. i felt like i was holding him back and no matter how much i tried to explain he would just never understand because he had never had pain. my family treated me the same way, it hurt me so bad that i ended up taking my kids and moving to another state. there are good stories on here, and my only sujestion would be is to try and find some that are simular to yours and e-mail them to him. don't force the knowledge down his throat but hopefully he will come around. i sujested a group on this site for partners of people with chronic pain and i think that it might be here. try getting him to join himself. remind him is something ever happened to him that you would take care of him and not judge. now i have a boyfriend of a year and a half and he still makes smart ass comments. he tries to claim to understand and support. i just accept the fact as long as he is trying that is all i can hope for. because unless you have suffered from chronic pain you cannot understand. occasionally when he says something rude i will tell him "for one day i would like to see you try and take all the meds that i do" that usually shuts him up.

ive asked him to go to the pain doc with me, he wont, i sent him that letter to normals, explaining how life is for us.
I guess i will just suffer in silence, like one of you stated. Is there a group for partners of chronic pain?
thanks for everyone sharing, i appreciate it.

Hugs this sounds just like me and I understand how stressful and depressing this must be for a lot of us who are in chronic pain. My hubby tells me I exaggerate my pain and my family thinks i need to get off my meds because they call me an addict no matter what info i bring to them. then they are frustrated and angry with me when i say im not feeling well. Im actually visiting family now and my feet swelled up and i could not walk today at walmart so i got myself one of there scooters. my sis and cousin laughed at me the whole time. I wish our family members could understand what we all go through day in and day out. My hubby was ordered to come to my next appt from my dr. My hubby wants me to get my nerves cut but im so scared too because im afraid i will lose my ability to have children or walk. i would rather take meds for the rest of my life then that right now im too young i think. but no i agree with you im having a really hard time right now with my family. If you could ask him to come to your appts with you. I still have not given my hubby the letter for normals but i feel like it is the best letter i found for some of my family members. I will try to bump it for you. I hope that you feel a bit better soon. I know this is rough and please do not get yourself worked up i know it makes the pain so much worse when we are upset. Keep us updated on how your doing i will be thinkin of ya

many many hugs

I know how you feel. I have been married for 35 years and we have been through so much together. But sometimes he just can't understand and it is the little comments that hurt. I think sometimes its just frustration and frankly with my husband a male thing because he so wants to protect me and take care of me and in this arena he can't. Take care and let me know if I can help?
love and support binet

my hubby knows the pain im in and all of the depression and panic attacks and he is being such an a** iwe havent said 2 words to each other all day...im so tired of trying to do everything around the house...It takes me 2 hours to do the dishes and of course no help...he has said things like go take somemore meds...i am so frustrated with him especially today...He was yelling this morning about he couldnt but toilet paper and butter so of course first thing i do is cry my eyes out...Im so tired of being treated bad...its bene over 3 yrs since my back surgery and he needs to understand the depresion goes along with the pain and if i could do something about it i would..well take care big hugs to you at least i have ds to help me get through all of it...

http://dailystrength.org/c/Chronic_Pain/forum/1739790-spouses-and-significant-others

I invite you and anyone else here who has not read my essay on Spouse and Significant Others. Above is the link to a copy posted here 12/07

I hope it helps to give you some understanding.

god speed.

YES...YES...YES... THEY HAVE A HARD TIME WITH IT AND WE CANNOT EXPECT THEM TO UNDERSTAND IT AS THEYVE NEVER EXPERIENCED PAIN EVERY MIN OF EVERY DAY FOR YEARS ON END. IT IS JUST SOMETHING THAT CANNOT BE REALLY UNDERSTOOD. IT TAKES THEIR LOVERS AWAY THEIR BEST FRIENDS AND ALL ACTIVITIES WEVE BECOME USED TO DOING. IT CHANGES OUR WHOLE WORLD AS IT DOES THEIRS. THERE IS A GOOD WEB SITE TO GO TO THAT ADDRESSES EVERYONES PLACE IN THE PAIN SYNDROM...
PAINRELIEFNETWORK.ORG. TAKE YOUR SINIFICANT OTHERS TO THE SITE WITH U AND WATCH THE DOCUMENTARY TITLED "THE CHILLING EFFECT" JUST TO BREAK THE ICE ON THE SUBJECT... THEN THERE ARE DOCTORS AND OTHERS SPOUSES AND MORE TO GET SOME REAL COMPLETE INFO. THE DOCUMENTARY IS AN HOUR LONG SO PLAN A DATE ... THEY SHOULD COME OUT OF DENIAL AND MAYBE U CAN BEGIN A DIALOUGUE THEN WITH THEM. IT HAS HELPED JUST A LITTLE WITH MINE...
SINCERELY
IN LOVE AND LIGHT
TERRIEANN

I'm in the middle of a divorce after almost 28 years of marriage and it's because of the chronic pain. He said I've changed. Well, duh. He even went with me to all of my appointments so he knew what the Dr.s were saying. He just got tired of being "tied down and wanted to get on with the rest of his life." He even got to the point of abusing me physcially and drinking more daily. Funny thing is, I'm happier now and in a little less pain and he's miserable. I told him "Karma's a b****." I signed up for better or worse and in sickness and in health. Obviously he didn't. I'm just sorry it took so long to find that out.