Chronic Pain Support Group
Physicians and professionalsdefine pain as chronic if it lasts longer than three to six months and is persistent. It's distinct from acute pain that is a direct result of injury or trauma. This support group is dedicated to those suffering from chronic pain. Discuss treatments that have worked for you, find advice for your specific experience, and find support. You're not...
Today would've been my firstborn son's 9th birthday. I am getting ready for a big trip with my 2 year old but can't let the day go by without properly remembering my 1st son. I know that people here are my friends, and DS CP is a lot like a family to me. So please, send a prayer up today for my little one, who departed the world almost just as he entered it.
Not so oddly is my memory of that day. It all was so related to my pain and my RSD. What I recall about the labor was being terrified that someone would bump or touch my foot, and I was t even more scared of the stirrups. I remember being so numb that somehow, after getting me pretty dumb on an IV med, they managed to get an epidural in me! If I hadn't JUST been told that my baby's heartbeat had stopped, that he would be stillborn, I would've fought that epidural with everything in me. But I had no fight left. I allowed them to stick a NEEDLE in my back! I think I must've been pretty much out of it to allow that. Needles are one of my biggest fears.
I had been scheduled for a C-Section but some stupid therapist somewhere had left an impression on my OB that stillborn babies should be delivered the old-fashioned way. We should still experience childbirth, as if that would change the result? I wanted that C-Section with me knocked OUT. Once I learned that I wouldn't be getting that, they started me on Pitocin to make the contractions stronger. That's when I got the epidural.
My husband and I went through the birth/death of our son alone. We were living in Texas where we knew no one. My mom was dying of cancer in WI and people just didn't know what to think. I remember more than once someone referred to it as a miscarriage. Now, I've had miscarriages and believe me, a fully formed child with blonde ringlets and a perfect smile is NOT a miscarriage. You don't have to give birth to a miscarriage or arrange a funeral. I'm NOT saying miscarriages are fun or not a hard thing to go through- I've had 3. But giving birth to a baby is just different. It's STILL giving birth! And miscarriages are what they call it in the 1st trimester. I was in my 3rd trimester- I had a BABY.
My angel is buried in Texas, where we lived at the time. I used to visit his grave when I went to Texas to see my doctor. He died a year and a half ago and I haven't been back since. But he's not really there anymore, so I pray for him just about anywhere. I know Jesus called the children unto Him, and He wouldn't let my son be hurt or harmed. The only way I KNOW is to think of Heaven as a wonderful place where children are especially adored.
He was brought to us after his birth (a VERY long labor with the epidural wearing off hours before the birth) and he was dressed in a blue gown with cows jumping over moons, and a cap that covered his blonde head. I still have that outfit, along with his birth and death papers, and the seashell he was baptized with. We had our 2nd son, Jaden, baptized with that seashell, too.
My DH and I held him, loved him, and passed him back and forth. He was warm and pink. He had my DH's nose and face, and well, not much of mine. But I loved him so much, and played with his curly hair, brushing my fingers over his brow, and finally, kissing him goodbye. We would see him again at the funeral home, but that was after an autopsy and he was in a small white coffin. I touched his tiny fingers and marveled at how long his nails were.
Right after birth I developed a kidney stone. Adding insult to injury, I thought. But do you know what I remember MOST about that? Being NUMB. I could cry, but I couldn't accept. I recall feeling like I was in a dream and I'd wake up soon and he's still be moving around in my womb. But no, instead I had a kidney stone!
They tried IV demerol for the stone. It didn't touch the pain of the stone, but nothing really does. It also didn't help my RSD. I remember begging them to let me take my oral meds. Eventually, they did.
I spent a week in that room, watching all existing seasons of "The Sopranos" on DVD and eating cherry tootsie pops. The nurses worried about me b/c no one but my DH came to visit. We didn't KNOW anyone. But a pastor came and she prayed with us and baptized Jacob. She helped us through his death and conducted his funeral. And a year later, when I was miscarrying one baby and its twin was lodged in my fallopian tube, we just happened to see her walking through the check-in area. She cancelled her appointment and came to pray with us, checking in on me then, too.
I try not to let this day be about the nurse who caused my son's death, but about the human being he was, and would be. He was a good baby- he slept at night and moved around during the day. He would react to my voice and to music. I could see his foot or hand sticking up against my tummy. (Okay, at 1st that freaked me out but I came to love it.)
If Jacob were alive today, I imagine he would be a smart young man. Bookish, but with a penchant for soccer, like his Dad. He would have blue eyes and blonde hair, maybe darker now than at birth, but still blonde, maybe with some of my red. He would be interested in all kinds of things from sports to theater. He would be patient but brash, imaginative and loving. He would adore his cousins. He would be a computer genius. He would not judge people by their race, religion, sex, or sexual orientation. He would be a good boy, and later, a good man.
I don't know why God allowed Jacob to be taken from us. I never will know. Maybe he was too good for this world. Maybe God wanted my Mother to have her 1st grandchild with her in Heaven. (She followed him 6 months later.) Her last words were to her cousin, recorded in a journal we kept in her room for visitors. She was calling out his name over and over, and smiling. She could see ahead of her and the last few hours I was with her alone, she kept trying to show me something. It irritated me that she couldn't just rest, and I FELT it. I felt that thing, that feeling you get when you know. And I truly, TRULY believe, that she saw my son. She is with her Grandson. Jacob is with many of those who love him.
9 years is a long time. But I recall almost every second of that process. From the beginning when I thought I was in labor but wasn't sure and the "nurse" said I was an overreacting 1st time mom. She said I had a UTI and explained away the symptoms. But I KNEW something was wrong! She discharged me and sent me home saying that I'd be fine but it's what she did NOT do that haunts me.
She didn't call my OB and it said on my chart that I was high risk & to call my OB at HER instruction if I ever came to labor and Delivery. She didn't do an ultrasound to check on the baby. She didn't LISTEN to me when I told her I was having contractions. She refused to let me see a doctor. I could go on forever. Maybe I should set a day in the calender for remembering how she killed our child. Because now I feel dirty, as if I've somehow sullied my baby's memory by bringing "her" into it.
Please, pray for me today. Pray that my emotional pain will not enhance the physical pain. Pray that my son's soul is at peace, and that I'll see him again. Pray that my family remembers him today, too. April Fool's Day is usually pretty easy to remember. For a long time I blamed God. I felt as if HE were saying "Oh, April Fools!" And I was a fool. For not seeking a 2nd opinion, despite the fact that it was 1am on a Sunday. For not calling my OB myself. For believing that nurse!
It's like opening Pandora's Box. But today is Jacob's birthday. He'd be 9 today. He'd be having a party. And no matter what, he would be happy. My son, the baby who was never supposed to be conceived. I'd been told my chances were slim to none, and we were together for 5 years before I got pregnant with him. All by chance. I was spending more time in WI with my mother than Texas with my hubby. Having PCOD, I didn't expect to ovulate. I'd been told so many times it couldn't happen, that when it DID, I went out and bought 3 different pregnancy tests right away!
Oh, how thrilled I was. I jumped up & down in mom's living room (she wasn't there) and talked to God, thanking Him. I have been happy many times in my life but that is the most happy I've EVER been. Not that my 2nd son didn't make me happy! OMG- he is another angel God sent and this one I can keep! It was just that with Jacob, I was surprised, stunned, shocked. But in a good way! I just hugged myself and cried tears of joy for this miracle. I looked at the ceiling and prayed for a healthy child. I prayed to the ceiling b/c I wanted to look up to express my gratitude. I did that throughout my pregnancy. I was SOOO happy!
Now I am heading back to the hometown where I was when I 1st found out. I'll be there in a few days. I'll be where I was when I was happiest. It will hurt a bit. But my son will be with me and keep me on the run. He's 2 years old and not easy to take care of on my own, but we're going to be fine.
Happy- that is what I'll remember today. How happy the tests made me, how happy HE made me. My little squirmer. My shock. My smile. My mom's face as I told her. She was in her hospital bed- it was a day after my birthday, 2 days after hers. I handed her a baby bottle with a PG test in it. (By then I had done another 2! 5 tests in all b/c I didn't believe it.) Mom was so happy she had tears of joy running down her face. I did, too.
Jacob Charles. Jacob after my favorite Bible Hero, and the J because our names all began with J in my immediate family. Charles was my Grandpa's middle name. He was the finest man I ever knew. I wanted my son to be like him. Instead he ended up WITH him, in Heaven.
Thanks for letting me "talk". I feel like this is the best place for me to share. It makes some family and friends uncomfortable. But I know THIS family understands pain- physical and emotional.
Rest in peace my little one- you're safe in God's arms. I will see you one day, and I KNOW I will hold you again. I have never felt that bond break- never. And I never will. God gave you to me to carry and care for, and then took you back. I'll never regret those months of carrying you, of planning for you and dreaming of you.
God Bless you, my angel- I'm sending kisses and hugs and balloons. And prayers. I'll see you tonight in my dreams, little prince. And I'll NEVER, not EVER forget you!
Not so oddly is my memory of that day. It all was so related to my pain and my RSD. What I recall about the labor was being terrified that someone would bump or touch my foot, and I was t even more scared of the stirrups. I remember being so numb that somehow, after getting me pretty dumb on an IV med, they managed to get an epidural in me! If I hadn't JUST been told that my baby's heartbeat had stopped, that he would be stillborn, I would've fought that epidural with everything in me. But I had no fight left. I allowed them to stick a NEEDLE in my back! I think I must've been pretty much out of it to allow that. Needles are one of my biggest fears.
I had been scheduled for a C-Section but some stupid therapist somewhere had left an impression on my OB that stillborn babies should be delivered the old-fashioned way. We should still experience childbirth, as if that would change the result? I wanted that C-Section with me knocked OUT. Once I learned that I wouldn't be getting that, they started me on Pitocin to make the contractions stronger. That's when I got the epidural.
My husband and I went through the birth/death of our son alone. We were living in Texas where we knew no one. My mom was dying of cancer in WI and people just didn't know what to think. I remember more than once someone referred to it as a miscarriage. Now, I've had miscarriages and believe me, a fully formed child with blonde ringlets and a perfect smile is NOT a miscarriage. You don't have to give birth to a miscarriage or arrange a funeral. I'm NOT saying miscarriages are fun or not a hard thing to go through- I've had 3. But giving birth to a baby is just different. It's STILL giving birth! And miscarriages are what they call it in the 1st trimester. I was in my 3rd trimester- I had a BABY.
My angel is buried in Texas, where we lived at the time. I used to visit his grave when I went to Texas to see my doctor. He died a year and a half ago and I haven't been back since. But he's not really there anymore, so I pray for him just about anywhere. I know Jesus called the children unto Him, and He wouldn't let my son be hurt or harmed. The only way I KNOW is to think of Heaven as a wonderful place where children are especially adored.
He was brought to us after his birth (a VERY long labor with the epidural wearing off hours before the birth) and he was dressed in a blue gown with cows jumping over moons, and a cap that covered his blonde head. I still have that outfit, along with his birth and death papers, and the seashell he was baptized with. We had our 2nd son, Jaden, baptized with that seashell, too.
My DH and I held him, loved him, and passed him back and forth. He was warm and pink. He had my DH's nose and face, and well, not much of mine. But I loved him so much, and played with his curly hair, brushing my fingers over his brow, and finally, kissing him goodbye. We would see him again at the funeral home, but that was after an autopsy and he was in a small white coffin. I touched his tiny fingers and marveled at how long his nails were.
Right after birth I developed a kidney stone. Adding insult to injury, I thought. But do you know what I remember MOST about that? Being NUMB. I could cry, but I couldn't accept. I recall feeling like I was in a dream and I'd wake up soon and he's still be moving around in my womb. But no, instead I had a kidney stone!
They tried IV demerol for the stone. It didn't touch the pain of the stone, but nothing really does. It also didn't help my RSD. I remember begging them to let me take my oral meds. Eventually, they did.
I spent a week in that room, watching all existing seasons of "The Sopranos" on DVD and eating cherry tootsie pops. The nurses worried about me b/c no one but my DH came to visit. We didn't KNOW anyone. But a pastor came and she prayed with us and baptized Jacob. She helped us through his death and conducted his funeral. And a year later, when I was miscarrying one baby and its twin was lodged in my fallopian tube, we just happened to see her walking through the check-in area. She cancelled her appointment and came to pray with us, checking in on me then, too.
I try not to let this day be about the nurse who caused my son's death, but about the human being he was, and would be. He was a good baby- he slept at night and moved around during the day. He would react to my voice and to music. I could see his foot or hand sticking up against my tummy. (Okay, at 1st that freaked me out but I came to love it.)
If Jacob were alive today, I imagine he would be a smart young man. Bookish, but with a penchant for soccer, like his Dad. He would have blue eyes and blonde hair, maybe darker now than at birth, but still blonde, maybe with some of my red. He would be interested in all kinds of things from sports to theater. He would be patient but brash, imaginative and loving. He would adore his cousins. He would be a computer genius. He would not judge people by their race, religion, sex, or sexual orientation. He would be a good boy, and later, a good man.
I don't know why God allowed Jacob to be taken from us. I never will know. Maybe he was too good for this world. Maybe God wanted my Mother to have her 1st grandchild with her in Heaven. (She followed him 6 months later.) Her last words were to her cousin, recorded in a journal we kept in her room for visitors. She was calling out his name over and over, and smiling. She could see ahead of her and the last few hours I was with her alone, she kept trying to show me something. It irritated me that she couldn't just rest, and I FELT it. I felt that thing, that feeling you get when you know. And I truly, TRULY believe, that she saw my son. She is with her Grandson. Jacob is with many of those who love him.
9 years is a long time. But I recall almost every second of that process. From the beginning when I thought I was in labor but wasn't sure and the "nurse" said I was an overreacting 1st time mom. She said I had a UTI and explained away the symptoms. But I KNEW something was wrong! She discharged me and sent me home saying that I'd be fine but it's what she did NOT do that haunts me.
She didn't call my OB and it said on my chart that I was high risk & to call my OB at HER instruction if I ever came to labor and Delivery. She didn't do an ultrasound to check on the baby. She didn't LISTEN to me when I told her I was having contractions. She refused to let me see a doctor. I could go on forever. Maybe I should set a day in the calender for remembering how she killed our child. Because now I feel dirty, as if I've somehow sullied my baby's memory by bringing "her" into it.
Please, pray for me today. Pray that my emotional pain will not enhance the physical pain. Pray that my son's soul is at peace, and that I'll see him again. Pray that my family remembers him today, too. April Fool's Day is usually pretty easy to remember. For a long time I blamed God. I felt as if HE were saying "Oh, April Fools!" And I was a fool. For not seeking a 2nd opinion, despite the fact that it was 1am on a Sunday. For not calling my OB myself. For believing that nurse!
It's like opening Pandora's Box. But today is Jacob's birthday. He'd be 9 today. He'd be having a party. And no matter what, he would be happy. My son, the baby who was never supposed to be conceived. I'd been told my chances were slim to none, and we were together for 5 years before I got pregnant with him. All by chance. I was spending more time in WI with my mother than Texas with my hubby. Having PCOD, I didn't expect to ovulate. I'd been told so many times it couldn't happen, that when it DID, I went out and bought 3 different pregnancy tests right away!
Oh, how thrilled I was. I jumped up & down in mom's living room (she wasn't there) and talked to God, thanking Him. I have been happy many times in my life but that is the most happy I've EVER been. Not that my 2nd son didn't make me happy! OMG- he is another angel God sent and this one I can keep! It was just that with Jacob, I was surprised, stunned, shocked. But in a good way! I just hugged myself and cried tears of joy for this miracle. I looked at the ceiling and prayed for a healthy child. I prayed to the ceiling b/c I wanted to look up to express my gratitude. I did that throughout my pregnancy. I was SOOO happy!
Now I am heading back to the hometown where I was when I 1st found out. I'll be there in a few days. I'll be where I was when I was happiest. It will hurt a bit. But my son will be with me and keep me on the run. He's 2 years old and not easy to take care of on my own, but we're going to be fine.
Happy- that is what I'll remember today. How happy the tests made me, how happy HE made me. My little squirmer. My shock. My smile. My mom's face as I told her. She was in her hospital bed- it was a day after my birthday, 2 days after hers. I handed her a baby bottle with a PG test in it. (By then I had done another 2! 5 tests in all b/c I didn't believe it.) Mom was so happy she had tears of joy running down her face. I did, too.
Jacob Charles. Jacob after my favorite Bible Hero, and the J because our names all began with J in my immediate family. Charles was my Grandpa's middle name. He was the finest man I ever knew. I wanted my son to be like him. Instead he ended up WITH him, in Heaven.
Thanks for letting me "talk". I feel like this is the best place for me to share. It makes some family and friends uncomfortable. But I know THIS family understands pain- physical and emotional.
Rest in peace my little one- you're safe in God's arms. I will see you one day, and I KNOW I will hold you again. I have never felt that bond break- never. And I never will. God gave you to me to carry and care for, and then took you back. I'll never regret those months of carrying you, of planning for you and dreaming of you.
God Bless you, my angel- I'm sending kisses and hugs and balloons. And prayers. I'll see you tonight in my dreams, little prince. And I'll NEVER, not EVER forget you!
what a heartbreaking story you had to endure. prayers for your comfort and healing today. bless you and your family.
much love, serenity
My heart goes out to you in so many ways...losing a child is a heartache I would never wish on anyone.
You certainly did not miscarry!!!!! How awful you were treated so cruely:(:(
I feel sure your Jacob is with our Lord as is my Johnny.....they are happy and safe...they will never endure pain or heartache...that is about all that sustains me even decades after his death. Of course you will never forget him....he was a child and will always live in your heart.
Today is a very special day and I'm ever so glad you will allow yourself to be happy with the memories.
I send you peace and comfort...may our Lord bless you and your family.....
Gentle hugs,
Jenna
Thank you so much for sharing your pain, your trauma and, most importantly, your Joy with us.
I know that Jacob is safe, he is with your family. I know that he is watching over his parents and sibling.
My prayers to you and your family, my prayers for Jacob too.
You are so strong and amazing. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers today. When I remember my nephew, I will always send prayers up for your beautiful angel Jacob. They truly are safe in God's hands.
Thank you for sharing such a beautiful but heartbreaking story with us.
Autumn
Melinda
Hugs,
Theresa
There is nothing worse in this world than having a stillborn baby. And having to deliver him! How cruel is that?
I had 5 miscarriages and miss all my babies as if they were alive and then died. I'm sure our children will be waiting for us up in heaven. God is taking care of them for now.
What a nightmare situation you lived through. I'm so sorry you had to do all that.
Your son is in my prayers today. I wish him a happy birthday!
Sandy
I'm so sorry for the loss of your son' my friend...
I will keep him an you and your husband in my
Thoughts and prayers today.....
Love and hugs...jc
I can understand you pain and I am sorry for what you have had to go though .. My baby boy was my last child and he lived for 7 days so I do understand what you are going through , My boy Nicholas would be going on 17 this November and I think about him all the time. You are NOT alone in your Grief. And you are very much loved here.
One thing we do on our son's birthday is to make a cake to celebrate his birthday Just as we do for our other kids. If you ever want to talk I am here for you..
Prayers going out ..
Love and HUGS,
Cathy
I have sat here for the past 1 1/2 reading just Jacob's Story. Both my boys, Louis Carl (7) & William CHARLES (5) asked why Mommy was crying again & if the pain was that bad. I told them that right now the pain was all in my heart as it went out to one of my friends. They asked me to read this to them & as I did, I had one on each side of me & they each cried as well & at the end they both said, 'Mommy tell your friend that they are up with Great Nana & Uncle Rick & to just look for the brightest star in the sky when your friend misses him, that's what you told us to do, remember?'
If you ever want to talk I am here & as for today my friend, my heart is with you...
I just prayed for you and your family, and will continue to do so. There's no way I can understand the pain you are going through, but I know God does and He will continue to give you peace and strength. I am very new here on this site and don't think I have formally "met" you, although after reading your post, I know you are a truly wonderful and amazing person and mother....I want to just reach out and give you a hug. Yes, this group is definitely the place to "talk" and pour out your heart.
Jen, please be safe on your road trip and come back here when you can to keep us updated.
Love and hugs,
Lori
With prayers,
Cindy
god bless our babies, and let them be in heaven with the ones that loved them too. (my mother is with him as well) i am here for you and i hope we can share our memories of our children together...hope you find some peace today, and everyday
~stinke~
Anne