Yes. I was not as young as you but at 43 I was in the best shape of my life. I was happy and things seemed to be looking up for me. I ended up with a chronic injury that stole my abilities to work with my hands. Doesn't sound to dramatic but it is a life changer when you can't exert any force on the tendons without jabbing electric pain and then throbbing like a tooth ache. It can get so intense that using a remote control for the TV can be impossible. On top of this you can add on 5 herniated discs. two in the neck and 3 in the lower back I have a very full plate of chronic pain and I could continue.
Your situation as well as mine has robbed you of almost everything that you knew. It took me three years to almost accept my new role in life as being a stay at home spouse. Okay I admit I am lucky that at this point in my life my kids are grown and my wife is accepting of my challenges.
I can't compare the devasting loses that you have had. All I'm trying to say is that some how some way you have to start to learn to live in a new role. This doesn't sound like earth shattering advise ,but you will cry, you will fight, you will hate, you will question why would I want to carry on. In the end you will find a reason because although things are different you still are a person with love to give and you will find peace. It will just be different than what you thought you would have. I hope this some how helps a bit. Use this forum and unload to the members to help free your mind.

@LisaLoo2
so sorry to hear you are feeling so down.
You have had to deal with a lot of loss.

I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing not to get caught up in the world of 'VPs of Fortune 500 corporations or CEOs ' from what I can see there is a lot of dishonesty, corruption and stress in that life.
I don't know exactly I've overcome my losses yet but I have done a lot of research into the health situation in the US and I think that has become a positive movement for me- so far in a small way. The US needs more people who will stand up and say 'this ain't right' in the way sick people are exploited.

I refuse to be beaten down by these challenges.
It is hard to be alone and facing so much I know- thinking of you.

Yes. You are not alone! I am 43 and became very sick in march. Now I can barely walk. I have inflammatory arthritis. I have lots of days when I cry and curse. In between I try to meditate, and find something I am grateful for. Which sounds simplistic but it makes a difference for me. Find something that works for you.

Your old friends might look good on paper but you don't know what goes on behind closed doors. Compare you to you. Not them.

You are a warrior. You have survived even though you don't feel that way right now.

The support here on DS is very good too.

Hugs. Sometimes it just sucks, feel it, cry, and do something.

NY

Thank you to you all who have responded. It's very saddening to hear of the pain you have on a constant basis.

I guess what I've been trying to find is a reason to live besides having a family or a fulfilling career. Those seem to be the two things that people usually live for and I have neither of them. I am very passionate about animals and preventing cruelty to all animals, but I feel Im too emotional over it and being exposed to it depresses me terribly. I do small things to advocate but certainly have not had a major impact. It sounds like ChickenTikka has found some purpose in advocating for the disabled and sick in the US.

What are other things people can live for besides career and family/love?

I was never able to accomplish my dream. I was going to college to become a Therapist but was cut short by 3 classes because I had to go on disability and could not finish. I don't compare myself to others anymore. I am happy for those who have been able to follow their dreams and become what they have chosen in life. However, I have just as much respect and admiration for those who cannot do the same due to illness, whatever kind it may be. You are no less important or appreciated as any of those people you speak about. I never had a clue what my reason for living was until numerous people told me my purpose in life was to help others and to show love wherever and whenever I could. It's not ALL about a diploma or a degree. Hugs GB

It is going to sound stupid but I have grown to appreciate the very simple things around me. Look at a flower and really look at how perfect nature is. Stare at the sky and take in the beauty of the clouds.
I have always loved music and just before I ruined my hands I bought a beautiful bass guitar. It has sat there since 2007 because I can't play it. I started playing a little bit of basketball at the Y. Recently my wrist flexors said no way to that. I have an interest in photography but i have limited funds to play with. With restrictions such as physical, mental, money and whatever, keep wiggling into a direction that you might enjoy even if it is limited in some ways.I guess it is simple things that we must learn to appreciate again. I hope this makes a bit of sense. Keep fighting.

I feel so bad for some of you guys on here. I still have the use of my arms and hands. I don't know what I would do without my arms and arms. I have a really damaged right leg. It burns, aches, throbs enough to keep me up at night without pain medicine. I have a hard time going up and down the stairs, and if I do it too many times in a day, I will be limping. I also feel sick a lot due to high blood sugar and complications due to having thick blood.

I am working right now, but I have to force myself to endure the pain of sitting in a computer chair for 7 hours a day. I would have a hard time doing this without my pain medication. I would be too angry and grumpy to deal with people on the phone in uncontrolled pain. All I am doing now is living my life one day at a time. I used to have dreams of becoming something more, going back to college and finishing up my degree, I just don't have many hopes and dreams for the future.

The only reason why I'm not living on the streets right now is because my family has been giving me a place to stay. I'm very grateful to them for that. Any how, it does get better over time. We just have to learn how to live within the new parameters our pain/medical issues have put us in. I hope you feel better soon! Hugs!

'I guess what I've been trying to find is a reason to live besides having a family or a fulfilling career. Those seem to be the two things that people usually live for and I have neither of them.'

@LisaLoo2
I wanted nothing more than being a wife and mother, married my childhood sweetheart when we were barely grown up and he turned into a very abusive man; my son I have loved and cherished and he seems to be turning out very like his father. Most people won't be honest about what goes on 'behind closed doors' as NYGirl said. Family can be a profound disappointment and source of stress as much as anything else.

Jeremy you are lucky your family is supportive. Most every day someone posts here about something unhelpful or discouraging their family member did!
Your comment about living on the streets is something else I feel strongly about...there are far too many people who still lose their homes as a result of illness.

It's part of the American Dream to have a home and some security and the lack of proper healthcare access ruins that for many people.

I find getting angry and learning more about how all this corruption comes about has given me some sense of purpose- though I also am aware that there are too many people getting rich right now for there to be much political will about reform. And also just enough people unaffected as yet to be bothered about it...and indeed I never paid it all much attention until I got sick myself!

uncommon is right about small things making a difference...someone's random kindness...a pretty tree or flower or bird...a conversation with someone interesting. I like to learn about stuff, it can be anything, cooking, travel, other people's life experiences, and television is useful for that.

I still have my 'life is not worth living days' but I think I am starting to cope better because today was a terrible day and though I've cried a lot I'm okay.

So today is really bad day so far. Not only am I in constant pain and am sick with sides effects all the time I found out that there will be no financial help from anywhere because of my finances, lack of work credits, and being tied to a parent's finances. I am now unable to support me financially.

Wow just kick me while I'm down. Because I chose teaching in the public schools and since my parent and I planned ahead for retirement & death, I am so screwed royally.

At least I'm not dying...I quit my job thinking I could eventually get SSI. now I don't even have a job to go back to if I go into remission soon.

WTH? I don't understand how people on judge Judy can get iPhones, Ipods, stay home & party and I can barely function yet still tried to work full time. How does that happen? I'm sorry I'm hijacking your post... I just want to say it's impossible to be positive all the time. I just have to get through this some how.
This just bites. I'm 43 & I need my parent to support me financially. I have a damn masters' degree. My job has always determined who I am, that's where I get my self worth too. Who am I now?

And I have spoken to lawyers & the teacher retirement fund people so I already know my options.

This is not my life; this is a bad dream.

Thanks for listening to me VENT.

NY

I'm very sorry for your losses -life stinks at times,it is like an war at times that we have to fight thru to find those few enjoyable moments..but life is worth living.
In a way you have ways to begin anew-like being reborn to find new things,new interests

Lisa, I am so sorry for what happened to you. It has to be devastating.
You sound like you are in a very dark place right now and I truly
Hope that this is transient.. Or maybe just a really bad day.
I think most of us, if not all of us, have similar feelings and thoughts at one time or another, but I think one knows that it blows over and you go on again. I wish for you to feel better soon.. Whatever it takes.. We all have our own " recipes" for getting through these bad times. I hate to say it, but sometimes it just takes some Xanax and NyQuil to sleep it off. If it doesn't get better, more help is needed..
The thing is, you survived for a reason. You are not done yet.
Yes, it hurts to live and it sucks to have your dreams crushed, but all
It means is that we have to make a different plan.
I remember when I was in college I really used to hate some subjects and I had to teach myself to LOVE what I was learning to get a get an A.
There is nothing to love about living in pain, but most of the time, it is possible to find something joyful in every day that we get to live.
I grew a pattypan and today I was all excited about that.
I wish you to find your own " pattypan".

Don't feel guilty for being sick. We have no control over what happens to our bodies once we are sick. I know it's hard to live with severe pain and financial challenges. We didn't put ourselves in this position. It is something that happened to us. I feel bad too for living at home and paying low rent. I feel like a useless member of society, but it is what it is. I can only do what my body will allow me to do, I hope you're feeling better today. Hugs!

No no no....it's not right for people who overcome their very real struggles caused by our crappy healthcare/welfare...to say they are useless members of society.

When I think of who is USELESS in our society it's people who take and take and take...Donald Trumps, Steven Hemsleys, most politicians!

Put them I our position and see how well they cope!

Lisa -----> I know you posted this almost a day ago so I really hope that you feel even just a little bit better some way or somehow.

Reading what you wrote makes my heart ache for you and I literally can feel the pain, desperation and sadness that you are describing to us. I particularly feel connected to your story and what you shared about your struggle with chronic pain because it feels to me like we are very similar people with very similar situations and therefore I just really felt compelled to reach out to you to hopefully provide some comfort and support for you by telling you that you are not alone with this (although it totally feels like you are and I know that besides a possibly small reassuring feeling, my story won't make you feel better or take away any of the pain).

I'm going to be 33 in a month and even though my pain didn't start as abruptly as yours did with the car accident -- mine happened over the course of 12 years with injuries and surgeries...then at 23 years old, the pain became something that I could no longer fix, was there constantly, and absolutely consumed everything in me --, I have been in the fight of my life with this f-ing pain for almost 10 years now, and it sure as shit doesn't get any easier for me to cope with it because everything, I mean every single thing, that gave me confidence and a feeling of self worth and any happiness, has been completely stripped because of chronic pain. I was athletic, incredibly social, active, easy going, happy ,etc. with tons of ambition and a great work ethic, but now EVERYHING that made me "me" is gone. It doesn't matter that I want to be fit and active, or that I got my masters degree for a career that I can never again participate in because pain has taken away my ability to work and make a living, and it doesn't matter that I wish that I could hang out with friends and feel happiness like beforebecause anything and everything about me (during life before pain), things that brought me joy and happiness and things that gave me purpose and a reason for living life are all gone now. I hate even saying things like these : "I've lost this part of me" or "I can't do that anymore" because it makes me feel like I sound like a quitter and like I gave up and didn't fight for what made my life "my life".....and it feels like a punch a punch in the stomach at the thought that outsiders, people that don't understand what this pain does to us, will for sure pass judgement by thinking (or even saying) that I can still do everything that I used to and be the person I used to be -- because apparently positive thinking will cure this sh*t and make the pain stop or lessen and I just need to push through and stop feeling this negativity and sadness because it's mind over matter, right???!!! Truly I don't mean to sound disrespectful and I know that not everyone thinks/feels that way...and I also know for a fact that regardless of the depth of compassion, empathy, or understanding a person is capable of...there is absolutely no possible way, unless you aren't actually living in and experiencing everything that goes along with our chronic pain, that a human being can actually get what we feel and go through on a daily basis. And I say this with certainty because I prided myself on being an especially good friend, listener, open minded and compassionate (not to mention bring no stranger to physical pain through sports, injuries, and surgeries) even before my pain, yet there is no way I could have grasped the true depth of the impacts of chronic pain. I think that's one of the many reasons why it's such a hard thing to deal with, because as a regular person living regular life experiences, you can't possibly fathom how something can happen to us that imprisons our mind/body/spirit the way chronic pain does.

Part of my point is that I feel so deeply for you as you referenced things like your friends and loved ones working as successful professionals and living out their dreams and ambitions just as you would have done had chronic pain never become part of (okay, let's face it, ALL of) your life. Not only is it absolutely crushing to sit on the side lines and watch on as others in your life work towards and accomidhing their goals and dreams (not because you aren't happy for them, rather strictly because it's just a constant reminder of what you can't do that you truly wish you could) but it's also tremendously lonely to not have anyone that can even begin to comprehend the angst, loss of your sense of self, and everything else that you're experiencing. It's like the gap just keeps getting wider between "us" and "them" the more they get to live their lives and the less we live ours.

So basically now it just feels like "what the hell do we have to live for? Seriously, what are we living for if we can't do what makes up happy and we're constantly in pain?" and I'm just saying this because in trying to convey to you how much I can relate to what you're going through. It makes me feel even crappier that no matter how much time passes and no matter how hard I try, I cannot seem to turn myself around and cope with the pain more positively or make things physically or emotionally less painful, nor have I been able to see things in a way in which I can learn to find joy in other new things and find fulfillment through all that. I just can't seem to do it, and I'm sorry for those of you reading this that disagree and/or have been able to do a better job making a new normal for yourselves...and I respect and admire those of you that have. So for those of us that can't...it definitely feels like: what do we do? Which is something I'm really putting a lot of thought into even more so these days. And in the meantime I definitely agree with ChickenTikka that learning more and just trying to gain more knowledge regarding your pain, and everything that goes along with it -- not to dwell on things or make you feel worse or more frustrated, but rather for the sheer fact that knowledge is power with this stuff (I know that sounds so dumb but I mean that in the sense that it can really help you make more sense of things and maybe even better understand some things). Plus, continue looking online for more resources, new websites, new doctors and specialists you haven't been to yet, more support groups or other forums you can find some sort of solace or comfort in going to, search for any and every new or cutting edge technology or treatment that you could try to keep some hope alive, and really anything that can distract you with that is funny or entertaining or just completely kindless enough to distract you from what you're feeling and thinking. I will shamefully admit that I am a complete reality and trashy TV addict -- no, I take back the shameful part -- I'm proud to admit it because it is one of the only things that I have that entertain me enough allow my mind to temporarily stray from my hurt and get lost in a dumb plot or storyline instead :) Do what you've gotta do to get by!

Lisa, besides professionally, you mentioned personal things like marriage and having children...that you are concerned for those things to happen or not to happen, and again I just don't want you to lose all hope with those things too. Especially in our position, it's definitely more difficult to meet people and I know it feels like you're in this hole of despair and you wonder who will want to climb on that hole with you and stick by your side...but I promise if that is what you're looking for than I know you will find it when you're least expecting it and probably in a way you never thought would happen. Just like instead of making friends in the typical ways I used to, now I just approach things, places, and people differently and try to connect with those that either know about my situation, can relate or somewhat understand for whatever reason, or just truly kind, no judgement people that have the a similar personality and values. I'm not sure where you live, but if my city had local in person support groups for chronic pain and/or other things similar to that, I would go in a heartbeat because I believe that could be my best bet for connecting with new life-long friends. There is such a deep bond between those of us who face similar struggles in our lives...maybe even more powerful than with outsides at this point.

Lisa, you're doing a great job, even though it totally sucks, but hang in there, girl. PM if of you feel like talking more!!!

Im so sorry for everything your going through Lisa and I completely understand where your coming from. I had a great life before cp, good job, heaps of friends, regular holidays and a great marriage but now all of that has gone and I still have days when I just can't believe how much my whole life has changed. I've been on anti depressants for years and will talk to a psychologist when things get overwhelming but I think that, over time, I've just come to accept that this is my life now and have learnt to find some sort of acceptance with it. I've also had to stop comparing my life to others, like someone said, you never know whats going on behind closed doors and I've found out that people I thought had it all are actually miserable and even more depressed then me. I never thought I'd get married but I did and it was great to start with but when my medical problems started he just couldn't handle it and he ended up making my life harder and more miserable for years before I ended things so being married is no guarantee of living happily ever after either..

I still have bad days but I also try to find pleasure in little things. My crazy cat makes me laugh every day and her having her purring away beside me when I'm stuck in bed makes it more bearable. I watch tv, listen to the radio, find a good book I can lose myself in for awhile and I try to keep in touch with the few friends I have left. What helps when I'm feeling really down, even though I don't do it often enough, is coming here and realising I'm not alone living with cp and everything that comes with it. Its a really hard exhausting way of life and its very easy to feel isolated and completely alone but ds has shown me that there are others out there who understand exactly how I'm feeling. I really hope things start to improve for you soon Lisa and I hope you are feeling a little bit better today. Regards Maddy