Honestly the more "honest" you are with you son the better it will be for both of you. Get rid of the "pity" in him and teach him compassion for others.

My oldest son was born without an immune system and very sick most of the time his first six years of life. He died in my arms twice through his first 11 years. I was a young mom, 20yrs old with a host of my own medical problems and busy with Universtiy and a Career.....not a great mix.

I was also over-protective as hell, because I was abused as a child, nobody would ever touch my child, ever. Keeping him safe was my job...

All of that equaled impending disaster at some point. Never wanted 2 children, the universe thought different. When the 2nd came along, husband was recovering from a Traumatic Brain Injury and a broken right leg, arm, both hips and several ribs. So I had a newborn, a 9 yr. old and a husband at the cognitive age of an 11 yr. old who barely remembered who I and our children were. I couldn't take care of everyone and keep everyone safe....and support the household and take care of myself and my mental and medical health. It was impossible.

I was very honest with my 9 year old when he asked questions about why did his daddy almost die, why was he sick all the time. Why was I painting his room in the middle of the night and waking him up? lol I've never been good at not being honest or direct, it's who I am. In an age-appropriate way I explained to him the things he wanted to know, it made him less scared of all the weird things in his life. It made him incredibly caring and protective of his newborn brother...something I was sure would never happen.

I packed up 8 mo. later and moved us from Texas to NC, I needed the better medical care that Duke and UNC-CH afforded for my Illnesses and Diseases and needed the help of my husbands parents. Change can be a big trigger for BiPolar folks and it was, I had my last few Psych stays here, and as usual I was honest with my kids, they needed to know why mom was gone for a few weeks to months at a time....I didn't say well I decided to die and blah, blah, but they knew I was sad and sick and needed the Dr.'s to help me get back to "me". Grammy brought them to the hospital each day in the afternoons to do homework and on the weekends to visit, we played boardgames and watched movies. My youngest son is Mr. Extrovert....he loved to talk to the other "crazy" people and they enjoyed his bright spot in their day.

I've never tried to hide any part of life from my boys. My oldest son was the one who checked me in at 18 for my last psych stay, and drove me to ECT 3 times a week when I finished it up outpatient. My boys have incredible amounts of compassion for others and a great sense of community. They don't judge people, they accept differences and limitations. Having their grandparents in their lives daily was a big part of that, it was one of the best gifts I could ever give them....but giving them honesty was a big one as well.

Zach-28, in spite of having severe asthma and ADD is a Firefighter since he was 15, its his passion, he's an Army National Guardsman. Nick-19 is in College and when he graduates will be a NC Fish and Wildlife Officer, if that boy couldn't fish each day I think he'd implode..lol. I'm very proud of my sons, they didn't have the easiest life, but they made it through it.

Be honest with your son, let him learn that being different and having limitations is not a bad thing, everyone is not perfect, the world is not a perfect place....and you are Not a bad mom. Compassion is an incredible quality in a man, and he can learn that from you.

Take care,
kat

I’m so sorry Khadi & I understand, especially how you said you did laundry & that’s all it takes. I don’t have kids but I live with my grandfather & try to help him out with things but I beat myself up inside & feel guilty when I’m having bad days & cant accomplish even close what I want to or days I can’t really do anything or when he catches me crying.
Just know that we don’t choose these diseases & our limitations & the fact that we do our best everyday to try to live through it is amazing thing.
I really liked the way OlderCPer explained everything, she worded it better than I probably can
& no you are not a bad mom at all, you are a good mom cause you have love in your heart.
Sending you much support &
Gentlest of hugs <3

Thank you ladies, I was really feeling "less than" and kat your stories of survival always inspire me. Girl you are a fighter...god. I said when my son was born I would raise him to be empathetic and in touch with his feelings and maybe this is one of the ways I will do it. Thank you for your candor, you have shown me there is nothing to be ashamed of...a big lesson I might add.

Lilmissy, I feel for you too honey. We all have to come to terms with what we can do and let go of the things that we can't do while keeping a good attitude and being open to possibilities. Thanks for saying I am a good mom, I needed to hear that and it meant the world to me :) xo

To be honest, having a parent be there emotionally is (in my opinion) worth so much more than one who is only there physically. I know you would obviously like to be able to do both, especially when your child is young. But saying that you want to raise your son with emotional skills is so, so valuable. And when he grows up, I'm betting he will want a mom he can call and talk through tough times with more than a mom who can lift stuff around. ;)
Hugs and warm thoughts.

Thank you so much for the kind words cool...I know what really matters is that we have a good relationship. Once in a while, I get that feeling like I want to be "normal" but seriously...what is normal anyway? The last few days my pain has been very reasonable and man, the colors are brighter...the air smells sweeter...life is good. xo