SOB... it is cold. That is at least a good part of why I hurt so badly. It snowed last night and is due to be down in the 20s or below. The last time I was that cold I could barely get out of bed. Maybe it will get better when the weather gets warmer...

I have been able to learn to be ok at home alone again for the first time since my cancer 2 1/2 years ago. So I did make progress there.

It's hard to lose some of your independence. I have been facing reality here myself the past two weeks. I cried two times last week when I thought about how much it hurts me just to walk through a parking lot, and that without pain meds it would be hard for me to even go grocery shopping at times. I used to just get in my van and drive all over the country running like a madman through rest areas and service plazas on the toll roads. I used to work like a workhorse. There are jobs I used to work at that the owners/managers I worked for would not believe me if they saw the way I live/work now. They would shake their heads and say I'm not the same person. I guess I'm the new me.

I know you're struggling a lot with you new meds and your horses. I hope you find a happy medium between pain management and being able to function Yadlim. I will keep you in my prayers. I hope you feel better soon. Hugs!

hugs

Maybe your dr can increase the morphine er, there are several different doses. And/or give you a different breakthrough med.

Hi honey
Have you tried the Fentynl Patch? I have heard that it works better than the morphine but then as I have always said, we are all different as to how we tolerate medication. Sending you lots of very gentle hugs!
GB

Yadlim I am sorry you are struggling so. I felt that way last week when it was time to prepare for Thanksgiving. I used to love that holiday. I loved preparing the turkey and all the different veg dishes. This year my heart was not in it. I went through the motions with the help of my daughters but the same pleasure was not there. As I said pain robbed me of pleasure. I know that there is nothing we can do so I guess we have to pick ourselves up and appreciate what we do have. I have to learn how to do that too. All I can say is give your family and friends an extra hug or kiss and maybe that will wear off on us. I hope so.
Have a low pain day my friends.

My doctors think I am too young at 44 to be on pain meds for the rest of my life... so they are slow to admit when something is not working. I have heard that some people get great help from the Fentyl patch (I spelled that wrong). My doctor flips out if I make suggestions on what meds I have heard work for other people. I have to just let her suggest a med change.

In a way, the extended release morphine is working, but the truth is that it is at too low of dose for what I want it for.. which is to able to be active again. If I was willing to just sit in a chair all day, yeah, it would be ok. But the dosage is not enough for me to not also have something for breakthrough pain.

The fact is that I won't sit still. I have never been able to sit still and pain only slows me down to ubber slow motion, but even that does not stop me.

This morning I tossed my sick as a dog kid out of bed. We spent 30 minutes gettign the ice off the car - there was four inches of snow over almost an inch of ice! Most days that would have been my whole days worth of moving. Instead we stopped by the coffee stand and drove an hour out to the house of my friend who is watching my horses.

Unfortunately my daughter dumped about 12 ounces of hot coffee over her shirt and pants on the drive out, so as the temperature was in the high 20s, she had to sit inside the house next to the wood stove to get dry. Fortunately, my friend's mom and cousin flaked out and she and I just got to go out. My horse was feeling great and I got to just unwind on a horse who I have been riding for 12 years. I know every move he is going to make and the tell tale signs he is going to move. He is also what is known as gaited, which means his feet move differently than the average horse. When he gaits quickly it is more like sitting on an arm chair than a horse who is moving at almost 10mph.

So for a couple hours I got to just relax and forget that I am broken. I got to look at the frozen wonderland that is the Pacific Northwest when it snows. On Wednesday it will rain again and every thing will thaw out, but for today it looked like a Christmas card.

Of course tomorrow I will pay for being active for so long today, but not any more so than if I had been cleaning or packing for those two hours. Actually, because there was no bending involved, I will hurt less than if I had been cleaning the house.

I don't know any of the answers, not even sure I know the questions. But I do know that today was a good day. Enjoying being out and the feel of a horse under me covered most of the pain. I feel better than I did 24 hours ago. I guess that is the best I can do right now.

None of us like it, but we have to adjust our level of activity to out level of pain. We can't be as active as we were before the chronic pain. I know someone who has not be able to get pain management because their insurance won't cover it and it is either pay the rent or pay for pain management. I don't like not being able to do things I want to do. But, after watching this lady have to be in bed 23 hrs and 30 mins every day, day after day, week after week, ect. I am Thankful that I only have to cut back on some of the things I want to do and not have to cut back on things like taking a shower, being able to get dressed, etc.

and I am reminded of a quote from a movie (The Return of the King?) about not going quietly into the night...

Hugs to all, and thank you for helping me though a hard time the last couple of days.

your so welcome...wishing I had pic of you on horse in snow out there yesterday so I could get it made into Christmas cards to sell and make a mint! LOL

Hugs bill
clearing ice sucks....yesterday here we had ice/freezing rain and had to clear my car too...I started it from inside but did not have the heater turned on and fan blowing on window...so when I got outside I had to do that...after it started to warm the window it did come off much easier....and I scraped the stuff off my drivers window....the front window got cleared all across so I could use windshield wipers...then after all that I had trailer to return to Uhaul....traffic that direction was horrendous....I too stopped for McDonalds coffee....and burrito....at least I had something to eat and drink while sitting crawling along to Uhaul....

oh so much NOT fun....

Oh traffic is a way of LIFE out here. I have honestly seen no less than a dozen people who have either a book or a newspaper opened on their steering wheel! That is just wrong all over! There are times of the day when it is better to just pull off and wait for an hour or two than wade into the fray and be parked on the freeway or main thoroughfares.

And goodness forbid if you are in a major population center when it snows! A light dusting of snow will cause people to turn off their cars and walk away because it is not safe to drive... of course that they have just left a car randomly in the road does not seem to occur to anyone as dangerous!!

And it is not like you can get mad either, it happens too often. The only way to survive is to laugh at it and go on with life.

I am so glad you had a good day. Hugs

Have any of you guys been in Atlanta rush hour traffic? lol.

I played in Atlanta rush hour yesterday and today. Once morning & once afternoon. Fun times!! And to think I did it every day, both ways, for almost 20yrs til last January.

Emerald, I used to pick up loads at midnight in Waycross Georgia for the railroad and deliver them to Cincinnati Ohio. It was a 16 hour drive, over 800 miles. I used to hit Atlanta at 4 AM or so and beat all of the traffic. Atlanta is by far the worse city for rush hour traffic. When it rains in Atlanta, all of the roads are blocked up. That includes the bypass lol. My good friend lives in Buford a suburb of Atlanta. I was last in Atlanta three years ago in the summer on my way back home to form my trucking company. I tried to save a baby kitten I saw crossing the road. I am very alert and I see everything when I drive. I saw this poor thing cross four full lanes of traffic unscathed. I tried to catch it before it disappeared into some bushes. I called a local animal shelter from my cell on the side of the road, but they do not respond to rescue feral cats. I waited for a while trying to coax the cat out of the bushes, but it just stopped crying. I had to leave it. That is my last memory of Atlanta and Georgia. I came home, and three months later had the accident that caused my blood clots and launched my journey into the world of chronic pain and chronic illness. Any how, I hope you all become more mobile, and as mobile as you can. I have been in a lot of pain for the past two days. I am taking three Norco a day spaced out by six and seven hours. I woke up in pain today, and in pain in my good leg/knee. Hugs to everyone!