Mark have you tried talking to your doctor or a therapist? It's pretty common for spouses to fight when one is in pain. It seems to bring out the worst in everyone. But this is not the time to make any big decisions.

Does your wife come to any of your doctors appts with you? I know lots of people have found that their spouse begins to understand when they hear from the doctor what is going on.

Also keep in mind that as much as your life has changed because of your medical problems so has you wife's. She is probably worried about things just like you are. And the changes in your daily routine are affecting hers. Try to consider how all of this has affected her. Then maybe you can sit down and talk honestly. Tell her what is worrying you and ask her what is worrying her. I bet you will be surprised by what you hear.

I am sorry to hear you are having such a ruff time at home, is it due to pain?

I hope you can find a place to share if you can not work things out. Finding someone who is also in pain and you all can lean on each other would be a good idea if it comes to you moving out. It is hard either way

I don't have place to offer either because I am much farther north than you. I do hope that you are able to find someone to live with and get rid of some of the stress and sadness in your life. I want to say try to patch things up with your wife because chronic pain is hard to deal with and harder for others to understand. I want whatever is best for you though. Best of luck!! Sending warm comforting hugs your way!

thanks for all of your support but its time to get away from her, I have to start thinking what's best for me 24 years ago I had my bags packed and she got pregnant so I stayed. Everyone told me that's not a reason to stay but I could not leave, felt obligated. So turns out they were right. I have allways been stubborn in that way boy if I could go back and change things. But now its time she has to Be the meanest person on the planet. I just can't take it anymore the pain is so bad and she is so mean to me I have to find a better situation for myself. She resents the fact that I can't work and doesn't care if I eat or has any compassion for what I am going thru. Yes she used to go to the doc with me but that doesn't help, its just been a bad situation for the last 30 years. What's gonna happen to me when I really can't take care of myself. I have to get motivated and find a better atmosphere so I can be more positive then I think I will have a better future. My youngest turns 18 next march and my obligation will be over legally anyway. I am so depressed all I do is sit at home all day I need to get out of the house there has to be a better situation for me, this can't be it for me. I gave up everything for my family all there's years but what about me? More later

Any chance of just setting up an area of the house for yourself? Two can live cheaper together than apart. These days many people are splitting up but staying in the house. It gives you both a chance to see what life apart is really like.

I still think it would be a good idea for you to see a therapist who is experienced in chronic pain. They can help you with figuring out how to deal with your "new normal".

Sometimes we just have to take care and do what is best for us and I think there are alot of people in pain and out of pain who when their kids are grown They move on and start a new life and I hope that you find the happiness that you are looking for.

Living with someone who is mean and un caring is not worth it I have to agree with you there but just make sure that is what you want you dont want to have regret either way you go.

Good luck with finding a place and maybe you can find something small enough and cheap enough for just you and when someone comes along you all can find a place bigger. Sometimes things just happen because you are in the right place at the right time and the room mate will find you

thanks all but this small 3 bed room house is full, my 24 year old just got a job after sitting around sleeping all day and her car- need a lot of work I love her deeply but the kids don't understand what's been going on between me and my wife, I have made a lot of mistakes thru the whole ordeal, but when my wife starts pushing my buttons I always end up looking like the bad guy they always take her side so my neuropathy has been getting worse and the pain meds are just not doing the job, I need new doctors but haven't had the strength to start the whole thing again, that's all I did for over the last year I need a break from docs but my pain doc is really a poor doctor everything is just harder to deal with lately, can't even answer the phone or open the mail because of the bills they stress me out so bad it makes my pain so much worse. I need some love someone who is nice to me soooo bad I am stuck in this vicious circle I can not get out of,and I can't deal with leaving my dog he is the only one who brings me any joy. I don't blame the kids I know they are just too young to deal with it, I went thru the same thing when I was young I watched my father become totally destroyed by diabetes and I did not Handel it well I'm tired gotta rest thanks all

If you have an income get yourself into a quiet place where you can rest/relax, this would be the only logical thing to do. You can't give something you don't have to give.
God Bless, Vicky xxxxxx

Sounds like you are in a rough spot. I've been there too and know it seems hopeless. One of the things I learned is that you shouldn't make major decisions when you are in crisis. It's really not necessary to make big changes unless you are physically in danger.

What I would suggest trying is sitting down your wife and both kids. You need to share with them in a calm manner how you are feeling. Write it out before hand so you can be clear and not lose track of what you are saying. Explain that you need their support just like you have supported them. I would also tell them that you need your own space in the house for a while. So let the kids share a room and you take your own room.

Of course they won't like this but tough. You pay the bills and it is your home. Kids need the support of their parents but they also need to remember that they are not in charge. Also keep in mind that if money is a problem now if will only get worse with the added expense of another home.

I would also ask your wife or your older daughter to help you find new doctors. Sometimes you need to ask for what you need because even close family doesn't always understand what we are feeling. Might be time for you to ask for help and I sure do know how hard that is to do.

Hi Markl, have you thought of running an ad in the paper or on the internet. You can tell them what you are looking for and not waste so much time. I am sorry you are having to go thru this. This kind of thing is terrible when you are in pain all the time. Let us know how its going.

mark im so sorry i just went threw that its so scarey to take that leap.im sixty and statring over . i had to leave my boyfrind after ten years like you i had enofe .sceaming and yelling , calling me every name in the book .i read your secound post sorry about my spelling.
i know exsactly how you feel if you need to talk im me ok . i thougth he was the meanest preson . i can not take yelling it dose somthing to me.calling me names acussing me of doing things i was not, i too am honest big hearted preson .mark freedom going to feel good.hugs minnie

Hi Mark,

I understand only too well what it is like to live with someone who is not nice to you and you feel you must walk on egg shells. I grew up in just such a household. I am very sorry that you are living in such an environment. I know only too well how difficult it is!

You have to do what you deem is best in the long term for your well being. The person your wife is is not going to change. So if you wish for a change then it is up to you.

There are helps within the community so you don't have to do this entirely on your own. Look online for services in your community. Many are age related and also there are special services for the disabled. Ask at the local Senior center what is available locally that is a good place to start.

I wish you well and hope that this transition goes as smoothly as possible. Hugs, Cathy

yes my own space peace and quiet I wish. I am at a disadvantage here in any discussion. Basically there is no hope for me the girls like have their own club. I love them dearly but if I was to leave I would miss my dog the most. Who am I kidding I'm not going anywhere we are barely holding on to the house as it is, and my pain meds are barely helping and gotta go to the doc this week and get the lecture that I have to stick to the dose recommended so I am going to have to go thru detox to try to reset my body clock, what fun. As I lay on the couch the weeds keep growing my house is falling apart my credit is in the shitter thanks to my wife, and my options are to take it on the chin. Thanks to all of you for your suggestions but its pretty hopeless living in pain and being on narcotics in Florida is a no win situation. I made my decision 25 years ago when I made the decision to stay with her and support her with our child, all my life I thought do the right thing and you will be rewarded, for 25 years I have been home every night for dinner always supported my children the best I could, never bought anything for myself. Went without sex for so long I don't remember the last time I got lucky ha. Never cheated lied or did an immoral illegal thing. So don't feel bad for me its my own fault every day now is like a nightmare. Where is the justice in this world I have learned a lot nice guys finish last

Mark you are facing the reality that most people live with. I'm not trying to say that everything will become perfect but I think a little honest discussion in your home would help. Your kids are old enough to participate so have a family meeting. Explain what is going on and how you feel. And listen to what they have to say too.

It's not going to fix 25 years of problems but it could help make right now a little better. In the meantime get off your butt and find a new doctor. There are many options for nerve pain relief.

Mark, I'm so sorry you have to feel this way. Nobody is ever helped by pain AND psychological abuse.

You mention she pushes your buttons. Find a way to disconnect those buttons. Seriously. We can't control what others say and do to us but we can control how we react. If your daughters see how hurtful your wife is to you and how much you AREN'T lashing back, they'll have a different picture of you, and a different picture of her. Re-program yourself. It is possible. Pretend that she is a stranger and you're in church. Turn the other cheek. When the meanness stops hurting you, the meanness will go away.

Difficult homework, but if you accomplish it you'll come out with a masters degree in neutralizing the attack. I'm pulling for you.