Its a sad truth that for some reason others seem to take flight, like we, the real us no longer exists.
There is much more then just a physical side, what the heck are these people going to do when they are old or hit a rough patch in the road?

I am blessed, I have a true friend from childhood, she gets it for the most part. I have my girls & I'll always be mom. I have my husband who I know lives in fear for me.

From my first surgery most of my huge family disappeared.
I helped every single person who ever needed my help, being the youngest, yet here I am & where are they?
That's OK now, not before but now. Hell I don't want anyone in my life who can't care enough.

No matter what deep down there are part of the old me. I refuse to allow this pain to take every shred away. Ive watched it happen to others & its not what or where I want to be. Although I admit it sure is hard, hard enough for others laughter to cause me tears.

I don't care who you are or where you come from your going to go through something & those who don't have to give will think back.

I worry Chris, I'm scared especially with the latest & greatest DX of RA to add to my already hurting body. Yet I'm here & god willing I'll make my mark one way or the other.

It can be lonely but I imagine those who don't even know places like this exist. I thank god I can come on here or find support & pity those who have nothing, no one.
Hang in there, you have a lot to give, Its those who choose to walk away that have lost out.
God bless & I hope better days are to come.
Sammy

I have been very angry lately about my pain too Kris and have been pretty miserable as a result. I didn't like what I saw when I stopped and examined myself. It was nothing like the person I used to be. I have done some soul searching and have decided not to let pain take any more of me away than I can help. I'm finding that if I try to get in touch with it instead of fighting it, I am that much better off and a more pleasant person to be around. I have not been questioning why either lately and just tell myself that God has a plan for me that only he knows at this point. I still have hope that I will be able to do something positive as a result of this experience as I need that. I too lost all my friends. People don't know what to say or do with people like us. It is not their fault when I think abpout it, I realize that it would probably be too much for me as well if I were them. We have to rise above it as hard as that is. There is no choice if we want some peace of mind. Hurting yourself more by punching your bag until your knuckles bleed may be getting some of your anger out now, but I believe we need to love ourselves in spite of it all and find new ways to grow. Are there any in person support groups where you live? Perhaps talking and seeing people who understand would help.

The worse our bad days are the better our good days are. I'll never forget the month of September last year when I had gone into remission and was helped by my chiro with other issues. It is a wonderful memory that I thought I would never have again after the 12 years before it. It makes me smile when I think about it. And now every good day is so precious!

I think more than anything im afraid, afraid im becoming that which i fear most. When i was a child i new 2 things love and pain, my mother was to me love incarnate and she always will be. My father on the other hand was pain, i went from being a happy child to being numb in the time it took for him to drink a few beers...

As soon as i could i got away from him, but as far and fast as i could run i could never completely escape, the boogeymen has always been under the bed. i thought i was better than him but i used to use alcohol to numb the world but i never let it consume me, but i did let it lower my inhibitions to the point where i hurt someone, strike that i crippled someone and i paid societies price for it, i got to spend 2 years in a box with myself and i learned all about the dark side of me...

so back to my initial point fear...

im just so afraid that as this pain consumes me that it might let that darkness out, is that possible? should i even be speaking about it like its a separate part of me?

I dont know, just feeling in a bit over my head currently, thanks for listening...really i love you all.......Kris......

kris, that really puts things in perspective. adult children of alcoholics (and i one) carry a lot on their shoulders at too young and age and learn to compartmentalize. i truly sympathize with the dark side feeling. that' s why i think we have to embrace it and let ourselves learn to accept comfort. me anyway. years of therapy, reading, support groups and it's still a lot to work on.
i wish you the best and do send big healing hugs!

We all have sides of ourselves that we don't like Kris. We're only human and stuff happens that sometimes bring out our human weaklnesses. I think seeing the dark side of oneself as being a separate entity is a sign that you no longer identify with that part of you as you have now grown into a different person where that is not such a consuming part of you.

Kris, have you thought about sharing your pain with God? You don't mention Him in your posts, but I'm sure you're angry at Him too. I went through a period a few years ago that I didn't even believe God existed. How could He let all this suffering occur? What did I ever do to deserve this?
But then I started to talk to God and sometimes it wasn't pleasant but he listened. Today I thank Him for the little things in life, those things that keep me going when I don't want to anymore.
You might be surprised!
Sandy

Kris, my heart aches for you. Admitting to dark feelings is so hard and I admire you greatly for that . You are so articulate, have you ever seen a therapist? I rolled my eyes at the thought for years. But when I finally went, he helped me see things from a different angle. Just a thought.

I hope and pray you feel better soon.

Loving hugs,
Theresa

So are you in therapy or are you going to get in therapy?

I really hate that you are writing about these things in the third person...you were the child with an alcoholic parent, you were the person who drank in excess, you are the person who permanently hurt someone else, you were the person you went to jail, you are the person who is living with your physical conditions and you are the person who is affected by all of these things....YOU.

This is your life. You have to take the good, the bad and the ugly. If you are bleeding you would get a bandaid. If you feel bad you get a therapist.

I'm with Tigg on this one , Kris...
I was too weird myself to get back to this yesterday....but when I reread the thread....I thought...
This distancing yourself from yourself.....well, that's a setup for distancing yourself from current feelings/actions......
We aren't shrinks....AND....you already know the answers in your heart........
I'm glad you bring your truth here.....now the truth-back is that you really should get some psych help....and maybe some anger management.
Luv ya.....hugs.....jc..