Pain I am used to - it has been 19 years now, though it has only been horrible pain for the last few years.

VA and government delays and paperwork I am used to... they have processes that rarely have speed up buttons.

... but this has gotten ridiculous. I have pushed through on promises of things getting better after surgery, only to find that I am not a candidate for surgery. sucks, but ok. So on to pain management... eventually???? So far the only thing that seeing the "chronic pain" specialists has done is make things worse. They looked at the meds I was taking and flipped out - getting me jerked off my muscle relaxants cold turkey. 'Cause DTs are fun during finals four months before finishing my Bachelor's degree!

The doctors want me off my tranquilizers - "for long term health reasons" with no substitutes. Right, 'cause my curling up and screaming myself unconscious two of three times a week WITH my tranquilizers will get better if I don't have the medication to keep me calm... My Psych doctor vetoed that concept!

I was supposed to take a sleep apnea test - but was never scheduled for one. So when I go back to see the pain clinic doctors on the 8th, they are not going to be happy. And I know that they are going to want to push off doing anything until that gets done.

Until then, without my muscle relaxants, I am losing functionality at a geometric rate. Two months ago I could be up and moving for up to two hours... this week I have not bee able to be functional for more than 20 minutes at a time - ten is better. If I push to 30 minutes, my chest seizes and I collapse to the ground with my diaphragm in tetanus. (For those who don't want to think hard enough to read what I just wrote, my lungs just stop working) and this can last for better than five minutes. To say it is painful is a understatement. To say it is scary, does not begin to cover it.

I was seeing this group voluntarily to see about getting off the short term break through meds, and onto some sustained release pain management. I can't help but wonder if I would not be better off just going back to my Primary Care Doctor who doesn't know anything about treating chronic pain and just telling him that I want to try going on Gabaton (?) I have it written down somewhere. Then also keep my opiates for break through pain.

Meanwhile, I have one VA counselor bugging me to find a full time job while the work source counselor wants me to just apply for full disability and get off her books.

I have stuff to do. I have a house that is killing me - literally as the insulation and almost all of the dry wall is full of black mold. I have to get my life pack/sorted so we can move out, but only being able to move for 20 minutes a day is going to take YEARS to pack us out of this house!!!! I have be to be able to function at least a couple hours a day...

So far today I have taken a total of five hours of naps, been awake for five hours, and done 15 minutes of action - and I am physically done. It has taken me 30 minutes to eat half my dinner... but I am still working on it.

I have no $$ to go outside the VA, so I am stuck. I just want to scream. If I can't get help soon I am going to go just sit in the Patient Advocate office and see what they can get done...

yadlim the stressed Misha who is going nuts with the fireworks