I HATE feeling sorry for myself, but today I do. It's rare- I really, really rarely allow myself to wallow in pity. But Sunday night my whole body froze up, muscles and even a few joints. It happened once before when I was 1st diagnosed with RSD and I recall the doctor then saying something about the Sympathetic Nervous System. I was in too much pain to remember much, other than laying on a table crying with doctors and nurses pushing on areas of my body and some massaging the muscles. I don't remember what it was called, I don't remember why it happened, or if it even had anything to do with the RSD.

So Sunday night it happened and I have such a fear of ERs and needles and yes, doctors, that I wouldn't let my hubby take me anywhere. Actually, I don't know how I would've gotten out of bed and down the stairs. But I told my hubby where to pinch, massage and put heating pads, and in about a half hour I was able to move and the pain was mainly in my RSD leg and my upper back. I'm still sore, my pain level is up and on top of everything I'm still fighting a terrible head cold. My husband had to take off work yesterday and his job depends on punctuality.

I feel useless because we waited SO long for our son. We buried our firstborn, and went through a miscarriage of twins, and in-vitro and everything under the sun. Finally, I'm a mother, and 2 days in a row I can't care for him! We have the sitter coming tonight b/c my hubby bowls in a league, and I know I won't be up to all day AND night. I'm relying on Sesame Street right now, which isn't TERRIBLE but I'm so used to getting on the floor with him and playing. And he knows something is off- Mommy doesn't just SIT all day. He's being SO gentle, even though he doesn't know what is going on, and he takes breaks from Sesame to come and sit with me. At 2 he already knows to avoid my foot and leg, but he shouldn't HAVE to worry about when and where he can hug his mommy.

So while it rarely happens, today, I feel USELESS.