((( hugs)))) I hope better times come soon for you.
I thought about death quite a few times this year and how it would end the nightmare I ve been through, but having come close to dying when I was 13 - I know this is not what I want and I m going to fight for every day I get on this planet. Thankfully I think I have a while.

I'm not one who has an illness such as yourself, but my bf of almost 8 years has been diagnosed with large cell neuroendocrine pancreatic cancer that has spread to his liver.
We didn't have a "perfect" relationship to begin with & this has thrown a whole new ton of dynamics to deal with.
I can't imagine being in your shoes.
I wish peace for you. Hugs!

To be clear..
I do not have a terminal DX. A combination of things led to my being so sick last year.
It's just been on my mind again lately due to circumstances following the same course lately.

I learned at that time that there are a number of people on this site dealing not only with pain...but serious illness.
Or..like me..whose multiple conditions can combine to cause serious problems..

This isn't so much about me..as..I remembered some people were relieved to talk about this side of things.

Hugs
jc

I deal with multiple conditions. Combined they could easily end my life. BUt no one seems to care until a doctor calls them to tell them I might pass without decent care. Then they all jump on board. Once the crisis is over, they are all gone off on their lives again.

I am seriously thinking of hiding it the next time. It is too lonely being alone unless I am in critical condition.

jc.........

I've thought about this a lot this year, especially with people like Toni Braxton being in the hospital with p.e.'s from lupus and Bill McGrath's step daughter dying from complications of lupus at 22....

One in ten people with lupus die from it. Most people don't think lupus is a deadly disease but it can be. I'm thankful I do not a severe case of lupus, but I have had multiple pulm.emboli and it scared the hell out of me.

Some people think that having a will and advanced directives at a young age is overkill, but since I worked in trauma for many years, I know that death can happen at any age, whether you're sick or not.

I had "the talk" with my husband and son about my wishes. I even have a list of music I want played at my funeral. I don't think about it every day, but it is in the back of my mind.

And Sunny, I totally understand your comment. My brother disowned me 10 years ago on Christmas and only came to see me when I was in a coma and he probably thought I was going to die. Haven't heard much from him since- he didn't even call my husband after his visit to see how I was doing. Nice, huh?

I don't think you're being over dramatic here, jc. I think you are smart to think about these things. It will happen to all of us, we just don't know when and how. Hopefully, we'll all die in our sleep and won't be in pain, but there are no guarantees.

Thanks for bringing up this subject.

Sandy

Yeah, it is an important topic to be allowed to talk about. Otherwise, these feelings just stew and we feel all alone. There are few things worse than being alone with illness.

I wonder how many suicides would be prevented if people were allowed to just talk seriously about feelings without being judged?!?!

JC,

I to suffer from a few illnesses other than my pain which I also take meds for. Some days those meds make me so sick,.I just wish it would be over. Not that I want to end my life just get tired of fighting all the time.

Sunny, I know how you feel, my family really doesn't bother with me unless I'm really bad and in the hospital. Then, the only reason I see them or they'll call is if my dad asks what's going on and to make sure I'm ok. He lives out of.state so he relies.on them for info. If I didn't have my cousins to help me, and my godchild, I'd have no help at all.

When the drs. made.a mistake a few years ago, they told me I had lung cancer. I didn't tell anyone. I wanted to get all my affairs in order first and I didn'twant them around just because I was dying, or.so I thought. It was around Thanksgiving and Christmas that this was all taking place and I'm glad I didn't tell anyone, because in Jan. They decided it was double pneumonia and not cancer but it was a tough 3 months to go thru.

Sandy, I can relate to what you were saying. Right now my skun cancer is under control with the medications they have me on, but this year there were a lot if deaths in the news from it. I also have a friend dying from it know. Same age as me. So it gets tough to think about. I hope we all have many more years ahead of us even though at times, they can get hard to deal with.

JC, thanks for bringing this up. I appreciate it and don't feel so alone right now.

I wish everyone the healthiest new year ever. I'm sending hugs out to you all and thank you all for being here.

Mary Ellen

Although I don't have a terminal dx when all my symptoms snowball I sure feel close to death. Sometimes between the pain and the meds it's hard to feel alive.

I agree with all of you that this is a great topic JC. Also agree with MeandMy, its really hard to appreciate life when your living in a fog of pain and depression and this is all there is to look forward to year after year.

Most of my family doesn't even bother to visit when I am in hospital. They think one "gets used to it" after 60 or so visits. So they just call the nurses station to see if they need to plan a funeral. (actually shared that with me the last time). Talk about feeling like a problem instead of a blessing!!!

Then my christian friends all say, "It beats the alternative!"
WHat the heck does that really mean coming from a christian???
Not sure if they understand what the preacher is teaching every Sunday.

sunny,

I'm really sorry your family has deserted you. It's tough living with this and spending time in the hospitals. After probably 90 or more surgeries, I can totally relate. I am lucky that I have 2 cousins who really feel like sisters to me, who have been there for me. Just tbe same, Iknow how much it hurts when you're own family isn't around. I've had to rely on strangers to help me bathe and get groceries, etc. Do you have any friends who help, or church family that can help you? I hope you have someone who you can rely on and if not, know we're always here for you. I know it's not the same, but I know this group has helped me feel that I'm not alone anymore.

I'm sending you big hugs,

Mary Ellen

Last yr. when I was in ER with Afib, and I could not be converted...late in the evening I was allowed to come home, still in afib. During the night, I had the second heart to heart talk with my self...I may not make it through the night. Stroke took my Dads life. I had had an earlier bout with Cancer and the evening before that emergency surgery, was my first reality check, I am not immortal. Cancer had taken my Sisters life.

My afib is now controlled and Cancer cells removed, but I have all my affirs in order, and I am VERY aware of the gift and preciousness of each day!!!!!

I'm so glad you are feeling better Carol. I'm glad the cancer is gone and your heart problems are being taken care of with meds. It must have been a scary time for you. I agree life.is precious and you have to try and enjoy each day you have.

Glad you're feeling better

Hugs,

Mary Ellen

Well JC, had to "Cogitate" on this for a while. The last post similar to this was closed so I will try not to say anything that closes this. It is important for people to be able to discuss if they want to.

They have brought me back twice. It is kinda strange. Does that mean I have a purpose or did I really luck out and have great doctosr?. I don't know.

I think it is important at any age to have your affairs in order because there are not guarantees in life. Each day is a gift.

Do I think about ending it? Do I have a plan? Do I have my affairs in order?

When my mother was in her last stages of Cancer we discussed death. She wanted everyone to understand and forgive her if she chose not to go through the last stages of pain that comes with Cancer.I really think sometimes just having that option can give you the strength to fight through a situation. If you know you have that emergency button to push to get out and stop it, sometimes that is all you need to relax enough to fight to the end. My mother did. She never took the short cut out. But I would have forgiven her if she did. She went through hell and back, so did my step father who we took care of for 7 years until lung cancer took him. Hospice was here helping us. I found a gun in his sock drawer that I missed when I moved him in. He had his plan. I f@ked up! I had children and did not know he really had hidden a loaded gun in my house, I thought I had found them all. Very scarry.

Is it selfish? Yes, it scars the people we leave behind. If they are blood related they will be afraid to have children because they might pass on that gene even though CP has nothing to do with genetics.

I know how to stop this merry-go-round. If I do go for it I will try to plan it so there will be the lease amount of fall out damage as possible.

We all get tired. The pain hits too high. The family and friend rejection is crap. Trying to find any reason to keep fighting is so hard sometimes. I guess that is how I found DS. I typed in something like "What do you do when there is nothing left?" at 3 in the morning and DS showed up.

I am very glad I found DS. I really don't know if I would have continued fight past that evening.

I hope and pray that each of us have a better 2013 and continue finding a thread to hang onto.

Hugs-RJ

JC I know i have been there. I almost died seven times now. Didn't like that feeling when I was close to it at all. I fought so hard and God helped me stay here. I too have my affairs in order. It is hard when we have conditions that cause pain and depression. It is a hard fight to keep going when we just want to give up. It gets tiring after awhile. But I am not going to let it win. I am going to fight and continue to fight to stay alive. The human will is strong all of us have it deep inside. It feels good to hear everyone goes through the same thing I do don't have much extended family and to have support from everyone here is a godsend. Thank you everyone for being here for me. And Jc We love you. Hang in there.