My family is having dinner tonight, a lovely Saturday for them. I was invited, but there isn't enough gas in the car to go over. I spent 20 minutes today listening to my Mom's epic struggle to find the right light bulb for her bathroom and how difficult that was, then the fight she and my Dad got into over the light bulb. She finally gets around to asking how I am, and when I tell her how much pain I'm in, she tells me she has too much going on right now to think about that. I have a genetic, untreatable degenerative disease that basically makes my bones break, my joints dislocate, and every tiny bump turns into a huge bruise. The last job I worked I broke my foot just from standing all day. My parents pay my rent, which I appreciate, but they seem to think that it's a replacement for emotional support. The price that I pay for their support is that I am bombarded daily by my Mom's marital problems, issues with her friends, or the unending home remodeling that my parents have been doing since I was two years old. 

My husband has observed that I can go from a perfectly fine mood to crying all day after talking to her. It seems especially true when I'm feeling good and she's in a bad mood. She is so negative about anything hopeful I have to say about my life, and she shuts down any ideas I have immediatley.She asks every day if I've heard anything about my SSI case (on year two now!) and then spins a whole negative scenario about what will happen if I don't get it. If I talk about any new treatment, she says "You probably won't have Medicaid anymore by then". My Dad is career focused and pretty emotionally unavailable, especially when it comes to my Mom or my health. They constanly tell me that they have my back, that I won't end up on the street, but then she completely undermines any sense of security I have. For example, I was talking about someone we know having her antiques valued for her estate. My Mom says "Well, just so you know you're spending your inheritance now." What? I was talking about antiques! Then she says "You now, just so its fair to your brother." WTF??? What about my life, or anyone else's, is fair? Is is fair that I inherited a condition that makes my joints fall apart? Or that I can't have children? Or that I spent six years in school getting two degrees that I am too sick to use? Life isn't fair! It's just a fact, and I don't like talking about what's fair or not. My interactions with her often leave me feeling like there's no point in trying to cope with my pain, and like I should just give up, as in early checkout, no more pain forever. 

Okay, that's a bit off track, but it's a pretty good example of the kind of interaction we have. I am in counseling, and fully aware that she and I are codependent. No matter how much progress I seem to make with this issue, she still has so much power over me. I can't break free because I would be homeless. I can't confront her because if I even gently suggest that something she's done is inapropriate, she bursts into tears and I end up comforting her. It's so confusing because I truly love her and we were really close before I got really sick. No one else in my family will go to any form of counseling at all, so that's out of the question. The fact that I see someone means that I'm the crazy one to them, so it's very easy to dissmiss my feelings. So, the question is, is there a way to break free from this cycle without alienating my Mom or losing the assistance I have? Is it worth it to accept their help when my mental health is so damaged by these interactions? Do I even have any other options?

Thanks for reading. Hugs to all.