If I look shifty and nervous when you walk in the room, please know it is not the drugs. Please know, you are not the first, second or third doctor I have seen- you are simply one of many and that shifty look I give is me bracing for the look of judgment in your eyes.

Yes, the judgment in your eyes.

Please know that I have suffered- that i do suffer and often I seek no treatment, because of the shame I feel and that somehow this is all my fault; that it is all in my head, or I should be tougher than the pain.

Please know that the pain never goes away. That it feels like you are carrying a knife wielding, toddler around 24/7. When you wake the child is stabbing you asking you never ending questions. When you are at work, when you sleep, when you try and enjoy a social evening out there it is "Mom. mom. mom. mom. mom" with corresponding stabbings to the affected areas.

It is torture and it makes me sad and question humanity that you allow me to suffer when you have the power to relieve it.

Please know that I would seriously consider having my leg amputated to release the pain, please know sometimes I want to die to escape the pain. If there was a way to scoop out part of my brain to end the pain- i would do it. without hesitation.

Please know, i simply want pain medication because I miss my life. I do not want to feel better than anyone else- I simply want to feel like everyone else. I want to feel good, walk my dog, clean my house and not feel mental and physical pain and exhaustion.

Please know i feel helpless, exhausted, scared and alone and when you look at me that way, talk to me that way- you are not helping. Your assumptions and distrust about my life make me question my own sanity.