Chronic Fatigue Syndrome Support Group
Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (ME/CFS) describes a sense of exhaustion and post-exertion malaise, even when you have gotten enough rest and sleep. The disease is characterized by six months of incapacitating fatigue experienced as profound exhaustion and extremely poor stamina, and problems with concentration and short-term memory. The cause is unknown, but it is a...
Hi my DS friends. Laying myself bare before you this morning, really would appreciate your feedback.
I'm in a bit of a countdown. Have been for some months now. Suicidal ideation is really strong. And the more I think about it the more I know that I really want to live. I have so many dreams, I have purpose, I have gifts and I am so ready to offer them.
But I'm running out of money. I don't qualify for disability. Even if I did I won't be diagnosed with CFS because I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. So, no state support.
I have 2 sisters who are close to me and have been supportive through this journey. But neither of them can afford to take care of me financially. The contributions they can make are but a small portion of my monthly expenses.
I lost my job last January. I attempted to work in June and crashed pretty quickly. I have applied for many jobs, I don't even get callbacks. I am ridiculously overqualified for the jobs I apply for. I was a mid-level manager, I have a bachelors in computer science and a masters in business. I am a certified project manager and have been a senior manager for over 15 years.
I've tapped into all my professional networks regarding finding a project and there have been some promising leads which have not panned out.
I tapped out my savings months ago and then maxed out my credit cards. So now I'm counting down, when I run out of money I run out of time.
I really think I have tried to maintain a positive attitude and look to solutions rather than wallowing in self pity. When I just stopped working I had some capital and tried to tried to start a business. I was making good progress..until I crashed, for 5 months.
I wrote a book. It has sold maybe 6 copies. I've booked tons of hours and sunk precious dollars into promoting it. I think it is a good book and will help people. I'm glad I did it, even if I don't make any money from it.
I tried to put my home up for sale. I have been working on it for 9 years and poured most of my savings into it. On paper it was a good financial decision because it is worth twice what I have put in. But it is unfinished. Based on current comps if I sell now I will lose half the money I put in. Christ! 9 years of blood, sweat and tears and I was just basically throwing my money into a hole. Sigh.
I gave up my car almost a year ago, it was still financed and I decided to get rid of the expense. I have had my own car for over 25 years. Adjusting to public transportation is pretty tough and has limited my mobility even more. I now leave home maybe 2-3 times per month.
Then to add to it all, my son and I had an altercation which resulted in him being removed from my home. I don't have the funds to pay the lawyer.
The truth is my friends that I cannot see a way forward. I have many 'friends' who get excited when there is a crisis but are not there to take your hand and help you move forward. So, I literally stand alone.
Over the last year I have prayed so hard for a miracle. I have expected, I have believed and I have walked in faith. I am generous with my means even as meagre as they are right now. I always expected this to turnaround. I try to encourage and enrich the lives of others. I believe I do have a purpose and I am living it.
I just started a mentoring programme for young girls in an inner-city high school. I did a session yesterday and when I walked int heir faces lit up and they cheered. That warms my heart but it makes me sad also. I don't want to bond with them because I may not be here a month from now and I don't want to hurt them, they've been hurt enough in their lives.
How can I rncourage and uplift others when my life feels so very broken? A lifetime with depression was burden enough. Being single parent. Trying to create a home for myself and my son. Dysfunctional relationships. Dealing with post traumatic impacts from my childhood...
My plate was really full before CFS. Since CFS it seems that no matter how hard I try, my life is quicksand and I just keep sinking deeper and deeper...
I'm at the place now where I am done. All the fight has been knocked out of me. It seems there is a seed of hope within me which refuses to die but I don't have the energy right now to believe. I can't pray right now. I feel so defeated and above all so confused.
I have lived a good life, I am a good person. I have worked so hard throughout my life, made so many sacrifices, I have chosen over and over again to do the right thing. I have accepted my challenges and have really tried to live above them. But I just keep moving backwards. I just don't understand...
And I can't see a way forward. Its not about anti-depressants. Anti-depressants may help me to feel better but they're not going to pay the light bill.. this is about the practical realities of my life which just seem to get worse with every passing month.
2 years ago I was diagnosed with cancer. I thought about it for 3 months before I decided to do the surgery because cancer would have been a more honorable way to die than suicide. I chose life and I now look back at that decision with regret.
Had I died 2 years ago my son's wellbeing would have been protected through my insurance (which I no longer have). I had money in the bank, my son was not a ward of the state.
Now I leave a burden on someone else because I have nothing left. My next step, should I stay is that I will be a burden also, so someone else will have to take care of my son and me as well. I've lost a lot over the past years, I don't think I can face the loss of ability to take care of myself.
I feel so alone.
How do I pull this together? How do I go on?
THIS IS NOT A REQUEST FOR FUNDS!! Just asking for advice, some of you have been here and are still standing. Please share your experience. I just need to see a how.
I'm in a bit of a countdown. Have been for some months now. Suicidal ideation is really strong. And the more I think about it the more I know that I really want to live. I have so many dreams, I have purpose, I have gifts and I am so ready to offer them.
But I'm running out of money. I don't qualify for disability. Even if I did I won't be diagnosed with CFS because I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. So, no state support.
I have 2 sisters who are close to me and have been supportive through this journey. But neither of them can afford to take care of me financially. The contributions they can make are but a small portion of my monthly expenses.
I lost my job last January. I attempted to work in June and crashed pretty quickly. I have applied for many jobs, I don't even get callbacks. I am ridiculously overqualified for the jobs I apply for. I was a mid-level manager, I have a bachelors in computer science and a masters in business. I am a certified project manager and have been a senior manager for over 15 years.
I've tapped into all my professional networks regarding finding a project and there have been some promising leads which have not panned out.
I tapped out my savings months ago and then maxed out my credit cards. So now I'm counting down, when I run out of money I run out of time.
I really think I have tried to maintain a positive attitude and look to solutions rather than wallowing in self pity. When I just stopped working I had some capital and tried to tried to start a business. I was making good progress..until I crashed, for 5 months.
I wrote a book. It has sold maybe 6 copies. I've booked tons of hours and sunk precious dollars into promoting it. I think it is a good book and will help people. I'm glad I did it, even if I don't make any money from it.
I tried to put my home up for sale. I have been working on it for 9 years and poured most of my savings into it. On paper it was a good financial decision because it is worth twice what I have put in. But it is unfinished. Based on current comps if I sell now I will lose half the money I put in. Christ! 9 years of blood, sweat and tears and I was just basically throwing my money into a hole. Sigh.
I gave up my car almost a year ago, it was still financed and I decided to get rid of the expense. I have had my own car for over 25 years. Adjusting to public transportation is pretty tough and has limited my mobility even more. I now leave home maybe 2-3 times per month.
Then to add to it all, my son and I had an altercation which resulted in him being removed from my home. I don't have the funds to pay the lawyer.
The truth is my friends that I cannot see a way forward. I have many 'friends' who get excited when there is a crisis but are not there to take your hand and help you move forward. So, I literally stand alone.
Over the last year I have prayed so hard for a miracle. I have expected, I have believed and I have walked in faith. I am generous with my means even as meagre as they are right now. I always expected this to turnaround. I try to encourage and enrich the lives of others. I believe I do have a purpose and I am living it.
I just started a mentoring programme for young girls in an inner-city high school. I did a session yesterday and when I walked int heir faces lit up and they cheered. That warms my heart but it makes me sad also. I don't want to bond with them because I may not be here a month from now and I don't want to hurt them, they've been hurt enough in their lives.
How can I rncourage and uplift others when my life feels so very broken? A lifetime with depression was burden enough. Being single parent. Trying to create a home for myself and my son. Dysfunctional relationships. Dealing with post traumatic impacts from my childhood...
My plate was really full before CFS. Since CFS it seems that no matter how hard I try, my life is quicksand and I just keep sinking deeper and deeper...
I'm at the place now where I am done. All the fight has been knocked out of me. It seems there is a seed of hope within me which refuses to die but I don't have the energy right now to believe. I can't pray right now. I feel so defeated and above all so confused.
I have lived a good life, I am a good person. I have worked so hard throughout my life, made so many sacrifices, I have chosen over and over again to do the right thing. I have accepted my challenges and have really tried to live above them. But I just keep moving backwards. I just don't understand...
And I can't see a way forward. Its not about anti-depressants. Anti-depressants may help me to feel better but they're not going to pay the light bill.. this is about the practical realities of my life which just seem to get worse with every passing month.
2 years ago I was diagnosed with cancer. I thought about it for 3 months before I decided to do the surgery because cancer would have been a more honorable way to die than suicide. I chose life and I now look back at that decision with regret.
Had I died 2 years ago my son's wellbeing would have been protected through my insurance (which I no longer have). I had money in the bank, my son was not a ward of the state.
Now I leave a burden on someone else because I have nothing left. My next step, should I stay is that I will be a burden also, so someone else will have to take care of my son and me as well. I've lost a lot over the past years, I don't think I can face the loss of ability to take care of myself.
I feel so alone.
How do I pull this together? How do I go on?
THIS IS NOT A REQUEST FOR FUNDS!! Just asking for advice, some of you have been here and are still standing. Please share your experience. I just need to see a how.
I can't know exactly how you are feeling but there has been more than one time I almost let myself just slip under the water at the pool, so maybe just a bit I get it. When my kids were off to parts too far away and I was in a relationship that left me feeling abused and like a total utter fool... death sounded peaceful. But there are other ways to find peace and live to fight another day.
Forgive me for not being the best at virtually hugging you, I tend to be a "let's fix it" kind of person....
Financially it sounds like time to see if you can find someone to talk to about bankruptcy. Ideally you would sell the house, put the money into a roth ira and then go bankrupt. I believe you are permitted to keep whatever is in your retirement acct so this would protect it. Then you would have no debt and some cash. But I am unsure of all this. A free visit with a bankruptcy lawyer might help.
I wonder if you might be able to rent out your house or part of it?
I don't know your age. If you are 62 or over there is reverse mortgage...
Emotionally I wonder if it might be a good idea to go ahead and let yourself go into in-patient treatment for a bit? If you check yourself in you can leave when you want and get it on your record. You CAN get ssdi with bi-polar, I have a friend who did, but having inpatient treatment records helps. Being in there might just get you a social worker for free who will set you up with anything you might get from the gov't like Obamacare, etc. Forgive my ignorance, I can't remember if you are from the US, but I'm thinking there is an equivalent if you are not.
In this particular case perhaps your son is best with a relative, maybe one of your sisters will take him in while you heal? I know he is with the state right now but if hang in there, you can perhaps arrange for him to be with family while you heal and not with strangers. Also if you decided to do this, just being pragmatic, think of the heck he would go through settling your estate and finding funeral money. I know that sounds just awful to say but I see you thinking he would be better off if you were dead and I just need you to see that is just not true. It would only add to his pain and that of your family. I am not a religious person in the traditional sense so I cannot say what faith might do to help you, but I do think that looking at the larger picture will help you understand this is just not the sensible, logical or moral thing to do.
It just feels like rock bottom may be a new start and it will take more than just more of the same to make that happen.
I would make two calls, one to a bankruptcy lawyer and one to your pcp to talk about voluntary commitment for suicidal feelings and how it affects your rights. I wish I had more to offer. So many of us are one occurrence away from being financially bereft. I'm sorry this is happening to you right now. Sending you hope that better days are coming.
This is such a disturbing time in my life, having just lost my husband. I often used to wonder what would happen to me financially, emotionally....if he died. Well, he up and died. And all those things I feared would happen, DID! So I'm at that "bottom of the heap" place, having lost my essential person for happiness, yet I know that one thing at a time can be done to help me get by!!
I LOVE Nina's reply to you. She's telling it like it is, Max. This is why you came here. To here what people are going to say that will make some sort of sense to you.
My daughter is bi-polar. She admitted herself (we took her, they kept her) to a facility where she spent two weeks. When she came home from there, she was a different person. One with a mission. One who had been put on proper meds and she totally admitted that she was calmer and could finally THINK! I think the mania part of her bi-polar often caused irrational behavior, which embarrassed her, and the depression part made her want to die! I was always in fear for her life. So yes, I DO understand what it's like to be at the bottom. I know what it's like to watch someone I love hit the bottom. I know what it's like to watch someone I love die! It doesn't all add up to a box of joy! I'll tell ya!
However, I agree that bankruptcy is an absolute answer for you for your financial problems. I agree that you harming or killing yourself would really truly devastate your son, and I know you don't want to do that.
You also said you stopped praying. I know life can be too painful to go to God sometimes. I give all the glory for everything I have to Jesus. I just know He is with me. I pray daily for answers to my financial problems. I have a church family. Do you? This is one group of people that simply will not let me fall on my face. Other believers. You need them now. It's time to REACH OUT and ask for help. Talk to a pastor. Do you know that most churches have funds for people who run into your kind of financial hardships? Yes, they do! They don't advertise this, but they do. Let people help you, Max. Don't be ashamed of anything. You have done EVERYTHING in your power to be strong, courageous, self loving and capable. It's not your fault you are sick.
CFS is evil. Like you said, life was tough before CFS, but this disease, puts a halt on any chance we might have had to better ourselves. We need God. We need friends, that will actually step up and DO SOMETHING. Find a church. Make a phone call. See a doctor about your mental health and suicidal ideations. You cannot help this depression, and I agree...pills don't pay the bills.
Once you talk to someone. Someone who says I WILL HELP YOU GET STARTED....you will feel this HUGE burden begin to lift. You will want to stay here, Max. You just need to take the right steps now.
Find the pastor. Find the bankruptcy lawyer and do it right away.
I pray for grace and patience for you Max. The journey of a thousand steps begins with the one foot going in front of the other. You need to make your next step really count. You are worth it, Max!! Yes you are!!!
Praying for you. Here for you!! SO glad you journaled about how you are feeling. Let us help!!
When I lost my job due to my illness, we were down to one income again. It was hard but we made it okay. Then, my husband, Mike, died. I was down to no income & no life insurance because we had let that go thinking we would get it again in the future, Mike wanted to get the insurance again but I was adamant that we would be ok, not the case. I lived for 6 months on the money I received from my family, they were really generous but I couldn't expect them to support me forever, at the time I was in mourning, my depression had hit very hard & I had crashed with the CFS. I didn't care for quite a while what was going to happen. My daughter, Misty, moved in so I wouldn't be alone & ended up making my house payments when the money ran out. I sold one of my city lots to my neighbor, it was the lot that my husband's vegetable garden was on & my fruit trees. I lived on that for a while. I got my anti-depressant upped & started to do the paperwork for disability. Once I got it in, I did it on the computer, it took 6 months & I got it. A lot of prayers were answered but I had done the things I needed to do to get it. I had done a lot of testing in the past & documented it all. I got my records from my Dr's. Some I had to pay for, some I didn't. If you need to check yourself into a hospital, do it. My ex-husband has received disability because of his bi-polar diagnosis, go after it.
You are not at the end, there is still a lot you can do. The back pay I received helped me to pay things off so I could live within my means. I, also, received my husband's SS benefits for spousal support. If you have to get a lawyer for your disability, that is an option but I did it on my own so I didn't have to pay anyone. Just do what is right for you.
You can do this, you will be fine. I know how hard it would be to have to sell your home but if that is your only option, then do it. I think I would keep that as a last resort & then look into retirement homes or something like that.
Hang in there Max, we are here for you. I am glad you reached out to us & I hope you find some help in the responses. Please keep us posted, many gentle hugs, Denise
Disability payments amount to about US$40 per month. The cab fare to the disability office is just about that amount. I don't qualify for public assistance.
My home is huge with tons of space for rental. But my home is incomplete. It wont rent, it wont sell (I have actually listed it so this is the feedback from my realtor). And the irony is it is pretty close to completion. But that last 10% can make it or break it. And right now its broken.
I researched the bankruptcy options and it seems it would help with respect to my credit card debt which is compounding with an APR of 50% per annum. However I would still lose my home.
My immediate challenge is to figure out how to generate income. My mind still works relatively well, writing and public speaking are my gifts. I can even work provided that i can do it from home. I've had some meetings recently and have an agreement with a consulting firm to outsource for them. But they are waiting on a contract, so until one comes in...
I've been looking into ways to make money online, it's an overwhelming amount of information though and so many scams...
I think I'm going to dig in for the next few weeks and try my best to pray. Please form a circle of prayer around me. This is the time for that miracle...
I can't say who but someone very close to me has worked for them from home for 4 yrs now and makes real money doing it. It is not a pyramid, it's a real job. They have a very tough entry testing system (I am a member of US Mensa and I failed it- because I am not social network friendly and it has mostly to do with that).
Worth a try.... you can work from home on your own time. They hire world wide.
https://www.leapforceathome.com/qrp/public/jobs/list;jsessionid=F5E9FC9BBE1345B75307356EF33E6D87
This is why I am taking it to God in your behalf, Max. He, alone can see you through. Chin up, girl!!! Keep pushing forward. I'll keep praying!! xo
Also look for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints - (Mormons) They have volunteer employment specialist that may be able to help you. You don't have to be a member for that help. Or help point you in a direction helpful to you. Also are their and Women's services organizations that might could help. We had to do Bankruptcy and kept our home and what we had in it thankfully. I understand the scary of that but it worked ok.
Keep living!!!!!
I often think we didn't look at every option and maybe we should have tried harder to keep our beautiful home.I don't know how high your mortgage is and I'm wondering what the possibility of sharing is.How many rooms or spaces could you rent out to cover your mortgage. It would just be temporarily band aiding your immediate crisis. Is that a possibility ?.I understand that inviting strangers in to your home is a huge risk. However you need money and fast.Also they would have to be there on a trial basis.
Whatever the outcome is with all of this extremely difficult situation my friend, suicide is certainly not the way to go for any reason . You are my Jamaican warrior sister. Dont make any haste decisions.Love to you xo
I used to have a business that served three counties, I have three college degrees, and I'm constantly on the edge of financial ruin every day now. I've tried to find a way to earn money, I really have. But I don't have either the stamina or the mental sharpness to get out there and compete with people who don't have my disabilities.
Right now I'm growing a lot of my own food in what used to be lawn space around the house, I have no hot water, no washing machine, no A/C. And most of the plumbing in the house doesn't work. The fixtures are all rotting out from the minerals in the well water. I don't have enough cash to pay the impact fee to hook up to city water. I have no cell phone, no cable TV.
I leave the house to buy a few groceries about once a month now.
Nobody helps us, nobody. We could crawl away in a corner and die, society does...not...care. All the talk of "safety nets" are lies, anyone who has hit rock bottom knows this. They tell me I'm "not eligible" and sneer at me. My nephews are doing well for themselves, but they won't have anything to do with me. I guess I'm too "needy", though I've never asked for their help. They wouldn't help their grandfather when he was dying, so I don't even ask. They know I'm very ill.
I feel like a stray dog who's old and sick...nobody wants him around because he might have something "catching". Don't give him food, you'll only encourage him to hang around.