Hi,

I had a small pocket of energy so I did some cleaning. I had not been able since December. I tried to use creative thinking. I mopped my kitchen floor as I sat in my rolling office chair. I climbed stairs to change the air filter & get a lighter comforter for my bed. And I prayed with every step to be safe and go slow. I had to unclog a drain, clean an oven spill, bring a pole fan in from the garage, (my ceiling fan is making a high pitched noise only the chronically ill or dogs can hear!) I did well, but I did too much...won't bore you w/any more cleaning details. I tried to work smart and not hard.

The crash and the resulting PEM have left me in a hurting place. I've found myself in tears the last 2 days. It has been a good while since I found myself this emotional.

I had to do follow up on an important matter impacting my home. Messages left last week had not been returned. It led to a flurry of phone calls, misinformation and general frustration. I had to talk to a financial person (on a separate matter) that brought more frustration to the table. Today I had an interview with a nurse. I got off the phone, felt that emotion building the entire time. The urge to cry was bigger than me.

Questions at the end of the interview were, "So do you feel that the Chronic Fatigue or the Fibromyalgia is what impacts you the most or is it the degenerative disc disease, the ankylosing spondilitis in your lower back or the bulging discs in your neck or the osteoarthritis in your...? Or is it the....x, or y or z disease? In that moment I felt so small, do defeated, so sad....

They are reasonable questions, but when I speak to a healthy person about the small world I am in, what impacts my body.... have these same interviews over and over I feel demoralized. I feel like an old beat up car that needs to be junked & towed away.

I had a bit of a weep and stared off into space.

It was not all negative, but it was really hard. I called my bank. They told me that I could have the document notarized through the drive through window (save some steps). In the middle of that I had a call from the people working on my SSA application. They need stuff back asap, anyone over the age of 18 can act as witness.

It sounds so reasonable, but I live with deer, birds, squirrels, bugs outside and one small cat inside. None of them qualify to sign. I'm discombobulated & nothing is easy on the task list.

I am grateful for what I can do, what I get to do...I am grateful because complaining is a luxury. I need to always keep that in perspective. I'm worn down, in pain. I need to give myself comfort, care but I feel like a mean old angry bear. I overdid it. The outside world needed me to get off the stick and do these tasks. I am grateful for the help they provide, it will help me to live, have a home, a more manageable budget.

It is not bigger than me, it just FEELS that way. I need to give myself props for managing as well as I did. I need to allow myself 2 days in bed and forget everything else. I have many blessings. I'm just so sad today...so for today I'll be ok with sadness. It is not going to be my modus operandi forever and always.

Hugs & care for letting me vent and share...