There are so many moments we just have to let things go. During the holidays at one family gathering, lottery tickets were placed under each plate. I mentioned that I thought about getting some as stocking stuffers, but was so confused with all the choices they have. At least that is what I think I said...... The next thing I know one family member defensively states that the lottery tickets are meant to be fun. Another carefully explains to me that these funds go towards educational needs in our state. I thought the tickets were fun and I know how the funds are used. What happened? I feel so confused. I fall silent.

So then we talk about the wonderful music at a service we attended earlier. A family member says that music isn't really unnecessary, that more teaching from the word is what is needed and most fundamental. A discussion ensues.....the one who is very engaged in the music program vs. the one who finds it frivolous. I said that music is so amazing to me, I feel closer to God, how it lifts me up. I feel so connected to life/other people because of music ----- how truly amazing it is. Oddly I am fighting tears, they have come out of nowhere.....

And that is when I get the look from others --- the table falls silent.....I know they again see me as odd somehow and I say nothing more.

Later I am now beyond exhausted and my son wants me to make a decision (about a meeting time for another event). I am so out of it, I try to stand, too dizzy, sit back down abruptly. He presses for a decision. More discussion between other members about their own schedules ensue and I'm to filter it all.....and make a best decision NOW. I state a time. A family member makes sarcastic remarks......"Wow, all that to make such a simple decision......really? Wow......a decision was actually made...." I make it to my feet and go to the next room, tears slide down my cheeks.

I am a bright woman with challenges, exhaustion, pain, brain fog and do so much to stay positive, do my best, keep my spirit in a good place. No one likes to be made fun of. No one wishes this burden on anyone else. They are all bright well educated individuals at this gathering. Someone comes in to say that people are too caught up in their own lives to show compassion. Then adds that I should not really expect it.

I can't educate everyone. I have tried much harder with those who are within my family circle. I continue to have hope that by slowly sharing my story, by living with as much grace as I can muster, they will learn more, they will have a better understanding. That patience (with me) will come.....that they will shore me up. I can't always go and do ---- it makes me so happy when I can......compassion is key for us and so draining when it is in short supply. My faith is stronger than what they say......still wounds when it happens.....it is a continuing process of letting it go......so often it leads me back to a safe place of self-isolation at home.

I had a very special Christmas this year.....the first time I had decorated a tree in five years......I have a lot of blessings to count, so much goodness in my life.....that is my primary focus. People are tougher for me than some of the other challenges I face. So glad for DS.....so very very glad.