Oh Lord! Brings back memories that I'd rather not relive. I cannot give advice because I do not feel qualified! But I'll share my story and you can decide whether it has any value to you.

Like you, I am a Type A, a former IT professional and expected much more out of my son. He did better when I was actively engaged and working with him on his homework, but like you, I did not have the time nor energy (nor even felt that I should) to work with him on a regular basis.

He started skipping high school. Once I found out, he officially dropped out. (He also started slipping out during the night and I called the police on him.) I took him to his physician for a medical check up and then to a psychologist. He was put on Prozac, which neither of us were too happy about, but I felt we had to do something - anything! To say that I was desperate is an under-statement!

I resorted to tough love and told him that he had better have his bags packed when he turned 18 because I was not going to support a low-life loser. Those words cut him deeply and I feel bad about it to this day.

Eventually, he went back to school and struggled with anxiety. He got straight A's just to prove that he could. When he realized that he had fallen so far behind that he could not graduate with this friends, he started skipping all classes except the one that he enjoyed in Biotech. On his own initiative, he got his GED and enrolled in the community college's Biotech program. During his studies, he did an internship and decided that it wasn't the right career path for him, which he didn't share with me until he made other plans.

He wanted to follow his friend who moved out of state to go to college. He had even found himself an apartment. Since his friend was a straight-A student whom I liked very much, I agreed to support him. He majored in music. I was not happy about that at all, but at least he was going to college!

In the end, he got his bachelor's degree with a major in Economics and a minor in Finance and Banking. His grades were barely passing, but today he is happy and self-sufficient and in the end, I realized, "What more could a mother want for her child?"

I still think being a parent is the hardest job I ever had. I wanted what I thought was best for him (I now realize that college is not for everyone), but I had little control over it. My sister asked how I dealt with him dropping out of school. I told her that that at first, I felt like a failure, but then I came to realize that when they are small children, if you see them about to step off a cliff, you can physically pick them up and keep them from falling; but at some point, the best you can do is to tell them that you see a cliff ahead and be ready to pick up the pieces if they fall.

I'm not sure if that was helpful or scared you even more, but that is the short version of what happened.

I would like to point out something that I also told a friend of mine. You are not obligated to pay for your kids' college education. I am a big fan of financial advisor, Suzie Orman, who said, "The best gift you can give your children... I wrongly thought she'd say a college eduction... is a financially secure retirement, so you are not a financial burden on your children when you can no longer work for a living. It makes perfect sense to me!

Good luck. I wish you and your son all the best!

Warning my brain is foggy. This may or may not make sense. Tough topic. We, my wife and I, are just finishing raising seven children through high school. The youngest is taking mostly college courses this year. I don't feel qualified to help you.

So many things I would like to do over. I didn't understand so much. This is what I've got. Make sure, always, that he knows you love him. Sometimes people get a chronic illness. We need support. Sometimes kids get a form of chronic failure. They are failing to meet what we, by many logical or emotional reasons think they need to accomplish. They need our support. It's tough. So is supporting us with our chronic illness.

Sometimes things work out and we get better. Sometimes things work out for kids with chronic failure. Sometimes they don't. We do what we can. I don't know about your support system, but for me, after I came down with CFS, it reached the point where I didn't have what was necessary in the way of energy to fill my part without help.

My sweet wife has done what she could, but she is wired different from me. She didn't really want seven kids. Sometimes I think I should've listened to her. Then again we love all of them.

Now back to your situation. It sounds like you've put all the pressure you can onto your child. Maybe try another option. Take him to a homeless shelter. find the type of work he will be qualified for if he doesn't do well in school and expose him to it. Take him on a tour of some colleges he might be interested in. You see the future. Let him see the future.

Search the internet with him for interesting stuff. If you can help him to find a reason to work at his studying it will be less you forcing him and more helping him. Good luck. I'm still trying to figure out what to do and I'm out of time.

I raised two daughters alone when their Dad left (we were both horribly young, marriage was a mistake). Both girls attended college, both have Master's degrees, the eldest is what we used to call a Librarian but is now called a Media Specialist. The younger has a degree in business to fall back on, but is currently a stay at home mom (hubby makes good money) and she works part time from home online for G**gle. (she actually needed the Masters for that!) Not that any of that means I have cred to speak to your situation, just saying I have been there done that.
I think this is the most telling sentence in your post:
"We are both type A and just do not work well together".
Then, don't try to teach him yourself. Is there a friend or a colleague you know who might tutor him, perhaps in exchange for your tutoring their child?
Ah, preteen...This is when kids start (and only start) to pull away. They want to do things their own way. While I'm a huge proponent of tough love, I feel that talking about what's going on in their lives is even more important. Are things slipping because it's not "cool" to be smart? Does he maybe not want to be labeled a nerd or whatever they call it these days? Some kids purposely get bad grades to fit in with a particular group.
He sounds like he could have great potential.
Talk to him in a different way - say, "Hey, I know you're really young for this yet but I'm wondering if you have an idea how you plan to support yourself when you hit 18 yrs old?" If he throws out something like "I don't know"...then remind him it's only 6 yrs away and the next 6 yrs of his life are all building up to the kind of life he will have going forward for the rest of his life. Tell him you'll take him to job fairs, sit and research careers with him and you'll help him, along with a counselor, to plan a path towards a great future where he can have a happy life with a cool job he likes and be able to afford to get new stuff and take trips, etc.
I know 12 sounds young for all this but it's really not. This is his formative time. If you are just forcing him to get A's, it's really not teaching him to reach for the stars, just to resent you. He has to WANT it, or it will be a constant fight and he'll just get worse instead of better. While of course you have to maintain leadership and be his parent; this is when you become a bit of a team in planning his future. If you can help him figure out what he at least thinks he might want to be "when he grows up", you can put that up there as a goal place and help him see that all he does now will lead him there.... or not. And if not, what that means. A life with min wage work, no nice cars, electronics, house, etc.
When my girls started straying off path, I'd sit them down and remind them that I was going to let them make their own mistakes within limits but that it was THEIR future they were messing with, not mine. I told them that the decisions they made could easily affect their entire lives ( like an unplanned pregnancy) and that I was going to support them but at 18(end of high school) they had two choices. Go to college with as much support as I could give them and set themselves up for a pleasant life; or go work full time with their hs diploma and pay me rent, buy their own food and car expenses, etc. Then when it got really bad at that classic age of about 15 I sat them down with a budget stating what they wanted from life would literally cost, and showed them how much realistically they had to make to keep themselves in the custom they desired. When they saw the numbers, they freaked. They knew that unless they buckled down they were screwed. Both had jobs the summer they were 15, got second hand cars with some help for a down payment, checking accts, paid their own payments, insurance, repairs, upkeep. If they messed it up, and I had to pay for something, they lost the car until they paid me back. Reality. Taught first at home.
Bottom line, I really feel you can't demand learning. You can demand him sitting and pretending, and engender resentment... or you can help him understand WHY you care what his grades are...you can become a team, with you in charge of course, but still a team.... good luck, teens are the biggest challenge of your life.... Oh, also wanted to say if he's bored, talk to his teachers... they may be able to shed light on what's up.

Walker and Nina... I could have used your words of wisdom when my son was growing up!

Hoo boy. First, let me say I am a (semi-reformed eh hem) Type A myself and my son is almost 12 and his personality mixed with mine also makes it hard for me to teach him things.

I also feel sad about my lacking in inspiring him to want to learn new things and my lacking in getting really involved in his projects etc.

So, I feel like I am right in there with you.

I agree that it IS fair to put this responsibility on boys this age. It isn't wrong to expect As, if he is capable, and he is, but it is so much easier if they are inspired to do it. And they can nag themselves instead of waiting for us to nag them.

I wish I had a perfect answer for that, but all I can share is to consider getting creative with motivation/rewards and finding new ways to inspire him.

I know this takes energy, and we are in short supply!

Some things that have worked/helped us:

Having a heart to heart talk with him about how he needs to do his part in life, as a part of the family. Participate in life. Clear his dishes, offer to help, be involved. I tell my son that these sound boring, but surely can prevent him from growing up and behaving in a way that makes others think his acts like a jerk. Of sorts.

Writing specifics on a chore chart. Such as:
1. show mom extra credit assignments each week
2. show mom completed assignments to earn gametime
3. set actual timer, read 15 minutes of school book
4. set timer, read 15 minutes of fun chapter book
5. THEN, your computer time begins.

Sometimes seeing it on paper is much much more agreeable to 12yo boys.

You could resort (as I'm sure you have thought of as an IT person) to changing wifi passwords, and not sharing them until you SEE the completed homework, but I realize how tiring all of that can be when you already have zero energy.

Sometimes my son brings me the homework and my reading glasses and a pen to sign off when I have crashed on the couch for the evening, unable to move after a long day.

I've known many parents who have given up this battle and just said "absolutely no internet or gaming time Mon-Thursday" to make it easier on themselves. I am about there myself!