I've spent a lot of time thinking about suicide. I doubt if there are any of us here who haven't given the concept some serious consideration.

I have to say that I gave up going to doctors for my ME/CFS symptoms years and years ago. It does absolutely no good whatsoever in my opinion. All they did was figure out ways to chisel money out of me by treating my symptoms as separate illnesses they needed to find out reasons for. I only go in for skin cancer and broken bones for x-rays, things like that.

Really, I've done a lot better without "medical care" for my ME/CFS. What they were doing was making me much worse...and more impoverished financially.

I am so glad, Richie, that you have rejected the idea of suicide...and knuffles, I am just so sorry that this is how you feel. I dont have this disease...though only a taste of it years ago.....a very little...but that made me realise how damaging it can be and how frustrating to be so bound to it. I just do hope these thoughts you have dont come to take action, I really do, please keep coming in here ~~~ we have not all gone through what you are going through, but certainly in my life, there are times I have been too exhausted that I have felt that I just want to go to sleep and not wake up. But I have woken up and life is good, I do hope very much that a corner is turned for you....lots of ((((HUGS)))) Cathrynn xx

knuffles...I don't know how long you've had CFS? When I first got it I was sooo sick and had suicidal ideations. I had a counselor who had CFS for some time. She asked me..."would you still want to kill yourself if you knew you would be well in 5 years"?

So I didn't kill myself...it takes a lot of bravery to do that, plus planning and physical activity....I couldn't get it together.

A couple years later a wonderful man came out of nowhere and wanted to marry me and we got married. I never would have expected this in my early days with CFS.

Also my CFS gradually got better than the early days...I'm not well, but with pacing I am able to live a good life.

You just never know what will happen. I personally would stick with the journey of your life just to see what happens.

I've been taking doxepin (Sinequan) for sleep, but it is also an old fashioned antidepressant. I found it made me feel much less depressed, I didn't even know I was depressed, but after being on this med I realized I'd been depressed most of my life.

You just never know...there could be a cure, or anything could happen.

Hollie

I've thought about suicide long enough to decide that most methods there is a chance I would live through it and be far worse off (like paralyzed, only able to eat through a tube, or simply the joy of having my stomach pumped). The rest that seemed to be certain death involve horendous pain or are very gruesome. I don't want to be worse off, go through terrible pain, or leave a horrific death scene for someone to find so they can be scarred for life.

And...I have also come to a similar conclusion to Hollie's I don't want to risk missing out on potentially good stuff...even if it's hard to imagine that could happen.

But my biggest reason for not doing it is that I have kids. At one point I remember feeling cheated because I feel like having kids means I can't do that. Because if I do there is a greater chance that they will follow suit. And in some ways they will need me in the future. If I'm gone, their kids will be short a grandma. So that's good reason and all, but sometimes it makes me a little mad...it doesn't have to all make sense, right?

I am with Richie about doctors not helping much. I found it great to find out what nutrients I am short in. The vitamin B shots did make a difference while I could afford to have them...and for 6 months after. But that is about it.

Pacing by far works best for me....and costs not a $. Positive social interaction can help, even if it is short. Laughing helps. Sounds silly but really these all lessen the severity of the fatigue.

When I was still working it took a toll on me that got worse over time. I started making rules to get me through it. Like do nothing on Sundays. And force myself to get out and do something on Friday or Saturday...movie, out to eat, play a board game at a local group, to a park...whatever I could manage. Preferably with people, and always with the understanding that I have to walk slower and may have to cut it short if I start feeling worse.

Sometimes when I am getting pretty good at pacing and haven't had too many things I have had to do that make me feel worse, I have a little uptrend. I won't be cured, but I will feel better and for longer periods of time. Like tired instead of completely exhausted. When I am in these uptrends I am more likely to reach out to people...or simply be happy even if alone. There is something about doing worse to make us feel worse.

I think about that stuff too, as in the actual mechanics of killing myself in a way that would be 99% sure to work. It's gross and I don't want my family to see that. I get so frustrated when people call it the "easy" way out. I also get angry with our government because they won't allow the effective and peaceful means of suicide to be used. Being sick really makes you think about all the people who suffer around the world who deserve them.
Thank you all for your honest and thoughtful answers. I thought I was just going to get a bunch of default answers like "don't do it," "it's the easy way out," "think of what it will do to those around you," and of course "you're going to hell." Sounds like we all understand we're not crazy. Thanks.

I've thought about suicide too. Seriously. I even joined Compassion & Choices which advocates for dignified death for those with terminal illness. I believe very strongly that we ought to have a choice when there is nothing more to live for. But I also feel as strongly that the decsion must be made with as much self awareness and consciousness as possible. A few years ago I was wondering how much longer I could do this CFS dance, then I tried a few new things and feel better enough most days to not be in that place. This is an incredibly difficult journey. My love and respect to all of us on it.

I don't think CFS is considered a terminal illness because it generally doesn't kill you. I always thought that was the bitch of it, really. I don't think people have as much respect for euthanasia when the disease doesn't even kill you. Many of us would probably be considered too young even if euthanasia were legalized in certain conditions. I personally feel quality of life is everything.

That guy who wrote The Peaceful Pill Handbook made an interesting point, that if we were allowed to keep the drug that would end our lives peacefully in our medicine cabinate, we could stop thinking about it so much until the day came when we really needed it. I thought it was a great point because I know I am always thinking about it, mostly because I'm trying to prepare myself for a day when I may need to do it by brutal means, but that also adds to depression. I'm not ready to yet though. I want to give life my best shot until all hope is lost. The author believed it should only be available to those over 65 though, as if they're the only ones who get sick.

True, CFS isn't considered a terminal illness - it only feels likeit! :) Some of us do have complications though that could put us in that camp someday and it would be nice to have the choice of a dignified death, like in Oregon & a few other places. I know I'm stepping into political territory here - people have very strong opinions along these lines, so as a disclaimer I will say this is only how I feel.

The first few years I got sick I thought about suicide a lot---not the actual doing of it, just the idea of being released from a painful body. Over the last 16 years, Ive wished almost daily that this journey would be over, mainly because carrying my body around with so little life force in it is actually painful. And when I think about the fact that I may never be well enough to find a mate, or work again, etc, that doesnt help. But, as a few others have pointed out, you never know whats around the corner.

Bottom line for me, though, is that I dont think theres any way I could harm myself. I also feel like my path is to let this life play out till the end. Still, I totally agree with Lynx that people should have the option of a dignified death if the pain, immobility or whatever else becomes too much to bear.

Its a good topic. Thanks for starting the conversation.

What bothers me the most is when something helps for awhile, I mean helps u get up in the morning and actually get out the door and do something...anything...even if ifs just for an hour or so. Then for some reason, it doesn't work anymore and that small burst of energy quickly dissipates and you feel shaky and have to get home fast. Or, I get a phone call from a so-called friend who asks me a really personal, dumb question, and I just have to explain something that should be really easy to understand to someone who doesn't 'get it.' I keep praying to just wake up and be the person I used to be many years ago- energetic, hard working, went out with friends, just had fun and enjoyed life. I slept straight thru the night then, instead of being awake and typing this comment at 5 o clock in the morning. Guess I'll put my CPAP mask on and try to get some sleep.

I've had so many treatments that work for about a day and then stop. First time I tried an enema, I thought I was cured for sure. The next morning I felt all my symptoms coming back. That treatment never worked again. I don't think I'll ever feel that alive again.

Just goes to show it's psychological though.

Hey there, I'd like to add onto what you said about it being psychological. I believe this is true for some, though it isn't true for all who have CFS. One thing that has been heavily studied is the effects of trauma and stress on the immune system. This can lead to CFS for many people. The root issue of CFS is immune suppression which leads to a lot of imbalances within the body. From gut issues, vitamin deficiencies, thyroid issues, infections, and the list goes on. Your body basically just isn't functioning how it's supposed to. Although as someone who also has struggled with this illness for a long time, I can tell you the worst thing to do it give up. I thought I'd tried it all and completely lost hope and started basically trying to party myself into a coma. I understand how easy it is to be so upset about having this syndrome and lose all hope. You think there can't possibly be a cure or anything wrong that is causing the symptoms, it feels like a ghost illness. I promise you though, it isn't. For you, I hope that you seek treatment for some of the traumas that may be bringing you down and making things worse. You should also find a doctor who understands CFS, osteopathic physicians are great, as well as naturopaths. For me, I see an osteopathic physician who specializes in CFS. He lives near where I live in California. There are doctors for CFS everywhere, and mine even has an in house psychologist for a lot of other psychological issues that either cause or are caused by the CFS. Please don't give up, I promise there is always hope.

Also, I don't know if you gave an enema to yourself or not, but I wouldn't recommend doing them if you don't know the proper way, it can do more harm than good. It also isn't really a cure, it would just be a compliment to a complete health regime. In my opinion. I've spent almost a year on vitamins, antibiotics, probiotics, antifungals, and have made huge changes in my diet. I eat about a pound of green vegetables every day. It's definitely not one thing that will help, it's many, and it takes quite a while. You should also look into EFT as well as meditation. I find they compliment everything quite well and keep me in a positive state so I stick to the program.

Assisted suicide/ death with dignity should be legal in every state and country. I've known people that should have died in more peaceful ways, but the option wasn't there. Great topic, thank you. Ever seen the film Whose life is it anyway? Very good.