Hi,

Like many here, I was led to The Spoon Theory on the youdon'tlooksick website as a wonderful way to explain chronic illness to others. Although the author has lupus, the explanation crosses over well to many chronic conditions.

Last night I was at a family gathering for my daughter's birthday. It was a casual affair at a pizza place. My daughter's in-laws are lovely people, but do not understand what is wrong with me. We have known each other now for several years. They are kind, but just don't get it. They think that when it comes to the physical body, it is mind over matter, take supplements, eat right, rest well, exercise...and one will be healthy.

They understand things like broken bones, flu and so on, but my conditions just shut them down. Last night the in-law hubby, asked me how I was getting on. I've learned to be brief, say things like "I'm fine...and you?"

Last night he seemed more open to listening. The others were playing in the game room and we had a stack of clear plastic forks resting on the table lined up for the cake we were going to share in a bit.

I applied the spoon theory to those plastic forks. I gave him 12. I said with chronic illness you have limited energy because of pain & fatigue. When you wake up you get 12 forks a day. You have to use them wisely, because once they are gone, they are gone.

He took the challenge, liked the idea I think. So he talked about his waking up and the things he did to start off each day. He rises, showers, shaves, other simple grooming things, gets dressed, takes the dog for a walk, makes coffee, makes breakfast, eats, does simple house chores, reviews his schedule, reads the paper, watches the morning show...and so on and so on.

So as he talked I took away forks from his pile. By the time he was leaving the house he had no more forks. He wanted to know why? Why had I taken all his forks away? He said I've barely begun my day, I have a lot to do.

So I broke it down with a gentle smile. He had to relinquish a fork with each task he had performed since he rose. He tried to negotiate to get some of his forks back. Then he tried to negotiate a plan to get more forks. I said that is how it is for people with chronic illness. We have to choose very carefully how we use our small supply of forks. Again, once they are gone, they are gone.

I explained that in order for me to come to this party, I had to plan in advance in order to be able to attend. On this day, I had to nap for several hours, then allow several hours to shake off the fog. I slowly got ready to go. I had to stop and rest with each task. Shower, rest. Dry my hair, rest. Choose clothes, lay out on bed...rest. Put them on, rest.

So now he understood that there was an added complexity, each fork required rest. He said it is like you have to be in time out every time you do stuff. I said if you opt to do too much or go beyond your fork supply the pain/fatigue levels dial up dramatically. Rest is key, knowing how many steps you have in a day is important. During a flare, you have 1-3 forks...that is all. I saw light bulbs go off several times during this talk.

It is hard for healthy people with limited knowledge to understand. It is hard for ill people with limited energy to explain. But I think he has a glimmer now of how chronic illness impacts a person. On the way home, I was chuckling remembering him trying to negotiate his fork supply....blessings all!