Sorry -- mistyping. Son lived at home while going to college. Seemed ok with that b/c most of his friends lived at home as well.

whymom, I'm so sorry your post got deleted and so glad you didnt let that stop you from posting again. (hugs)
I know my husband is like that too, and does not like hearing me cry over our boy either. Men are more cut and dried and think if there's nothing we can do about it then just dont think about it. I"m glad you are here so we can love and support you.
(hugs)

Hi Whymom, My ex was the same way, he did not like it when I would get upset and cry over our boys..... Men just are not as emotional as women....

I am also happy you are here.... We all offer each other lots of love and support..... {{hugs}}

Whymom, I am sorry you are hurting. What you are describing is not quite estrangement, but if you are not careful it can quickly turn to estrangement. What we tell you here is not to harm you, but to try to help you and maybe prevent you from ending up where we are… not hearing from our children from one year to the next, being lied about, being told to never contact them again… etc.

Your son is simply wanting to become his own man, nothing more than that. Let him do his thing. Contact him once every two weeks or something just to say hi, how's it going. Don't expect him to be around as much as he was. Although you remained home until you were married, most of us didn't. I moved out when I was 17 years old (I had a job and needed to be closer to it).

You should feel blessed that your son wants to gain his independence. It's a very healthy sign. I beg of you not to try to hold him too close or he will be pushed away and you will be here a year from now asking why your son hasn't spoken to you in six months (or whatever time frame).

Not trying to be harsh. I haven't had a conversation with my son in almost 2 years. I don't see my three grandchildren. Please, tread lightly with him.

Canadian Mom:

I guess part of my problem is just how he handled the move. It made me feel estranged from him because he did all of this behind my back. Yes, he's an adult but the move changed the structure of our family and how we do communicate with each other. And why do they have to develop their independence wtihout even talking to you? Just seems like they are permitted to abandon us, but we can't abandon them? A double standard???

I'm hurting because I feel abandoned, not included, left behind after years of daily attention to his needs. So, it's just ok for him not to have any consideration for our needs?

What i want/need is some confirmation that we still matter to him. Is that honestly too much?

It is difficult when our adult children (even those not estranged) move out on their own. My experience with sons who have is that the DH comes to terms with the afjustment a lot easier and quicker than we women do. It may be the way men are (less emotional and not maternal) or it may be the way they did it themselves. My DH left his home after college and started his career which never brought him living home again although he had a good relationship with his parents.

I hope your son stays in touch. They seem to want to be independent these days. As long as he responds when you text ( usually their choice of communication) or calls once a week or so it seems to be the way of young people (not estranged) these days. It seems our lives as mothers are full of adjusting. Doesn't it?

Yes, I can certainly understand why you would be hurt, whymom. Any of us mothers would be. Given that he is going for his masters, he must be old enough that he would naturally want to develop more independence. It does hurt, I'm not trying to imply it won't hurt. My concern is that you be careful not to push him away. Once that happens it is difficult to re-establish a relationship.

Men certainly are able to let go more easily. My husband has 3 daughters (it's our second marriage) and he doesn't feel the strain as much as I do when he has communication issues with them. We are wired differently for sure. It's meant to be that way. However, please as I said before, I beg of you to let your son go. Contacting him every couple of weeks is likely not too much, but don't make him feel badly that he doesn't spend as much time with you. Develop your own interests apart from him, make new friends, do whatever you need to do to fill that void. And when your are really hurting, ask God for comfort and strength. He does provide both in ample measure.

God bless you, whymom. Parenting is not easy. :-)

whymom - I totally understand. We have two ES. ES2 announced one day that he was moving out the next day. It felt like the worlds biggest insult and slap in the face. I had a major attack of "what the heck" and he called it off. But he spent the next few months making our lives miserable until we finally asked him to move out (for our safety). Our ES1 moved out a week before we moved to a different state. We offered him 1,000 times to move with us but he stayed. The following few visits with him he copped a major bratty attitude with us, seemingly wanting to push us away, we'd already moved??? We have no idea why he'd want to push us away further. We finally quit flying him out to see us because it was never pleasant. I've heard some people say that kids have to rebel and then they learn from it and come around. I don't agree with that for any kid that is calling themselves a Christian. We/they never "need" to rebel to learn a life lesson that they couldn't learn without rebelling. That is just time wasted and a bad testimony to onlookers and the unsaved.
I believe that when any child moves out they are full well capable of being gracious and kind to their parents in the process, most certainly if they are claiming to be serving the Lord. But if they are rude, what can you do about it? Just not tolerate it I think. We have cousins that are rude to their parents in their 70s - no thank you! I want a line drawn in the sand of life now that I don't need to be treated badly for doing my best to raise you for the rest of my life.
Our ES2 did not phone me ever after he moved out. He used to phone me every day if he was ever gone from home. I emailed, phoned him and asked DH to tell him to call me but he did not. It was terrible. He was certainly not serving the Lord and I just had to recognize that. In the past two years he has phone one time a year. Not right, not nice, but I know that we will see a difference when he gives his life back to the Lord. Waiting and praying for that.
Sorry to hear your son is doing this to you. Typical, but still not ok. Pray for wisdom. Hugs

Barbell:

Thanks for your reply. It is so nice that we have each other to understand since our men are so oblivious. If there is a girl we have no indications of it. He is sharing an apartment with two other guys -- one who is a previous student, now has a ful-time job, and another who is also a graduate student. They asked him to move in with them when they were changing apartment complexes. Why they decided to add a third person, I don't know. Perhaps he really asked them. I just feel so confused and so unneeded by him now. That is what is so hard to accept. How can you go from being a daily part of their lives and then it just seems like you are gone from their lives the next day and they never think of you again? I don't understand it. It just seems like you don't matter any more. I don't understand why it should have to be that way just for them to gain their independence. Can't they be independent and still show respect for the people who raised and nurtured them and put them in the position they are? Our son will owe NO money when he graduates. Until he got the assistanship we paid everything. Perhaps that seems like I expect something because it is owed to us. But that is also respect and honor as well. I know I need to pray for patience and a change in his heart just to realize what he means to us. I would like to feel that we mean something to him. Is that too much to expect?

I know it wasn't ideal the way he moved out. But I think CanadianMother offers some good advice here.

whymom, I agree with CanadianMother... you will feel so much better when you let go of your hurt in "how" he moved out or told you he was moving out. Maybe he knew it would be a response such as this and dreaded it? If you make him feel guilty, nag him, or force a relationship on your son, he will distance himself even further. Why would he keep in touch if he knows it's going to be miserable for him?

It is so hard when our children don't need us anymore. I would give anything for my ES to have a college degree and be pursuing a career, genuine independence and hard work. He sounds like an awesome kid- you have done a great job raising him...What a blessing! Please accept this and go on. Why not tell your son how proud you are of him when he texts or calls next time? Every one loves hearing that from their parents.

Try to fill your mind/ time with other interests to get your mind off your son and to fill your days with joy and purpose. And don't forget to love on your husband. Our spouses will be in our daily lives a lot more than our kids will as they get older and you want to keep that relationship strong.

Hang in there!
hugs :)

Whymom, I want to echo what Canadianmother said, we each in our own unique ways here always have the motive first of "helping, encouraging, healing, ect.." when we post. So I say this to you as a mother of 3 sons and a mother who's been there done that and see the mistakes I made that allowed satan to turn them into Estrangement between me and my son's and am offering my experiences in hopes you can benefit from seeing my errors and not make them to the point of estrangement. YOU ARE AT A CRITICAL TIME IN YOUR SON'S LIFE RIGHT NOW!!! I can't stress that enough, which is why I capped it!! And your husband is right, when your son get's married, we mother's are replaced by a wife, never again will we be the "first woman" in their life. But if we are wise, we can still be their "mother" if we learn that they need us to learn a different way to "mother" them. I did not learn and I lost mine.

Now I understand what the Lord meant in this verse: Eph 5:33 Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband. Now don't think I am confused....yes I know this verse is about the husband and wife relationship, but there is a secret in there about "all men" and what they need from us women...."reverence"...or in the case of grown son's...."a cheerleader!!" I made a huge mistake and let my son's see my disappointment in them and then I did what I always did "I mothered" grown sons!! Now this was not my only mistake, but I think it was the foundation of my problems with them that severed the heart strings they had with me and allowed my "insecure" daughter-in-laws to brainwash my sons into believing that I did not love them! If I ever get another chance with my sons, I am going to be their biggest encourager and supporter!!!

And when our sons are filled with anger at us, satan just fans the flames of anger so hot that our son's forget what we mean to them. It's still there, just buried! I know in my own heart, that I have been in the same place many times in the past with loved ones...I let my anger at the hurt I felt toward them build to a point I could no longer feel the love....but God showed me in HIS word that "charity (love) never fails"...so it can not die either! A mother's love will never fail either!! Be encouraged Whymom, you are still in a good place with your son and there's still time to stop the devil from taking him from you!!

HUGS!!!

At some point, our children very much want their independence. We want to keep them close but that is not how they grow up and become their true selves. It is hard to understand but each does it in their own way. I agree with those above that contacting too often or voicing your disappointment will only push him further away. When I was in college at 19, I wanted to get married but didn't know how to tell my parents. I made arrangements to transfer schools and then my mother went through my pocketbook one weekend when I was home and found all my papers. We had quite a confrontation and I returned back to school that day. Eventually she had the wisdom to call and say that she wanted to help me plan the wedding. We were close ever after that. Our ES went into the Navy after HS although that would not have been our choice for him but knew that was what he wanted so totally supported him. He has made some very bad decisions throughout his 36 years here on earth but we have tried to be supportive and helped him. We even bought a duplex so that we could help with the GC (he is single custodial parent - long story) then he met this GF who decided she didn't have any use for us. They had a baby together who she wouldn't allow us to see. One morning we awoke to find that he and GC had moved out with no information and told told not to contact him. He blocked our phone, email and FB accts. We have no idea what happened except that GF didn't want us in their lives so he made his choice. We don't know where they are and miss him and our GC every single minute of every single day. However, because of other rude occurrences I have decided that I will determine my own fate with God in control. The point is, at some point or other, if we aren't careful with how much we cling to them, we will be estranged. So, let him grow and mature only contacting every couple of weeks with a cordial and loving message. Don't make it about you and how he has hurt you since that will cause an estrangement. Do hope you take our word for it, be careful and don't end up like us. Prayers and hugs

whyonlychild (hugs)

I do not try to contact him too often and I do not share my diasppointment with him at all. It is all kept within myself or with my husband. It just find that it is a very disappointing and disallusioning time that we are tossed aside. I did not do that with my parents and guess I was nieve to think things would be otherwise.