In the beginning of estrangement (4 years ago) I tried many avenues to connect with ED. It is normal to try. There is no right or wrong way as long as the Lord is leading you to to do it. Most of us have come to realize that friends and relatives that have not gone through estrangement with an adult child can not understand.

We want to fix things and show love but we come to realize that it takes two. Our EC have to want the relationship. Only God can change their hearts. We can pray they will listen to Him.

If estrangement is new, I would say to send a letter, after praying and without expectation of a response, would be good. God is in control. Estrangement is difficult. Jesus is with you. God bless you.

PS. Friends often mistakenly think in some way we must have caused the estrangement and ought to make it right. We know better.

i have had zero success doing that. well meaning friend may not realize this isnt a situation where families have a fuss, get mad for a while and then make up. You alone can decide if the letter would be a good idea and I have done it in the past. It can be a way to say whats on your heart......... A long term estrangement is another issue....no words, no matter how loving, will move a cold heart. God alone can do that. I last saw my daughter on....the day she married. We attended the simple ceremony and were kind to her dope addict new husband and I talked with him, wishing them the best and prayers for a wonderful future. I havent seen her since. I have received rambling hate filled emails . All sources for her to contact me are now blocked. I wont be abused by anyone.........

I have tried to reason with my son but to no avail. He is not interested and told me so. Just go away was the response. If you think anything of me you will leave me alone to get in with my life. What can you do after that..not a lot. It all happened over nothing! Didn't make any sense ..I didn't get invited to his first marriage ..now has a girlfriend who rules him. She is horrible... Has been nasty to me. How are they able to allow anyone to be so horrible to their own Mother. I would never have let anyone upset my Mother. No way

Quietmana hit the nail on the head. Most well meaning friends think that this is simply a fuss or a spat, or a misunderstanding that will clear up quickly. I have been semi estranged from my son for six years and totally for a year and a half. I actually had one of my really dear (Christian) friends say awhile back, "Oh, you mean "that thing" is still going on?" By "that thing" she meant the estrangement! They just think its over something stupid, but what they don't understand, even though I have tried many times to tell them, is that my son married a woman with mental problems, and that he has mental problems himself, so there is no misunderstanding. It's not like they forgot to make their bed one visit, or didn't compliment me on my cooking, or anything like that. This "thing" goes WAYYYY deep. And I even had one of them tell me that no woman would EVER come between them and their sons, as if this were my fault.

I certainly understand the confusion of trying to foresee how our EC might respond to our efforts to reach out to them. It's a difficult decision, since the prospect of rejection from our own child is painful. My ED came and went from my life at her whim for a few years, just prior to her vanishing, and avoiding any further contact with me. My efforts to communicate were unreciprocated, and finally, after much heartache, I stopped trying.

My experience is that people who have never dealt with estrangement themselves, can't understand why you as the parent can't fix this. Surely, if the EC just knew how much we love them, they'd come around ... Well, if only it were that simple!
My daughter called the police on me, with zero warning when she went silent for no apparent reason. When we went to check on her, she and her husband hid behind their closed front door and called the police stating we had 'harrassed them day and night.' It was a complete and total lie.
Many parents have had restraining orders taken out on them for simply sending a Christmas card to their adult child or posting something on their facebook or other social media.
So, I'd say, it depends on what your EC has said or made clear to you. Once they state they want zero contact, they often use laws and protections meant for 'stalkers' to keep their own parents away and cause the most possible injury to you.
Be careful, and just know that those who are not dealing with estrangement themselves, just don't and won't 'get it.' You are in the right place here... HUGS...

Yes we have tried so manytimes and i have been hurt,and abused emotionaly,mentaly.It will be calm then it will blow up,we confessed and we are ashamed to even say it to anyone we triedto buy there love and it was our fault.Itnever worked,tried talking,i made a book for them at Christmas wrote it in my handwriting of quotes,poems seemed to tug at there heart but didnt last. We have our wall up at all times now.I guess i have come to a saying "I love them one way,and i thought they would love me the sameway" but they dont. so now i am trying my very hardest to overcome,deal,and try tolive my life as calm as i can

I have had comments from friends like oh my son would never treat me like that. Oh I don't have disrespect from any of mine. I have lovely daughter in laws ..she is like a daughter to me. Our family are very close. They have no idea what it is like. So no point in explaining my situation to them after that is there. I am sure you can identify with this.

I did have an ED for 2 1/2 years. I did send her letters. They were desperate at first and then just sent 1 every few months. I knew she was sensitive and if she didn't hear from me she would think I had written her off. I wanted her to know she would be forgiven. It turns out she didn't get very many of those letters. God finally got a hold of her heart and changed it. There are no rules in estrangement. Do what God leads and mainly pray. Some may respond better to silence and some may respond to a letter.

I think in most cases it would take more than a letter. May work for some .

Yes, Ruth, exactly. What you said about the well meaning friends speaking of their lovely daughter in laws...The thing is, I have a daughter in law who I love too! And a son in law as well. This past weekend my entire family of husband, daughter, son in law, son, daughter in law, and other son, plus three grandkids all went camping. We all got along beautifully! So it isn't just me being "one of those mothers" who thinks no woman is good enough for her precious son. I WANTED another wonderful daughter in law! We are such loving, accepting people and our in laws love us and we love them. It is just a shame my son made this choice to be with someone who is mentally ill, and manipulating. They are all missing out on so much and it shouldn't be this way but it is their choice. They told us no contact and I had no idea there were legal ramifications to sending cards. He is a lawyer, too, so he probably would pursue it.

Thank you all for your experiences. It is so sad to me that so many of us are on this site, yet I am so thankful that I am not alone in this journey.

I personally do not think letters work, they just go back to their old ways. Especially when there is a DIL involved that loves drama and has mental issues like ours has. Both our EC were told what they were getting into and did it anyway wanting to try and 'show' us they were right. We been down that road a long time go, Everyone here is at a different stage in this "estrangement game" with all different issues going on.

Personally I think for sure 'silence is golden'. From what I have witnessed, lived and read about whenever a parent reaches out they are viewed as weak, needy and insecure by the EC. I really don't feel like I even know how to communicate or relate to these 'strangers' that I gave birth to so long ago. Our ED is 41 and ES is almost 45....if they aren't responsible adults now they never will be that is for sure.

I just saw on the Fox Channel an interview on TV with our son's boss Charles Koch...as in the "Koch brothers". He is a very down to earth person, and 'old school' wanting his employees to all be caring and he looks at the compassionate side of them when being hired....wants a group that are not puffed up, conceited and having values and integrity. I wonder what he would 'really' think of our son if I wrote him a letter telling him Our Story about the real side of this employee ??? I feel like doing that too.

So many of our stories are similiar. I have had the cops called on me when I went looking for her (she was at her then boyfriends apartment, drugged up and drinking). i have written loving sentiments, stories of the day she was born. her heart is hard and her mind is clouded with the substances she abuses. only God alone can change that. Most days I am "ok"....some days I wake up with a deep sense of something being wrong, almost like the days I woke up after my beloved parents had passed away...and it all crashes down on me. At this point i really have no idea what or where she is. i believe I know what city they (her and dope head husband) are in. That is about it. how do you keep hope, love and joy and faith alive after years of this? I dont know and do the best I know how to trust God and leave it in His hands

We can only persevere with the help of the Lord. We know this is sin and not the way God planned it to be.