OntheOuts - you make very good points, very good points. I remember someone telling me when my children were entering college "if you have only a small savings to use either for your child's college or your retirement, please use it for retirement because your children have many years to pay off their college loans." That has stuck with me and while we have helped our adult child who loves us occasionally, we have given nothing to our ES.

God wants us to share what we have with his less fortunate people. He didn't say our birth children.

The day our ED left home and treated us the terrible way she did all finances stopped. Period. Amen.

I remember one night last summer when my son came over to grille in our patio. We do have a time now and again, but it is always very strained. He noticed that we had planted bamboo on the fence area, and he said, "Oh no, when I get the house, I will have to pull out all that bamboo!"

I told him. "Please don't make this house your goal in life!" And I plan to let him know that we will probably need the equity for our care in the future.

The point is, he seems to already be planning for our demise.

Tikva it's strange that you are telling that story at this moment because just before I came on the forum I was checking out retirement account balance and the thought went through my head that we are doing our best to save for our old age but that our son and DIL will someday live high on the hog with it; even if we never see them again. He is our only child.

Tikva - your son's comment is not uncommon these days. I hear similar stories all the time from friends. While our one son who is very close to us has never ever said anything like that, I'm sure my DIL is thinking it. Our neighbors' son makes unbelievable nasty comments to his dad about how "he" wants his dad to remodel the house the way "he" wants it so when you die it will be perfect, etc. The entitlement thing has gone too far.

forgottenmomm- because of the entitlement thing, many of our friends say they are going to spend all their retirement funds so their children will not get anything. They can make their own way just as we did. I also have friends who are leaving inheritances to churches, nonprofits, other relatives. Our will is written that our ES gets nothing. And if we ever have a sane relationship with him again, we can always change our wills, but at this point ES and DIL will have a surprise when we pass.

Our ED will not benefit financially from us unless the estrangement ends and their is repentance. We must share what God has given is with those who have shown respect and needy causes. This is how DH and I feel.

Your title is the hope I find.
You realize you caved in. That to me is great news !

You hoped your son was someone that, at least right now, he is not.
You hoped something you could do or say would change him.
Didn't we all.

You are not a "bad person" and the reason it is a "bad thing" is that you exposed yourselves to pain sorrow and rejection that is a step backwards on your road to whatever better outcome your future holds.

At his age, I know you can only imagine the better outcome that restores a loving, honoring child to your life. Be aware that the better outcome may be, at some future time, getting past the horrific reality and violation resulting from such a primal level of rejection and moving on to a life filled with love and meaning despite such a huge hole ripped out of your future.

He's not really an adult. My best guess, if you'd like to be a non-member here in a decade, is to give him at least a couple of YEARS not days not weeks not months but YEARS of zero contact from you.

I don't know how that would wash out if he depends on you for education. That certainly complicates things, but I suppose instead of denying support you could put it "on hold" for two years and let him float his own boat. I also suppose, trying to think back to those years, you would feel too guilty and unloving to do that.

Sorry to ramble on with my thoughts. To finish where I started, I find hope in your insight into what went wrong and your ownership of it.