This estrangement stuff is so nasty and painful, can anything get any meaner?? Im so sorry for you both,, Whats this kids issue?? Whos paying the schooling anyways?? They seem to have no appreciation, and they are so detached I dont think it matters anymore if they get a gift at the holidays. They dont cherish it.. You did a kind and loving act, still respecting his space , but keeping your dignity and your husbands, and yet he still wasnt happy.. Im so sorry , I know that grief, you cant win and dont know which place to step where u arent crushing egg shells,, give your self some space now.. and him. maybe he will figure it out when hes lonely.... Its hurts but I decided to give myself space. and take care of me, the first in 8 yrs,, Im lonely, there is no family support, if I dropped dead , Id be found when they forclose on the house. , but at least I have some semblence of peace . no atagonism or attacks for doing a loving act.. huggs

How horrible soverysadmom! Im sorry that happened. It's just one thing right after another, isn't it? If they knew how bad they were hurting us, they might stop. Just wait until they become parents themselves, they will find out in a hurry!

I'm so sorry glazzbird that you are alone. Thank you for your encouragement. I have a husband but he doesn't understand a mother's perspective. The family we have left don't care and don't want to hear it. I'm glad I found this site but it is disturbing that so many of us have this problem. I would not have dreamed of treating my parents this way. Son is on financial aid, has a scholarship and has a part time job so he doesn't need our help much now. And he has a girlfriend who I believe is making him choose. I did help and still do help with all the paperwork that is needed to keep the scholarship and financial aid going and I don't mind. We still pay his medical and auto insurance and do want to help him get through college. But he doesn't care.

thank you gordos

wow ,, we just eat it dont we?? I wonder if he apprec the car ins. that isnt cheap. I have made a decision not to give my dau a car.. I have it in the driveway and have been paying it off as quick as i could hopefully by spring, which i dont think will fly... but had hoped to give to my dau, becuz i love her, and want to see her start out easier than me,,, she just doesnt apprec... I told her too, shed have to take over on the ins, she was not happy about that,,, however with her indifference to me and her pets still at home , despite my support,,, i have said enuf,,, so am keeping the vehicle, she had at one time told me her bf wanted a mustang anyways,,,, I drove a rust bucket in college and was grateful for that... I never wouldve treated my parents in this humiliating way...

I'm baffled about his behavior. It seem very erratic. Did he know that you were not going to see him without your DH or was that just an agreement with you and DH? Was his anger because he THOUGHT he would be seeing you and didn't?

Anyway, don't worry about the restraining order, it is most likely just a reaction to not seeing you.

Well if someone that I was paying for their medical and auto insurance and filling out the paperwork to help with their college financial aid and that I brought Christmas gifts too...actually told me that they would get a restraining order on me either in jest or truth or just being mad...here would my answer to "the text"....

Son/daughter/friend/spouse etc etc...dont worry about threatening me ...your medical and auto insurance is cancelled, hope you have taken notes on how to do your scholarship/financial aid and by the way, you are welcome for the presents, take care of them they are the last you will get. When you learn adult behaviour and how to treat people especially your parents with common civility and respect ...call us. Bye.

I have an estranged daughter ...only child with 3 grandkids...none of which I have seen in over 2 years or heard from....so beleive me I know the grief...she is 38 years old.

No one should be so entitled and arrogant as your son to treat someone...anyone...like he just did you. What will he do when he has a boss or has to answer to some other authority in life...treat them like he just did you ???

What lessons are teaching these kids ?

AllK

Oh I forgot to add...if you would like to pay for my medical and auto insurance and bring me gifts...not only will I be nice to you...I would even buy you dinner when you come. And I know how to say thank you quite well also. I am looking forward to meeting you !!!

AllK

Sovery, I am so very sorry that you had to hear those words. No parent should especially ones who are still helping their child. It is against God's Word to show that dishonor to you and DH. I believe that you were showing love to him by dropping off gifts. He knows you and DH care about him. Not to retaliate but to guide properly by God's commandment I would stop any further help. We let our ED know we love her and are here for her and have reached out in the past 2 years with cards, some gifts, ect but once she left the way she did the finances stopped. That is how we were led to do it.

I wonder how Judge Judy or one of these other television judges would deal with the concept of a student son filing a restraining order on his parents who are paying his medical and auto insurance and also filling out his scholarship and financial aid papers.

As my son was pounding on the door the night I kicked him out, he was shouting that I was going against his "renters rights." Uhh.....he had not even paid his first rent, and he had been living in our home since he was born.....and he was shouting about us violating his "renters rights?" I think we call this behavior, SILLY AND CHILDISH!

I just got through watching a television special about people who went through the Dust Bowl in the 1930's. The survivors are now in their 90's. They grew up the hard way. Now I'm watching something about John Kennedy going off to WW II and becoming a man as the captain of a PT boat. He grew up too. Children don't want to grow up. And they sometimes hit their mommies when they get mad. That's a bad boy thing to do.

Hard as it is to hear/read, I agree 100% with what AllK..... said above. I can guarantee that their bad treatment will never change until they know we mean business and God intervenes. Never cease praying.

Okay, so let's see--
You respected your husband's and ES's wishes and were shown disrespect by son
He knew gifts were coming and didn't say to not bring them.
The mere fact that his father was in the dorm has him screaming about a restraining order,
He works hard to do what he can to be financially independent--but isn't; though you support him for good reasons and this shouldn't be held over his head.

Respect has to be a two way street. This article was posted on another site...I wish I had it before things got so bad with my ES. http://www.forbes.com/sites/nextavenue/2013/10/23/the-bill-of-rights-for-parents-of-adult-children/

His reaction was not warranted IMO.

Your son didn't want to see his Dad, you & husband dropped off presents

Your son blew up ~~~

The money used to pay the medical, auto insurance, helping with college and the gifts you dropped off are yours & husbands.

You have a gem for a husband, he still provides for his son even if your son wants nothing to do with his father. If yours is like mine, he stills loves his son, but he also does it for you.

I say put your husband and you first, when we let go; hard as it is; there is a calm that come into your lives, the tension leaves.

Please rethink your issues with your son, would you put up with this attitude if he WASN’T your son?

If he was mine, and he stated he would get a “restraining order” I would say “save your money, you’ll need it for the car insurance and health insurance”.

so sorry you went through that.....my son says similar stuff to me and it hurts more than a knife to the chest

What these kids are suffering from is what has been the ruination of this country. It's called entitlement and they learn it in school, sometimes even in church, because after all, God wouldn't want them to suffer. Forget the fact that He suffered plenty for us and warned us we would suffer too. We had them, and we owe them. I have walked a fine line trying to help my kids because all of them are handicapped to a certain degree. It is easy to do too much, and I have. But when they have kids you know are being effected it is tough.

I finally realized that what we are throwing away on them is what we should be saving for our retirement years, and do you really think these kids are going to pitch in and help if their folks run short? With what? And if they are sick and tired of us now, how will they feel when we can't be of any use to them any more?

It's not "look out for number one" but it is "don't throw money down a rat hole." Money and our precious time, energy and tears. We can't make them love us. But we can protect ourselves from their rotten behavior by at least making sure they do us no more damage and are not able to step in and take what little we have left when we are old and unable to defend ourselves.

Every time we feel guilty and try to make amends with no effort on their part we reinforce their abuse of us. Do we really want children who have no use for us in the picture to make decisions about us in our old age? I am in a position to see the sad results of this and it is something everyone needs to think about. No thanks; I want to be completely detached from someone who would feel perfectly justified in putting me in a nursing home then running through my life savings.And these EC would, I am afraid.