Ishallwear I think that job is a true gift . God bless you in it.

I agree, I believe that estrangement takes a lot out of us on every level including self-esteem. Only with God's help can we regain our joy.

And may I say, only with God's help can we realize that the essence of "self-esteem" is truly narcissism. I know this might be construed as a mean thing to say, but we must be faithful to God's word ALONE. His word does not say a thing about how highly we think of ourselves. In fact, a life in Jesus means that we esteem ourselves below everyone, as in servanthood. If we truly believe in God's omnipotence, we will realize that "He knows the way that I take." True, we cannot control what others do to us, but we can know that God allows things to happen in our lives in order to create a dependence on Him. His ways are unsearchable. We may not know why things we think "bad" happen, but God allows whatever will shape our character to be more like Him to happen in our lives. God's grace comes to undeserving beings like ourselves, who can do nothing to earn His love. "The heart is deceitful above all things and desperately corrupt...who can understand it" If that is true, then how can we feel that we must think highly of ourselves? God saved some of us, not because of how good we were, or that we deserved it. It is pure mercy from a loving God and His plan in our live may include heartache. We must accept it and not be drawn into man's vain philosophies and psychological ideas of what we are.

When you look into someone's eyes and see pain there, but you listen to their words and hear hope, you know that you may be able to trust them with your heart's cry. Jesus was a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief. He was a man who sweat great drops of blood in his agony in the garden. This agony was experienced because he had decided that no matter what came his way, he would do the will of the Father. Our determination must always be "Nevertheless." That is what God is teaching us. Could he have done it another way? Everyone has a story of pain.

Purple - I can relate to what you say about seeing pictures of yourself. I avoid mirrors nowadays because I can see the reflection of the pain of my soul in the mirror. I have aged so much since the estrangement began. The sadness and emptiness that has become my entire existence is overwhelming. I struggle everyday to not be consumed by it. God is our only hope and it is in Him that we must place our trust. I am so happy that the Lord has provided you with a job that will be some purpose in life and a much needed distraction. May God continue to lead us all out of this pit of estrangement.

Sparrow - I understand what you are saying about "self-esteem" but I think in this case I don't believe that Purple was talking about esteeming herself above others or God or about thinking highly of herself. She was merely reflecting on her lack of self-worth and purpose and of the loss and sadness in her life. God does allow us to go thru trials in order to mold us and shape us, and sometimes even humble us, but it is also His will that we have life and have it more abundantly. He wants us to be happy and fulfilled. It is not His will that families be torn apart like ours have been. I also don't see her description of herself as she sees herself in pictures as being narcissistic or vain at all. ......Just my perspective.

So if God allows things to happen in our lives (in our cases estrangement) so that we depend on Him, then all the other people who have wonderful relationships with their adult children are ahead of us in their dependence on God? What about some friends of ours who are not Christians and have wonderful relationships with their adult children? I'd think they would be the ones God would allow estrangement to happen so they come to Him. I have to disagree.

I believe that each time a child estranges himself or herself from their family that God weeps. He weeps because he has given all of us free will and those who are from families who have always followed Christ as a family, he is also surprised at the turn these EC have taken.

I have to agree with Norske and forgotten here. I have always battled with my self-esteem. As far back as I can remember. I am a victim of childhood sexual abuse. It molds you in a way that only those who endured it would understand. I grew up feeling unworthy of love. When I was taught (as an adult) about Jesus Christ, I obviously came to realize that the devil wanted me to stay broken and downhearted. Since I have become a Christian, the things in my life did not improve, they actually got worse...with the estrangement right in there as well.

Did it damage my self-worth? Absolutely! Does God want me to have self-worth, a healthy self-esteem? Absolutely! I am nothing without God. I get my value and worth from Him. If we are always down and unaware that we have such worth, we cannot be good ambassadors for Christ. Who wants to hear about His saving grace from someone who has a weak opinion of themselves. He gave us this gift of eternal life through His grace. We accept it through our free will. We are wonderfully and powerfully made. To suggest that my self-worth is of arrogance, is to neglect that which He has given me. He has given me the ability to share His word, to love His children and to forgive those who have hurt me.

Will God call me to task if I am full of myself? Yes I believe He will. If I stay in contact with Him, He will make me see if my britches get too big. I also count on my good friends and family to also call me on such behavior. So I will hold on tight to my self-esteem, although it wavers due to the estrangement. I will turn to Him to admonish me if need be.

I mean no offense to anyone here. I appreciate that we are all allowed an opinion and hope it is shared in a safe loving manner.

Estrangement is very destructive and so opposite of the love of God. We live in a fallen world and it is getting further from God's ways all of the time. I believe that Jesus saved us that we might have joy and have it more abundantly. Some times it seems, to me, that we must battle to keep our joy. Of course, who wants to keep us down and destroy us when trials and sorrows come our way (and they will because this is life)? The enemy wants to keep us down and destroy us and make us believe that we are worth nothing and that life is worth nothing especially after what our EC have done (betrayal, lies, burning bridges). Rain falls on the just and the unjust. As Christians we suffer (estrangement) but the difference is we have Jesus to walk through the sorrow with us. How could we do it without Him?

I believe that we are valuable in HIs eyes and we are a child of the King. That is our self-worth. Let's pray that Satan does not take that from us because we all know that is his plan. "But be of good cheer I have overcome the world."

Sparrow1974 - I have to completely and utterly disagree with you. Our sense of self-worth is NOT narcissm. It is a God-given privilege and a gift. Self-worth is simply having confidence and without confidence we are not living our lives in all its fullness - the fullness of Christ.

To be brow-beaten and insecure - these are not of God. No offence meant and none taken, but I certainly and totally disagree with you.

We are, after all - made in the image of God.

Self-esteem certainly does not equate to self-importance as in narcissism.

Self-esteem is healthy and means that all is well with our soul, as it should be.

Looking at the concept of self-esteem, I think that what we are talking about is two extreems. Our culture encourages people to think about themselves constantly. How do I look? How are people thinking about me? How much do I have? Am I successful, famous, empowered to the max. We compare ourselves with people like Oprah Winfrey constantly. I have been noticing that in the media, for the most part, all you see are beautiful people, thin women, people with power jobs. Magazines like "SELF" grace our news stands. So when we are rejected by our own children, we feel like we must be the lowest of the low. Even this drug addict movie star's children love her, why don't my children love me?

God does not ask us to constantly be comparing ourselves with other people and seeing how we measure up. I can tell you that I don't measure up to the images that I see before me constantly, and that is one reason why I feel less worthy than a lot of people. I have to fight feeling like I am nothing compared to the young and beautiful, the people romping with their children taking vitamins all day, and always choosing correctly for their families. But we have to understand that these images are presented to us for one reason. It make somebody MONEY.

God asks us to compare ourselves with one Person, Jesus Christ, and in doing that NOBODY is going to measure up. So to esteem yourself apart from Christ is silly, because we are nothing apart from Him. But when we are in Christ, we are seated in the heavenlies at the right hand of the Father. We are His children, and He loves us in a special way that far exceeds how he regards someone whom He knows will never repent, because He knows the proud afar off. Though the LORD [be] high, yet hath he respect unto the lowly: but the proud he knoweth afar off. Psalm 138:6

I know I made a lot of mistakes with my son, and one of them was to make him feel that he was the center of the universe. I made sure that he was a very capable person. Swimming, piano, plays, dance, homeschool, missions trips, Royal Rangers, everything was geared to his development. It was not wrong to do these things, but I think I must have left something out while I was encouraging him in excellence. Before all of this happened, he was literally the "golden boy" of our church. He could do no wrong. But I saw the dark side and he began to hate me for that. He couldn't fool me. And somehow I thought that being in a Christian atmosphere all the time and talking about Jesus, he would "get it." We forget that the most perfect Parent of all had children in the most perfect of settings, and all it took was one vile snake to destroy the whole shabang. Why, because everyone has a sin nature, and the lust of the eye, and the lust of the flesh and the pride of life will take down anyone whose mind is not stayed on Christ.

I try to imagine what I could have done so very differently that could have prevented this, or was it inevitable because my son has to learn from his own consequences what it means to really follow the Lord? I keep praying. I keep praying for my son because his perfection will one day wane. And he will be faced with the consequences of a life lived away from the Lord.

Tikva - what a wonderful post. Thank you.

Tikva, I relate to so much of what you shared. Our ED was the "golden girl" of our church, too. DH and I saw her dark side and she turned on us for that, as well. She wanted to be surrounded by "new" people who did not know the "real" her with all of her issues. The enemy got hold of her. That's what he does. Keep praying.
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I know MY self esteem plummeted to nothing when my daughter first cut me out of her life (she has 2 small ones that Im not allowed to see and I hardly know them) ...my EYES radiated pure SORROW to all, AND in pictures. HOWEVER my husband reminded me the other day that I have nothing to be ashamed of for I am a child of the one true God, and THAT you guys should help our self esteem, He loved us enough to die for us, and He has CHOSEN us out of this world.....We hold a noble position as His children, and we are LOVED...May God bless each one of you today!

Nanasgot8, I also had a very bad childhood in a dark family and I was damaged goods when I moved out at 18 years old. Though from an atheist home, I had Christian neighbors until 12 years old, and I heard about Jesus and the Golden Rule, and I took those to heart, I saw some light and wanted it, knowing how much better the world would be and the dark family I was 'stuck' in would be if people treated others as they would like to be treated. I wanted the 'Light of the world" very badly as a child.

After moving out at 18 I wanted to repair a negative self-esteem, maybe it was even self-hatred, as taught to me by my parents in criticisms and attitudes. The message: "you're hatable" not "you're lovable". I made it my life's work to love myself, forgive myself, find out in what ways I'm worthy, and how to increase them, thereby increasing my ability to love and forgive myself, then love and forgive others, as Jesus asks us to. "If you love Me, you'll obey my commandments". (one thing I found out, even if I try to treat others the way I'd like to be treated, it's a mistake and set-up for bitterness to expect others, including Christians, to treat me as I hope to be treated, need to be treated, cry to be treated....my motto is 'expect nothing' from people, which sounds jaded i realize)

I think self-esteem is not arrogance, or self glory or pride, but is an attitude of feeling worthy and lovable. I think it is repaired and grown by treating others well, and being a kind nurturing mother to myself, the mother I never had. Also asking in prayer for God to show me how to be more like Him.

Estrangement and betrayal by my grown C and family of origin did create a drastic crushing set-back to my feelings of worthiness--and satan is right there to try to take me down that dark road of feeling unlovable and unworthy. This is my chief battle the last 2-3 years. I beg God to "let me go Home" more then I'd care to admit, because the consequences of estrangement included me losing my business, all my savings, and I face homelessness more often then not.

I turned to God to keep me able to live on, and to guide the rest of my life, so that whatever purpose He has for my life, I will fulfill it so that this life is not a waste, or in vain, but will be to His satisfaction. I don't LIKE how this has turned out, but I think there are many meanings and valuable lessons for my families and me, and others who see the 'tragi-drama' from the sides. Without God, I'd have surely perished from the pain. What has helped my esteem during this horror of the last decade is sharing intimitely and honestly with God.
He knows my love for my kids, my positive intentions in raising them, my love for Him and what He stands for, and He hears the cries of a mother pleading for her children, and for truth and love to WIN. He knows the truth, and I know that He will prevail in all things--including broken families where hearts have grown cold. Thank You God for loving the broken-hearted.

I heard a pastor say in 2005, "The truth is the truth no matter who believes it"..I LOVE that!! That means I don't have to get sucked into the lies and negativity to prove or disprove things!!!

Self worth is one of my biggest battles, and this is a good topic, thank you for posting it. To a single parent who tried to give more to her children then she was given as a child (spiritually, morally, and opportunities) and did her best, and thought she did a great job, it was crushing beyond description to be betrayed, mocked and cast aside by my EC! My grandchildren will not remember or know me, all the lost memories that could have been...My GC are being taught this insideous prejudice/bias/hatred towards targeted GP's, and so legacies of darkness are being handed down to the next generation.

I have to believe that God will work it all for Good in His timing. He has helped me so much with the pain. I am praying lately for Him to send His warrier angels to come against the darkness that has overtaken my family of origin, and my family. I think that this is a powerful prayer.

The Christian 'Prosperity' teaching that's been around a long time, that Osteen also teaches, I find difficult and conflicting to my experience.It seems to me that it can (unknowingly sometimes) cause people to judge or evaluate other's worth and relationship with God by appearances--a huge mistake, I think. We can never understand the mind of God and His purposes for us. I have a suffering theory, that maybe God gives the more difficult life paths to those He has in mind great things for, if they survive the fire... I like this one more. Suffering can grow far more character, strength and perseverence then complacency. It has testd my ability to love unconditionally MORE then anything could have, and for that opportunity I am now grateful and I thank Him. Still I look forward to my true Home where I will be loved.

foreverlovingmom Thank you so much for all you shared. There is a lot of similarity In our stories. I too did not come from a Christian home, and when I finally had a child, I thought that everything would be so perfect now that I could do it the right way. Despite my greatest efforts, it seems that something from the past generations came through anyway. I can't explain it.

I agree that the health and wealth gospel is pretty hard to swallow both because of experience and because I don't see it taught in the Bible. I mean the man who wrote most of the New Testament was beheaded and the rest of the apostles died pretty ugly deaths as well. I'm not saying that God will not do miracles or that there isn't a miracle that he may be planning at this very moment, but nonetheless, He does seem to use suffering in our lives to bring us to a better understanding of who He really is. I think we need to stand in the mouth of the cave and listen more than demand miracles. This world is not our home. One the miracles will be forever.

One day....