CHRISTIAN PARENTS of ESTRANGED ADULT CHILDREN Community Group
Estrangement makes it difficult to talk about with family, friends, neighbors and church members. Christians are NOT immune to broken families. Talk about your experiences with those who know how you feel and get positive support through your Christian faith...."In these last days difficult times will come, for men will be lovers of self...disobedient to parents,...
A couple of months ago I asked you all if you thought it a good idea for DH and I to take a break from one of our ES who had been barraging us with texts, email, phone calls to remind us of what terrible parents we are and how wrong we are for not approving of his gf. We did take a break for one month. We transmitted that message via my MIL and our ES did comply and let us be for a month. It was a month of huge relief. After the first week or so I started getting out a little and even exercised a few times. My DH and I got energized and inspired and made plans to bring my parents to visit their our ancestor's country for two weeks. We did that a couple of weeks ago now and did not tell any of our EC (they never would notice anyhow) we were out of the country. The one month break from our ES was so good and aside from one phone call from him in between it was probably about 6 weeks total before he started getting after us again.
Now, he started again a week ago with an email. It actually sounded like he cared in the email so we replied hesitantly but honestly and in love. Yesterday we got back an 8 paragraph email outlining all the reasons we are wrong and bad parents. My day was hijacked, all my plans were sabotaged and I was paralyzed with enormous sadness. Not wanting an email "war" back and forth, I phoned him. He didn't answer and messaged me that I could email or message him. I did not. Thankfully he phoned me back two hours later. I was crying still but he still started to yell at me. I begged him to quit and to stop sending us emails like that because they are killing us. He softened a bit and listened for a while. I cried for the whole conversation. In the end he said he'll "think about" things. I don't know what to expect next. Rather than good news that I was hoping for last time I guess I need to be prepared for him to lambast us again. He goes back and forth jerking us up and down - he says how much he loves us and then tells us all the reasons we're terrible parents. (We adopted all of our three from an orphanage when they were young teens. Terrible people we are.)
All this pity party here I guess to sort out my thoughts. I am paralyzed again today. I now need to overnight (because I didn't do it yesterday) a birthday card to our ED for tomorrow or we'll be in the dog house with her - even though she doesn't speak to us - she'll tell everyone we didn't send her anything. I feel deflated and defeated and that our future is really going to be a nightmare rather than all the wonderful things we were hoping for way back when. Our ES, who we thought got the message that we don't want to have this kind of contentious "warring" relationship, did not seem to get the message. He started back up as soon as he felt like it. He will do that every day if I let him. I guess we could give him another one month break edict but it seems like we might just be sealing future non-communication. Our other two almost never communicate with us but this ES needs all the attention he can get and doesn't mind if he has to start conflict to get more of it. We had spoken to him twice after getting back from vacation - both times cautious and courteous - we never brought up up any contentious issues. But he couldn't leave well enough alone and now were sitting on eggshells waiting for the next bomb he's going to drop. What a way to live. Meanwhile, I see him posting silly selfies on fb today. Life is light and fun for him, apparently. I am just barely mustering the energy to walk 4 blocks to the post office. I guess I just know that there are some of you all in similar situations that will understand. We all probably don't have a lot of places to share all this so thanks for letting me do it here. Praying the Lord will comfort and give wisdom to us all.
Now, he started again a week ago with an email. It actually sounded like he cared in the email so we replied hesitantly but honestly and in love. Yesterday we got back an 8 paragraph email outlining all the reasons we are wrong and bad parents. My day was hijacked, all my plans were sabotaged and I was paralyzed with enormous sadness. Not wanting an email "war" back and forth, I phoned him. He didn't answer and messaged me that I could email or message him. I did not. Thankfully he phoned me back two hours later. I was crying still but he still started to yell at me. I begged him to quit and to stop sending us emails like that because they are killing us. He softened a bit and listened for a while. I cried for the whole conversation. In the end he said he'll "think about" things. I don't know what to expect next. Rather than good news that I was hoping for last time I guess I need to be prepared for him to lambast us again. He goes back and forth jerking us up and down - he says how much he loves us and then tells us all the reasons we're terrible parents. (We adopted all of our three from an orphanage when they were young teens. Terrible people we are.)
All this pity party here I guess to sort out my thoughts. I am paralyzed again today. I now need to overnight (because I didn't do it yesterday) a birthday card to our ED for tomorrow or we'll be in the dog house with her - even though she doesn't speak to us - she'll tell everyone we didn't send her anything. I feel deflated and defeated and that our future is really going to be a nightmare rather than all the wonderful things we were hoping for way back when. Our ES, who we thought got the message that we don't want to have this kind of contentious "warring" relationship, did not seem to get the message. He started back up as soon as he felt like it. He will do that every day if I let him. I guess we could give him another one month break edict but it seems like we might just be sealing future non-communication. Our other two almost never communicate with us but this ES needs all the attention he can get and doesn't mind if he has to start conflict to get more of it. We had spoken to him twice after getting back from vacation - both times cautious and courteous - we never brought up up any contentious issues. But he couldn't leave well enough alone and now were sitting on eggshells waiting for the next bomb he's going to drop. What a way to live. Meanwhile, I see him posting silly selfies on fb today. Life is light and fun for him, apparently. I am just barely mustering the energy to walk 4 blocks to the post office. I guess I just know that there are some of you all in similar situations that will understand. We all probably don't have a lot of places to share all this so thanks for letting me do it here. Praying the Lord will comfort and give wisdom to us all.
I also understand the adopted child. Our ED (age 23) is adopted from another Country. It brings a whole different set of problems with it. You were good parents and your EC were older when they came to you. Please do not accept any blame they try to put on you and DH. It is not true. Our EC are responsible for their own poor decisions and the way they have rebelled against God and family. Please do not accept verbal abuse.
We can let them know we love them and care about them and that we will receive them back when they show the proper behavior and respect. That is what the prodigal father did.
Perhaps if you take an indefinite break from these kids and if they do figure out your new phone number and/or email addresses, tell them that you do not want to hear from them until they treat you with the respect you deserve.
God will walk with you through this.
Given that there is no reason we should be in the doghouse, and plenty of reason we should be loved, respected and admired, this is an awful lot of needless cow-towing to grown children, isn't it?
Plus it doesn't work or help. So if I want to send a card, I want to do it because I want to do it, not out of fear. If I don't want to send one, I don't. Fear is a rotten place to live in. From now on, I do what *I* want to do - just like a normal person! just like our kids already do! They'll be this way no matter what we do, anyway, because nothing is ever enough for them. So we have nothing to lose and plenty to gain by setting boundaries.
If they want to be with us, they can do it on the same civil terms any other person requires in a relationship. Not on the terms that we are constantly available as psychological punching bags or doormats to grown adults.
I have an ED who does the same thing. She wants to get together on false pretenses and then she starts throwing subtle, underhanded barbs at me every chance she gets to belittle me. When I have finally had my fill, I let her know in a calm way that she is being rude. Then she becomes a drama queen and goes ballistic and lashes out at me. It's like, if I want to have a relationship with her I have to walk on eggshells and put up with her disrespect. Or if I don't put up with her disrespect we become estranged. She is very much an extrovert and I am an introvert, so she gets by with a lot before I finally have my fill and say something. I just do not like making waves and I want our visits to have good memories, not bad memories, and she knows it and uses it for all it's worth. So where do you draw the line?
I don't know the answer. I wish I had a therapist to go to for some guidance. This site and a few other Daily Strength sites are the only therapy I have to go by. Right now I am just giving my ED her space. Partly because I am so drained after our last visit in February. Since then I have received a few token texts and a few very short emails. We had a very short, strained phone conversation the day after Mother's Day. That's it.
I am trying to accept that this is the way it will probably be until she can learn to treat me with a little more respect. But a pattern has been set from way back and I do not think she can learn to treat me with more respect. What would she do without her vulnerable target? I'm beginning to think I'm probably not worth much to her unless I am willingly to be her dart board.
The strained separation is very painful. I do not want to have a relationship with my daughter like this. But I also don't want to be belittled and disrespected whenever we get together. This is not our first estrangement. It has happened before when I finally get my fill of her utter disrespect towards me and let her know, heaven forbid.
Chocolate, I wish you the best in dealing with your ES. Personally, I'd rather have the distance than the disrespect, stress and disruption. This site has given me the strength to do that. It also helps to know we are not alone in this journey. God bless.
As the bible states " ... Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace."
Blessings
I have read and reread all of your comments - and I'm sure I will continue to. Thanks you all for the encouragement. I'm eagerly standing by on this site if you have any more inspiration! So blessed to know that the Lord knows each of our situations and sends help to us when we need it. God bless you all.
Seeing your new stand God willing will bring your ES to realize that His behavior is unacceptable to God and you.