CHRISTIAN PARENTS of ESTRANGED ADULT CHILDREN Community Group
Estrangement makes it difficult to talk about with family, friends, neighbors and church members. Christians are NOT immune to broken families. Talk about your experiences with those who know how you feel and get positive support through your Christian faith...."In these last days difficult times will come, for men will be lovers of self...disobedient to parents,...
My ES invited us to his home for Sunday brunch. I am going alone as my DH is afraid of what might transpire since he was the one that fought with my DIL. Since the estrangement, August 2013, my ES and I have infrequently exchanged emails. His have gone from nasty and blaming to this invitation. Mine have gone from pleading and sad to accepting the estrangement.
I don't know how tomorrow will play out. I can only pray that a reconnect can lead to a reconciliation. At least I'll get to see my grandsons to whom I've sent cards for any and every occasion I could think of so that they didn't forget that we exist and love them.
Our son knows that his father cannot be in the same room as his wife. She belittled him and accused him of being a bully too many times and he cannot forgive her at this point.
Our DIL did not have a very happy childhood and she had a poor relationship with her own father. She has never really cared for either my DH or me. However, she is a good mother and wife.
Please remember me in your prayers tomorrow. Blessings.
I don't know how tomorrow will play out. I can only pray that a reconnect can lead to a reconciliation. At least I'll get to see my grandsons to whom I've sent cards for any and every occasion I could think of so that they didn't forget that we exist and love them.
Our son knows that his father cannot be in the same room as his wife. She belittled him and accused him of being a bully too many times and he cannot forgive her at this point.
Our DIL did not have a very happy childhood and she had a poor relationship with her own father. She has never really cared for either my DH or me. However, she is a good mother and wife.
Please remember me in your prayers tomorrow. Blessings.
Is posted. God bless you.
My son lives about 90 min. from me. I arrived with trepidation and was greeted with a big hug from my son and I immediately started to tear up but I held it together. My grandsons both hugged me and talked about school and sports as if I had seen them a week ago. In fact, that's how the brunch went and the visit after.
That is until my son said where do we go from here as he didn't want to cause friction between his Dad and and me. ( My husband is his father and my son our only child) I said that we support each other and that he isn't ready to reconnect but happy for me. My DIL went ballistic. Saying hurtful things about my DH. I took other's advice and was quiet, absolutely no response to her accusations. The grands were not in the room during her tirade. At that point I said my goodbyes. Hugs and kisses from my son and grandsons, not my DIL.
My husband was happy for me when I told him of our son's and grandson's reaction to my visit. And said "I told you so" about my DIL.
Where do we go from here? That's hard to know. My DH and I are still going south after Christmas and my schedule is busy up to Christmas. However, if my son and grandson's want me to visit again, I'll be there. I am praying that the situation will somehow improve but I'll leave that to the Lord. I have my Christmas miracle and answer to prayers in reconnecting with my son. Blessings.
So thrilled for you!!!!!
I am curious as to what was said that made your DIL get angry. You said you made the comment that your DH wasn't ready to reconnect -- was that what made her angry? Perhaps is she more ready to reconnect than you thought and it hurt her feelings that DH wasn't? Since everything seemed well before then I am just curious as to what set her off.
Other than that it sounds lke you had a great visit. I am so happy for you.
At the reconnect, my son asked what the next steps were as he didn't want to cause friction between my DH and me and would they be welcome in our home or would all visits have to be at his home or on neutral ground. I said that it would have to be arranged so that DH was not at home or in the summer at the cottage as he wasn't prepared to reconnect as yet.
DIL was very angry at this. She said that she was still angry at both of us for the fight and that DH deserved to be a lonely old man and that he would never see his GS and how could I live with such a man . My son told her to calm down and to prevent it from escalating, I said that it was time for me to leave.
My DH is not a bully. Both of us will not tolerate swearing and disrespectful conduct in our home regardless of who it is and my son knows this. The fight was because of the language that the grandson's were using during their stay with us. She honestly believes that she was protecting her sons from a verbal reprimand from my DH and that he crossed a boundary. Neither she or my DH will back down from their respective positions.
I think you are so right that your DIL is probably transferring her problems with her own father over into her relationship with your DH. Possibly something in that original exchange between her and your DH "triggered" something in her that made her "take flight or fight" in response.
Because I was an abused child myself and suffer with "mild" PTSD" now (It was severe before I went into therapy in my 30's) I feel like I can relate a bit to the DIL's situation perhaps and hopefully give another perspective and food for thought and prayer.
If you think about the soldiers who come home with PTSD that are "triggered" by loud noises for instance once home and react like they are in battle again, we all understand why they react to the loud noise and do not take their response personally in anyway.
I can assure you that anyone that is abused verbally or physically enough to cause emotional trauma has some degree of PTSD and can be "triggered" by things and by people who don't mean harm to them.
It is possible that your DIL felt threatened enough by your DH's reaction to feel real fear for her kids and herself, even though your DH in no way threatened them or meant to appear to be threatening. He just may have triggered past trauma in her mind that she now associates with him.
Perhaps if your DH could reconsider the situation with your DIL, by thinking of our soldiers with PTSD and then consider her reaction is not really personally towards him, then maybe with prayer and the Holy Spirit's help things could be mended again between them.
I can tell you that I have had this happen to me....I have been "triggered" by people's reactions to me in certain situations, or by the tone of their voice towards me in stressful situations, and sometimes just by the slightest hint if it is a man of them in anyway being forceful, controlling, or angry so much that I went into "fight or flight" without thinking and reacted. I mean right now...I was back in my mind where I felt real fear....there was not a reason to feel that with the person I was with...but they triggered that and that's the reality that I perceived at the moment and I transferred all of what I felt from the original abuse years ago, right onto that person in that present moment. When this happens to us with PTSD it is very hard to erase the fear from the memory banks, it stays with you and transfers to the new threat perceived.
I kind of compare what needs to be done to repair the damage and rebuild the trust to this example....its like trying to tame a ferril cat!! It can be done but it takes a lot of love and patience and making sure that the trust is rebuilt solidly so that you never betray the trust again, or the cat goes back to being ferril and can never be tamed again. Those of us who have been traumatically abused don't trust easily!! But by the power of the Holy Spirit we can be remade whole again....I am living proof!
I see much hope in your situation Sallyann! The fact that your son is as wise as he seems to be from your description and that your DIL is willing to have a relationship at least with you and that your DH is so willing to be left out, yet support you....lots of proof there that all of you have loving hearts that really want to be there for each other! Praising the Lord for this for all of youl!!