Mommadarling, I ask myself these same questions daily. Like you, other people in my life tell me I am a good person, they value me. I don't believe there are any answers. I've searched for those answers and have not found anything. To me, we simply need to know who we are, and do whatever it is God has in mind for us to do. Like you, I am not acknowledged by anyone on my birthday, Mother's Day, or any day for that matter (not by my family at least). It hurts…. it hurts a lot. But, there is more to life than mourning something that possibly was never there in the first place (good relationships with those people). Life is short! We need to make the most of each and every day, regardless of how others treat us. (sometimes when I'm typing a response, it is really for myself I'm typing… I need to do more of this)

As I was reading your post it hit me. You were a wonderful mother, I'm sure. This behavior of your son and step-children you speak of speaks to the sin and character of those who act this way. That includes our ED. I see total ungratefulness and breaking of the commandment to honor parents in such actions. It is difficult to accept and we can only show love in return by God's grace when given the opportunity.

Do you think the showering of gifts upon them is something you want to continue to do?

lindajoan, I no longer give gifts to the SC. I have left that department to DH. I have changed how I interact with them in the last year just to preserve my sanity. It has helped me to detach. But, today I was thinking, is there a connection between how the SC and my ES treat me and me as a mom?

Mommadarling, you are echoing my own thoughts on this thread. I've asked myself that same question innumerable times. I was the disciplinarian in our family while my children were growing up, and even a few years ago I had to step into what was a bizarre situation and in effect discipline my grown child. Speaking for myself, there are difficult choices to make in life, and it is sometimes a choice between doing the right thing, and being liked. At the end of the day, for me, I feel secure that I made the right choice, even though it has had incredibly difficult consequences for me. Your situation is likely different, and I know I'm sort of speaking in riddles in this post, but I think if we know we did things as we did for the right reasons, we should rest in that. How others choose to respond is on them.

I was the disciplinarian and spiritual leader in our family. His father was absent, led a double life and not interested in being the "bad guy". He also said later..." How can I discipline him when I am doing the same things?"

I once heard this teaching.....
It is the father's role to discipline and provide spiritual leadership to the family. If the mother steps into this role because of the father's negligence, the children will resent her because God's natural order has been thrown off. Children are designed to take this kind of instruction and leadership from their fathers only.

On the other hand, if the mother does not step in, the children will be even worse off without the necessary guidance. So it is better for the children's sake for her to step up to the plate. However, the fall-out and damage from this kind of family order is...the children usually have a strained relationship with their mother and resent her.

What do others think of this teaching? I am not sure what to think. I am just trying to put some logic to this estrangement business.

I agree , it is a selfish me world we live in. Shame on those who do it , they will be judged by God for it. I wonder why your DH has not had a conversation to his children on your behalf to ask them why they are so hurtful and thoughtless toward you. To me that would be the next logical action. I hope this gets better for you.

I think that makes sense. A father is supposed to be strong and a mother is supposed to be nurturing, in people's minds. It's difficult to be both at the same time. For me, I just hope some day they are able to look at things objectively and see what was going on. In the meantime, I've decided to just go about my life.

you did what you thought was right, congratulate yourself for stepping up to the plate. Millions of women had to do the same that you did. I think it lies more in a selfish society who cares nothing about others.

Hi Saved. My DH has spoken to his kids and they just shrug it off. They say sorry or deny it or say that's just the way we are and continue in their selfish ways. While they treat him better than me, they are not very considerate to him either. Recently, we moved away from them all. It was just too hurtful to be around them. Since we have moved 2 of them are starting to come around but it is still a strained and difficult situation.

I guess you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.

In that case I would stop doing anything for them - period. And of course pray to the Lord. It is his commandment to honor your father and mother. I wonder if counseling would be of any benefit. As long as you or his dad keeps doing things for them, nothing will ever change. I stopped it for my 2 sons because they treat me as though I do not exist. The cold shoulder or silent treatment as they say.

Biblically, it is ideal if there is a father present to take on the leadership role. Of course, for many reasons that is not possible in a home. It could affect the child in various ways.

As for the way EC (or step children) treat their parents speaks to their sin and rebellion to God's Word. Please do not accept guilt from the enemy for what others do to you. You do not deserve to be treated with disrespect.

We all did are best. No one but God is perfect.

I'm drawing a mind blank, but who was the son Paul talks about that was raised by a Christian mother and grandmother. He certaninly turned out fine.
I do agree it's confusing to see different views of God. I think that's the biggest problem with my kids. I took God very seriously and tried to teach my kids to love God more than anything. I did devotions with them after my husband went to work at night because he'd get mad that I was being the Spiritual leader, but he wouldn't do anything. I sadly quit when my ED (the youngest) was in 2nd grade. That was too early to quit devotions, but I never stopped talking to them about making Jesus #1 in their lives

Lois and Euniice a Godly mother and daughter raised Timothy.

Mommadarling, that teaching you mentioned, is my situation to a T! I mean like "text book" word for word what happened. My DH was on the road and gone when my 3 rowdy boys were growing up, everything fell to me...all of it. It does not help that I am a strong willed woman, then getting into a church that taught that women like me are evil finished what little was left of my relationship with my sons as the pastor convinced them it was biblical to not respect me!

I think that teaching you mentioned has merit because I have seen the results it suggests will happen play out in my own relationships with my 3 boys.

In answer to your being a bad mother, you know from the first time you posted on here, I have sensed that you are a really loving gentle person, I just can not believe that you were a bad mother and now that I know you are a teacher....no way can I accept that you could have been a bad mother! The enemy is messing with your head my sister and trying to make you believe his lies! Rebuke him whenever he does this!

I also think you are being way to hard on yourself with the SC! That relationship is always a hard one to be successful at....SC resent you because you aren't their parent and the parent you replaced resents you and most likely fills SC's heads full of venom towards you....My DH lost his dad at age 6, and has Step Father so have seen the strain over the years in step situations. They are just tough all the way around but again, the Bible says honor and respect your parents, this includes you, it does not say they only have to if you are good, or if they like you, so if they are not honoring and respecting they have no excuse for this in God's eyes, its all on them and God in no way counts that your fault!