No one plans this no matter what our age. I could've almost written this 2 years ago. My ED took off with her bf (now husband) while the rest of the family went away for a couple days. She insisted she couldn't go because she was working. Turns out she had quit her job she was at for only 2 weeks. The whole time I was gone I called her and told her I loved her and she said she loved me only to find a note when I came home that I was not loved. I only found out about the wedding because I found the marriage license on the internet. You're going to go through tons of emotions. None of them are going to be bad meaning out of normal. It's the grieving process since it's a loss of a relationship. Grief, barganining, anger etc. Give every emotion to God. Keep a journal how you feel. Stay in the Bible. God knows what's going on. There's nothing you can do, but pray. I'm glad you stood your ground and said bf can't visit. It's a good sign though that she wants to stay in contact with you. Welcome to our group.

Hannahsmom, We are here for you to give you support and prayer. Our ED left home at age 20. We go through the stages of grieving. The best thing we can do is pray for our EC. I think it is a good sign that your ED contacted you. It seems like she misses home. I agree that you do not want her bf to visit but please make sure your ED knows that she is welcomed home. I'm sure you have.

God bless you. Please know we truly understand. Jesus will not fail you.

We had a close relationship with our son until a couple of months ago. He is the single custodial father of 5 and we have done everything possible to help him. This girl comes into his life and he leaves in the middle of the night with the kids. I know how much you must hurt since ES is our only child. It's important to pray for our EC and try to leave them in God's capable hands. It's so hard to do but He truly is the only one who can change our EC's hearts. It always comes as such a shock because we feel so close to our EC and then they are gone. Each one of us has to handle this in our own way but the Discussions and support here are so very helpful. Just remember we are here for you and you are not alone. We care. God be with you

I lost my son to a girl. I hope your daughter wont cut you off totally like my son did. As bad as the situation is, try to keep communication open. My heart is with you. I know your heart is broken or you wouldnt be here. I am so sorry.

oh dear hannahs mom, I'm so sorry. Our daughter left home, pregnant at 17, and we haven't seen her in 6 months. I have a granddaughter I have never seen. It is so so so painful. A few things we have learned... they are "adults" now and there's nothing you can do to stop her. 20 is so young, and she has a lot of growing up to do still. My strong feeling is that this will not last, as we feel our daughter's alternate lifestyle will not last.

Read and study the prodigal son story again. You will see that the father did not chase after his son- but instead, he non-confrontationally let him go and live wild and wastefully. The son got sick of it and came home. I believe that my daughter will sicken of her life eventually and come home, and your daughter's situation sounds similar.

The waiting is the hardest part. But, oh, have we grown in a million ways in this short 6 months. Don't know what the future holds, but God can handle your precious daughter.

My friend said some kids have to "take the field trip to learn the lesson."

Hang in there and let us know how things are going.

hugs

My ES is 19 and he left before he turned 16 , it was the worst thing in my life. But... you can make it with the grace of God. Pray that he will lift the pain off of you and give you patience to wait. I visualized myself placing my boy into the hands of God so he could take care of him. I trust the Lord and I know he can do a far better job than I ever could. You will still grieve , like all of us but you can make it through this.

Dear Hannahsmom, I lost my sons to girls, and now they act like I don't exist....You are not alone....We are all here to offer you support and prayer.....

{{hugs}}

hugs and prayers Hannahsmom. My 19 year old daughter is married and is not speaking to me either… there are many of us here so please know that you're not alone and someone does understand how you feel. Even our Lord knows the pain of rejection firsthand. Cry out to Him and put your hope in Him for restoration of what's been stolen.
xo

Amen katesmom!

Well no one will probably like this answer but its my thoughts...Hannahsmom

First...she is 20 a legal adult
Second...you do know where she is etc
Third...she did ask to come and visit you both at christmas...
Fourth...you may not like her "boyfriend" but obviously she does for some reason
fifth...you have not even met him (as in give someone a chance you might like him)
sixth...if you do not want her and him there for christmas visit and your daughter is an adult and has asked to come...Who is estranging who?

You should feel blessed that she is contacting you ...wanting to come see you...wanting a connection.
Instead it seems to me that you are judging her and her choices and giving nothing a chance to heal or see the other side...after all she is an adult not a teen ager..perhaps you dont like her choices and lifestyle so YOU are punishing her

I think you should pray hard on this stance...the true road of estrangement is very rough and lonely...but we cannot chose or control anothers life...you might lose her permanetely

AllK

I can see your point, AIIK. It's like accept the boyfriend too or lose your daughter.. :-(

I would tend to agree with AiiK.

I am sorry you are going through this i feel sorry for you i know your heart is broke and i pray for you and your husand and hope you and your family can work all this out.And your rightyou didnt expect this in your senior years its not fair.

Dear Hannahsmom5, You, your husband, and your precious daughter are already in my prayers. Having raised eight sons and daughters-- the youngest of whom just went off to university-- I know that parenting adolescents and young adults can be extremely trying, in some cases. My prayer for you is that you can give your daughter's care to our All-Knowing Father, for now. As a young person, she is, perhaps, making unwise decisions for now, but in His capable hands, she will be kept safe until such time that she matures a bit more. Although I know that you are fearful that you have lost her, and that she has forsaken what you taught to her over the course of her childhood, perhaps it can help to picture yourselves as her anchor-- steady, strong, connected-- and know that she is much more likely to return to her Christian roots and her parents than to remain in the current relationship she is in.

At the same time, I pray and would encourage you to pray that God gives you the ability to realize that she is now an adult ( albeit a very young and perhaps, immature one) ) and you can no longer choose what she will do, who she will be with, where she will live. As parents, we have to recognize that surest way TO insure that our children will put a great deal of distance between themselves and us, their parents, is to speak and behave as though we CAN still make decisions for them, rather than accept their decisions, regardless of whether we think that they are wise ones or not.

She has hurt you terribly, and will not know just how much until she is a mother with a young adult daughter, or son, of her own. Even so, I agree wholeheartedly with those who have tried to gently persuade you that since she has asked to come home for Christmas, it would be a good idea to welcome her home for that visit, regardless of how much you disapprove of the choices she has made. Further, her e-mail message is an opportunity to reply and tell her how very much you love her, miss her, and will always welcome her home, even though you are concerned about, and disappointed in the choices that she has made, and hurt that she could not bring herself to tell you what she was planning prior to leaving home.

This is likely to not be an estrangement, if she has written to say that she'd like to come home with her boyfriend for Christmas. It may become an estrangement, however, if you say "no," or convey to her that you will not accept her choice of boyfriend, without ever having met him. If and when you DO meet him, I would encourage you to keep it light and polite. The more you express your disapproval and rejection, the more staunchly will your daughter defend him and alienate herself from you.

As a mom, I prayed fervently for God to guide me in my parenting of my older children, knowing that our younger children were observing closely whether our love was/is conditional or truly unconditional as we claimed. I sensed that God kept telling me that my/our unconditional love for our older youngsters ESPECIALLY during those times when they were making poor choices or acting out in ways that were pretty awful, helped our younger ones know that we might disapprove of the choices they would make in the future, and we might be very disappointed and fearful, but that they would always be safe because our love would continue, no matter what.

I wish you and your husband, and your daughter the very best. I hope and pray that your relationship with your daughter will be repaired, rather than move further apart. As long as she knows that you love and accept her, regardless of how you feel about her lifestyle choices right now, and you are communicating, there is every reason to hope that regardless of how strained things might be at this time, your relationship will not break. Maybe it would be a good idea for you to find a Christian counselor, or arrange for some time to talk with your pastor. That can be invaluable in terms of helping us to put things in better perspective, and reconfiguring our action plan.

Take good care of yourselves-- pray often, do something nice for yourselves, and consider asking for His help in trading your fear that you have lost your daughter into hope that she is doing her best-- regardless of how that may seem NOT to be the case-- and that she wants and needs your love and support during this time that she is making some not-so-terrific decisions. She is young and you will see many many changes over the next few years. In the meantime, know that we all are thinking of you, praying for you and your family.
Jane

I understand and agree you have to give bf a chance, but if they're asking bf to stay with you like the way they're living is ok. This isn't right. If he's going to come he should stay in a hotel.