Im so sorry. I understand exactly how you feel.

When my son contacted me by text a few months back, it was to tell me how sorry he was that I lost my father in the way that I did and so early in my adult life. He expressed so much love for this man. He loves my mother as well. She basically gained angel status as she was this good mans wife.

As touched as I was that he contacted me for one, and for two expressed love and sympathy towards me for that loss. Now mind you, still walking on eggshells. Cant say one wrong word or Im back to no communication. But sadly, as he expressed these feelings, he was forgetting that his own dads father is dying a few hours from here. But he is still alive as is his mom. He has 3 living grandparents. I wanted to scream at him, you idiot, you are missing this grandfather while this one is still here. But of course I couldn't.

Now moved ahead to today. He has one week before his last semester of school. He could have come to see them. He didn't. He was coming to see my mom as she is sick with cancer, he didn't. He has some childhood issue with my husbands parents. I know what it is and it is foolish to hold that against them. So as I haven't heard his voice for 5 and 1/2 years, going on 6, neither have his grandparents. How hard it was to tell them he wasn't communicating with us. Then when he was, he still wasn't contacting them. My husbands mom looked into my eyes on a visit and sadly said, I guess I will never see him again. How incredibly wrong is that?? He has children, their great grandchildren. And as was mentioned earlier, these people are the reason he is here. If not for them he wouldn't be and neither would his children.

This generation is sad, plain and simple. We stressed the importance of family. I don't know what went wrong. It is my husbands birthday, he hasn't heard from either of our children. Just plain wrong.

I will continue prayer for you.

Oh nana, ((hugs)) I will pray for you too my friend. The WHOLE world is becoming very cold & heartless it seems. I know there is good too, & good people, I am just not surrounded by them. Due to our severely dysfunctional childhoods, we 5 sibling do not get along. I am on the mend with 2 of my sisters, but the 3rd sister is the coldhearted, intolerant one. My brother & her have already made ALL my dad's funeral arrangements & didn't even bother to consult with the other 3 sisters. I found that out tonight. Im just so sick of the whole situation I could scream. I am beyond tears.

Gordos, I am truly Rory for your father and lindajoan for your mom. May you both find peace in the knowledge that you are both there for them.

I have a question regarding my estranged father....he estranged me 9 yrs ago and has a wife who encouraged him to do so and to keep it this way. I feel I may not be abiding by the 'Honoring your parents' by staying away? Can anyone shed any light on this for me? He has not reached put t myself and my bro; he is in constant contact with two siss, though. I try to stay Christian in my actions and ways; am I not by doing this? He has treated me horribly throughout the years..mainly while being married to this wife who has kids and GKs they place on pedestals. I thought to forgive him but another post on forgiveness has me confused with that, too. His health is sliding pretty fast, but he has not contacted me at all so I stay away. Thank you for any suggestions.

Even as our friends suffer, they manage to pray for others. The Lord surely smiles upon us.

Gordos, I had a really similar situation about a year ago. My father was in a very bad accident 4 years prior. He was failing rapidly last year at Christmas. I sent a message to them that if they wanted to see him, they might want to do so soon (my father was at my house for the holidays). That was the 2nd Christmas ED's and ES would have been gone for the holidays leaving me alone. I got a message from my younger ED that she was sick so she would not come to visit. I responded and said that would probably be best (meaning only that my father had COPD and could not afford a respiratory infection). She lost it - told me I could not keep her from seeing her grandfather and that she would find a way to see him WITHOUT ME. They then went to visit him on my YD's birthday (in the nursing home where he lived) and he died that day.

As a background my step-brother and his wife took care of my now deceased step-sister when she became terminally ill. My SIL who feeds my ED all kinds of garbage, refused to allow me to visit my step-sister after I had driven 4 hours to get my father (also sick) so that we could visit and say our goodbyes. So of course, my well-intentioned comment was immediately taken to mean I would not allow them to see their grandfather, because they will listen to anything my two SIL's tell them if it makes me the horrible mother.

Let your ES know, but offer to allow him to visit when you are not there - either by getting a respit caregiver in, or having someone else in your family whom your ES is communicating, stay there while you leave. This will relieve his mind that you have any other ulterior motives. If he still refuses, you have done everything you could possibly do to make sure he has an uninterupted opportunity to say his goodbyes.

Hugs and prayers,
Joyce

Littlemom, We are told in God's Word to forgive even our enemies. That does not mean having to have a relationship with them. Would you be willing to at least send a card to your dad? You will then have peace that you have done all you can do regardless of his response or lack thereof.

LIttlemom, Don't feel bad about not contacting your dad. I have struggled my whole life to forgive my dad, for ME, & my peace of mind, not his. But, when someone keeps treating you badly & hurting you, it's difficult to KEEP forgiving them. After awhile, they expect it, & rely on it. My dad has always hated me, & I know why deep down inside. Even though he has treated me like garbage, I still have been respectful of him & taken care of him when he's been sick. The only reason he had anything to do with me is because he NEEDED me, not wanted, but needed me. He is & will always be a user.
Your dad on the other hand, has cut you off, and there is nothing you can do about that. You cannot force someone to speak to you or spend time with you. Don't be surprised when someday, he really needs something, that he calls you. That day will come. Just be your kind self & do whatever it is he asks of you, but don't set yourself up for more hurt. If you don't do that something for him, it will just make you feel worse. I know that doesn't make any sense, but it is my reality. Hope you can work through your situation. We all need each others prayers & support.

Gordos, thank you and EJ for the helpful words. They have really meant so much to my peace of mind. :)

When we fall short of the glory of God and just don't have the energy to return their hate with love, we are not faulted for that. God understands. All we are expected to do is to try our best and to hear the Word: to forgive is divine.

Exactly epic. Good advice here. Littlemom, as gordos said, he estranged you. That is on him. What is your responsibility is only to act as a Christian woman. Don't let those topics on forgiveness confuse you. Whether they are accurate or not. It is never wrong to forgive. Remember as epic said. To forgive is divine. When you forgive someone you can release yourself from that hurt as gordos told you. It speaks well of your character that you want to reach out to someone who has been unkind to you. Much like we parents want to reach out to our children who have broken our hearts. Always have a heart for forgiveness but also guard your heart from abuse. Forgiving doesn't mean you have to put yourself back in the situation. If you want to try, then try with the understanding first that you may get hurt. If you know going in that you are going into battle, it may make the fight easier to take.

Hope that makes sense.

Gordos, what is the condition of your father at this point? Im so very sorry for what you are going through. God will be pleased with your giving heart. That you stood apart from the ugliness but were there for your father. Bless you friend.

Littlemom; There is a you-tube video by Pastor TD Jakes that was recommended to me when I first came to ds. I have referred people to it many times. It might help.

It is called: Let Them Walk.....please use this link, other versions cut off some of the message that I feel is important. Let me know what you think. I recommend it to all of the parents here. Its hard to hear, you may cry, I did. But he is correct. Let me know.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pketb6gxR3w

Update. We have decided to put my dad in hospice, keep him out of pain, & let him go. We have decided that it is not doing him any service keeping him alive when he so obviously wants to die. My difficult sister is not wanting to let go, but she has always been the favorite & Im sure doesn't want to lose that. She is being selfish.

Thank you for the update. I know you are very busy. Your mind must be reeling. Hospice will be so good for him. He will be without pain. It is one thing we should be able to ask for in this life, to be without pain, especially as our life draws to a close.

Can you communicate with him at all? Its not uncommon for siblings, even in the closest families to be at odds with end of life situations. You are doing well. Hold strong. God bless you

gordos, Hospice nurses are the best. My dad had it many years ago. You are giving him freedom from pain and dignity. After a certain age (like my mother) it is not fair for them to be put through anything.

God bless you, our sister.

Thank you nana & linda, I appreciate it. He is suffering so bad, I cant stand witnessing it anymore, it's too painful, & I cant imagine how much pain he is in. He cant even get up at all anymore & go to the bathroom. I know he wants to let go...