CanadianMother - I would have done exactly what you did. I probably would have added that while I am so happy to hear her voice, I had company and tell her that tomorrow you will keep your whole day open for when she has time to call.

Again, these adult children with their entitlement attitudes. I know many, many parents who are not even estranged from their adult children have AC who want their parents to drop everything for them and are angry that their parents have a life without them being the center of it.

Involvement with adult children is far more difficult than when they were teenagers. But God wants us as parents to continue our lives after they are raised and released into the world.

Hi NCEC. I'm glad you are on here and are willing to hear from us as much as many of us want to hear from you. My thoughts on why your father won't email your husband are this: He may feel you are putting another person between him and you when all he really wants is you, at least at first. My ED has done a similar thing to me but unlike you, I do not like my daughter's choice in men and hold him responsible for instigating the destruction of our relationship with our daughter. The way I feel, setting aside those facts though, is that having to go "through" a third person, whether liked or not, is another way of shunning me. My situation is much different from yours, however, in that I am not hostile like your father - my daughter is the hostile one. I have not been "allowed" to even speak to her for over 2 years because of her husband. Your dad may not say it, but he may feel he's being treated as a child who needs to be "put in his place". In my situation, I am deeply insulted by this subtle plot since it is all part of my ED's husbands design to slander our family's character and "brand" us abusive, which is how he justifies his supposedly "christian" behavior toward our ED and us. He claims he is "protecting" her from us when there has never been a shred of abuse of any kind in our home. It's all part of his slander campaign. Our situations on this site are much different than yours in that our children have estranged from us and I applaud you for being willing to work on a relationship with an absentee father of 28 years. I can't begin to imagine how that feels. The one thing I would encourage you to do for him is to read every passage you can find in the bible in regard to parents and children. Proverbs is full of them. As you prepare to become a parent yourself, you will realize what a heavy burden it is to accept. The honor due a parent was so important to God that he included it right in the middle of the "big ten" commandments. The onus of responsibility to carry this honor out lies directly on the shoulders of the children, regardless of what kind of parent we had. I would also suggest doing an in-depth word study of the biblical use of the word "honor" in this commandment. Every human alive is someones child but not everyone gets to chance to be a parent and share in a smidgen of the miracle of creation with our Maker. You will only bring the blessings of God down on you and your family by spending your life finding a way to honor your dad. He is undeserving of honor, if you ask the carnal me, but what a great lesson in grace you have with him. Don't give up.

Thank you, Norske. My jaw was more or less on the floor, and I was rather shaken, so I wouldn't say I had the presence of mind to suggest a conversation the following day. I handled it as best I could, but that was not good enough for my daughter.

NCEC prayers for you and I hope that you and your father will work out things. Your comments about not pining for a relationship really hit me hard. I don't want to offend anyone on this site. That is the last thing any of us need with what we've been through, whether we are hurting parents or children. I am just surprised. I thought this was a safe place for parents (or as safe as it can be on the internet). I didn't realize this was a site for estranged children and estranged parents.

Sovery is right. Our prayer (mothers here) are fervently praying for our EC to have a desire to have us in their lives. That would be God's way.

Thanks All. Interesting food for thought. Norske we are on seperate continents on opposit sides of the globe. In my life I have travelled 5 times to see him, he has never come here (last time I asked he said ok Ill be there in 8 days. When I would not quit my job to host him exclusively he said I mustnt love him so he wouldnt come - with 3 days notice. I had already aranged emergency leave and everything. Nothing is ever enough for him.). I cannot afford to keep trying face to face in that manner. I no longer skype him as I found him downright cruel. He will to this day defend to you why it is ok for him to watch my crying, saying Im sorry and I love you over and over, and respond only with a scornful 'you saying you love me is like putting a dress on a stinky muddy pig'. He will laugh to you about what a 'half baked looney tune who needs to be medicated' I am for being hurt when he makes comments like that. Now, with my own bub on board, I just cant expose us to that level of stress anymore. Its not healthy. We maintained the avenue of communication via my husband on the advice of our Pastor and reading the bible - passages like a child shall leave their parents and cleave to their spouse, a man shall protect his wife, warn a divisive man twice and then reject him, and honour your mother and father IN THE WAY OF THE LORD (we do not believe his behaviour is in the way of the Lord).

I understand the 'Im not pining' statement his a hard hitter. But it is the truth.I am not leading some miserable existance staring unblinking at my emails in hope he will deign to write me so I can fall down at his feet straight away (within six minutes!) It is a hard truth, but it is the truth. I wish he understood that. Not to hurt him, but to understand my world does not revolve around him and I am not respinsible for making him feel better (I wish I could and Lord knows I tried to my own detriment) Only then, perhaps, can he start to heal his own wounds and when he does I will be with him everystep of the way. As a supportive daughter, not a sacrificial lamb.

It is really educational to hear all your perspectives. Thanks again.

NCEC, your situation is much different than most of ours, I think. We are not cruel to our children…or at least I know I'm not.

The fact that you are on here tells me that you are trying to say you don't "pine" for a relationship, when in actual fact you do. Otherwise you would not be on here reading our comments.

I agree again with CanadianMother. It is time for you, NCEC, to "let go and let God". I would send him one more email saying that while you both seem to have tried for a relationship, you are moving forward. If he wants to wor on a relationship, he can come visit you.

Then change your email address and move forward. I'm guessing maybe you have a great father-in-law who loves having you in the family.

I would love a relationship and am here doimg my bit to bit learn about my role in that. But Im not pineing - or unhappy - beacause of the lack of relationship (not anymore) He doesnt believe he is cruel. I find that unfathomable as he feels so cruel to me. That is in part why I am here, to understand how that could possible be. And in being here I observe many loving parents and their perspective of why they do and say what they do . It has helped me grow in compassion for my EF point of view.

NCEC, it might help you to tell you some of my own situation. My own children might tell you that I am cruel as well. For all I know, you could be one of them…..

Would you be interested in the story?

Thanks Norske but he would just see that as an ultimatum. I have already sent my goodbye email 3 montha agi and left the door open via my husband and I together. He is just going tovhave to respect that and if that never happens then so be it.

I agree our situations are all unique, but in broad concept I do believe my situation is the flip side of many (not all) stories I read here. For me that is what makes it so valuable and educational.

Sure CanadianMother, If you want to share it and its not too distressing for you to recount. Thanks.

NCEC, you said he was estranged for 28 years. If you have not been around him for any extended period of time, maybe you are misinterpreting the meaning behind his words and behavior with you. Your dad clearly is reaching out to you and keeps trying. If he is not asking you for money or anything else he must sincerely want a relationship with his daughter and her family, soon a grandbaby. Have you spent much time with him in person and learned much about him - from him, not what others have said about him?

Ah, a big screen and a keyboard. So much easier to read and reply now! I really shouldn't try to write so much on my phone, sorry for the multiple replies.

As I read through again I want to acknowledge Rosearch's reply. I've read it a lot as it sounds so familiar - from the other side of the coin. I really appreciated your perspective, Rosearch.
I guess, I AM shunning (seems like the wrong word) a part of my EF by only wanting to communicate with him if my husband present. I am shunning the part of him that hurts me - what I perceive as private attacks from him. He doesn't see them as attacks - therefore he says I am lying, slandering, et al. I'm not. I was legitimately hurt and when I took that to him he dismissed my feelings and replaced them with accusations such as 'liar' which alienated and hurt me further.

It was a horrible spiral and one that I've stepped away from now. I feel I have 'let go and let God' and I wanted to share here what that looked like from an EC perspective. I've read about y'all writing messages just like his (eg Happy birthday, I love you) and being hurt by a lack of response from your EC. Letting go and letting God means I just can't buy into that from him anymore. I don't want to hurt him by ignoring him, not at all, but i need him to make some effort to respect my boundaries and have enough respect/compassion towards me to believe me when I say 'that hurt me'. His actions of how he approached me over shadow/speak louder than the words 'but I love you'. It's not a condition, I'm not 'holding out' for him to behave a certain way. Ive just set my boundary and moved on.

Hi Loss2 big. Yes with the exception of 1 court date when I was little I found him and reached out to him when I was 28. I am now 30, soon to be 31. There have been squillions of emails & skypes and as mentioned I have travelled there 3 times as an adult (5 all up) to invest in getting to know him in person. The first time he was lovely. The second and third times he was an absolute *beep*.

There are no 'third parties' from which I could have heard 'about' him. I never knew any of that side of the family, nor did they know of my existence (he never told anyone about me). I now have wonderful relationships with my grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins.

If he genuinely wanted a relationship with me, wouldn't he have some, even minor, regard for my feelings and my boundaries? He says he does but then in action tromps all over them like in the messages I mention in the original posts.

NCEC, it does sound as though your father is not able to respect your boundaries. It is good of you to try to reach out to him, but understandable that you don't want to get hurt.

I was going to tell you about my situation, but it is very different than yours. I raised my children and loved every minute of it.

My son is a drug addict. He began turning against me when his father and I separated, I suspect because his father had no rules in his house, and so my son could do all the drugs he wanted, and as long as he told my ex he wasn't (doing drugs) my ex was free to be an absentee father.

The issues with my daughter have been more recent, but involve my son.

Long story short, she told me one night at dinner in a restaurant that my son was driving while stoned with his children in the car, she told me that one of his friends was doing cocaine in the house while my grandchildren were present. She further told me that he had a party at which there were cocaine dealers and hookers, and someone fell down the stairs at 4:00 in the morning and died, leaving behind a 3 year old son.

I fell apart, as any mother would do. I went home and was essentially ignored. Eventually I went to Child Protective Services and told them what my daughter had told me. I was bawling my eyes out, crying out of concern for my son and for my grandchildren.

So, tell me, am I cruel, or was I acting as any responsible person would act?

This is the essence of what has happened with my children. There of course are other sidebars, but this is really the crux of it.

So, I have been ostracized. My children have further gone to my siblings and cried on their shoulders about me.

My ex husband is wealthy, and continues to give them trips, vehicles, etc. He has created a situation where my son has any reason to get help for his drug problem. He has enabled.

I could go on and on, but I think this is enough to give you a picture of what I'm dealing with. My children both live within an hour of my home, but I don't see them or hear from them, and I don't see my three grandchildren.

I have offered to pay for my son to go to rehab. I have apologized for mistakes I made in my marriage to their father. Nothing helps. I've never said a mean word to my children. I've always been encouraging, supportive, and kind. I love them. I really do. For some reason both they and my ex husband need to believe that everything wrong in their lives is because of me. So, I've exited their lives for good and expect that the chaos will continue… my life is quite peaceful and serene…. so how can their problems be because of me?

So, NCEC, this is another perspective for you to consider.

I would do anything to have my children back in my life, as long as I'm treated with kindness and the respect I deserve by virtue of the fact that I gave them life, and I raised them.