It sounds like you have thought this through and I agree with what you said about if she doesn't respond to your text, that would be the last text she received.

But as a good daughter and good Christian, you want to please your mother during the time she has left here. I would definitely text my daughter and tell her of Grandma's prognosis and that she has been asking for her. Even if your ED chooses to come when you aren't there, at least your mother will have seen her. That's the important thing.

On the off chance that your ED has become so hardened (like my ES has) and doesn't respond, when your mom asks just tell her you have tried to reach her but maybe she has a different phone and you don't have the number. At least she will know you tried.

Last thought - if you know her phone number, let your mother call it and if she has to leave a voicemail, your ED will have that and if she doesn't respond to Grandma's voice, gosh, she has become as hardened as so many of our EC. I pray that she will respond.

Thank you Norske1 Your response was so precious and so full of wisdom. God bless you.

linda...Isn't it a shame that we have to be in such a tizzy about what the right thing to do over circumstances such as this?? We seem to fret about these things while they don't seem to show any interest at all. Yet, not matter what we do, they will say that they wanted the opposite of what we thought was the right thing to do. I think the old saying by Abraham Lincoln..."“You can please some of the people all of the time, you can please all of the people some of the time, but you can’t please all of the people all of the time”. I would add to that...."and you can't please our EK's at anytime!"LOL

Seriously though, Norske said it all really. I would only add that unless they have specifically stated that they do not want you to contact them, then it is best to inform them of things that "should be" important to them and let the decisions to do or not to do lie with them. Then they really have not justifiable reason to point the finger at you.

Thank you for your wisdom Mom2Guel I love the Abraham Lincoln quote. How true it is of our EKs. Sad but true. Our EK have made life so complicated for us and it even adds more stress to sad times.

God bless us all.

lindajoan I agree with all that has been said. Do what you would do in a normal situation and leave the response to your ED. Let there always be an open hand on your side, so your daughter will know that whatever happens it is on her.

Thank you Tikva You are right. I am so thankful that we have each other, here. God bless.

I agree. My ED told me last month when I wanted to be included on the GC's facebooks that she didn't want me in their lives and NO I would not be included even though she has included the grandparents on his side and she HATES them more angrier than me.

But these are Her husband's family...and this is something he wants. And just like the controlling freak that he is with ocd and perfectionism, he delights in the estrangement of daughter and mother. Can one such as this man spoil any good will on my part? yes.

Both my ED's grandparents are 88. My father was diagnosed with cancer and I sent her text messages about his hospitalization...etc. She never contacted him when he really needed to hear from her.

Then she out of the blue sent him a 14 page letter filled with distortions and lies about our family. My parents are divorced, but stay in touch. She wrote this composite of lies and such to defend her horrid behavior.

And now my mother plans to address my ED's misconceptions and distortions made to her grandfather.

So does the mess just keep swirling around and around? No...not from me. I am detached...mentally and emotionally for my own sanity.

It is our EC's responsibility to keep up with the older family members. She knows her grandparents are in their 80's. But if they asked me to intercede, I would.

And when her grandfather was really Ill....and when she sent him a 14 page letter filled with ugliness attacking family members...and when she ignored him WHEN he was hospitalized....but waited on her own selfish agenda to interact shows who she really is.

I am ashamed and embarrassed by her actions and the ugliness she spews. But they are hers and not mine and she can be judged accordingly.

So very true claudiajane I am sorry that your father had to go through that. How awful for an elderly person to receive that kind of letter. DH and I were recipients of that kind of letter.

It Is shameful and dishonoring to us and especially to the way God would have wanted things to be in a family. You are right, though, they must answer for their own actions.

God bless you.

Thank you Linda Joan.

You and I both know this life is fleeting. We are here for such a short time when compared to eternity. And in the years ahead I will focus on the goodness in my heart.

No ugliness from me. My ED will not impact my happiness or peace of mind. I wish her well and pray for her, but the daughter I cherished and loved is gone. I don't recognize her replacement. If I think back to the past, it is the sadness I feel for the daughter I Lost.

claudiajane - I feel the same way. The son I cherished and loved is gone. I watched him go from being a happy-go-lucky loving, funny young man to a mean, vicious, hateful person and it was like watching a movie in slow motion.

The sadness of losing my good son is worse than the estrangement because even if we reconcile, that son is lost forever. I don't know his replacement either.

But we must remember God will not close a window without opening a door.

You sure speak truth Claudiajane Some day years from now (it takes maturity and years of living I think) our EC may realize that no matter how many years of life God gives to them it went quickly.

It is sad, but I agree, that our EC (speaking for our ED) is not the same person. I grieve the loss of our ED, for now.

I think this is one of the most difficult things about estrangement from my son. He is a different person now than the young boy that I knew. We were so close when he was little, and I watched him distance himself from us drop by drop. It seems like as he started to relate to other people outside the family, he began to identify with them more than with us, and when he met his first girlfriend, he discovered something even more powerful: sex.

He was able to be someone else with them, someone who had no responsibility, who would not be reprimanded for things like stealing, plagiarizing in school, cheating. He could fake them out. He couldn't fake us out, because we were watching, and we cared about what he was doing. They didn't.
His girlfriend basically used him. She was somewhat borderline and this intrigued my son, and of course, she was sexually enticing. This is a drug to a 15 year old boy.

He became a part of their world and divorced himself from ours. Then when that relationship was going south, I believe his girlfriend tried to keep him by getting pregnant. He did stay around and tried to be a father to the baby, but the girl decided she didn't want him any more and broke off the engagement. By then he was already a stranger to us. And when he found another girl he did the same thing by gravitating towards her family and her life.

I pray that some day I will have a relationship with my son, but it will not be with the same person. Perhaps if he truly repents and finds a real relationship with the Lord, he will be able to see life in a more honest way.

It is a hard situation.

Both my mom and my MIL were ill at the same time.

Dh's family texted my ED whether she wanted to be in the loop or not.

I didn't tell my ED (mainly b/c it was after the fact that my mom told me she had been hospitalized for a week b/c of a heart attack).

Also, ED has not acknowledged cards, $$ gifts, etc., that my mom has sent her for her birthday and Christmas.

I suppose I was angry and thought, "If she doesn't acknowledge those, why would she care?"

My husband had emailed ED with some further info on his mom and said my mom had been hospitalized as well.

ED never responded to our emails, but I did see where she dissed us to someone after this happened.

My mom is not doing well either. She's losing weight, is having trouble with her medications, etc. I honestly don't know if she'll recover fully.

I will text my ED when my mom passes, but if there is no acknowledgement, that will be it.

I will always love her and forgive her, but the reconciliation will have to be initiated by her.

Tikva Your ES sounds a lot like our ED. She always wanted to be in new environments where she was not known. That is because we (parents) know the true them and once others see their true colors they want to run again and move on. It happened to our ED many times since she left home a year and a half ago.

donnarose81 How unloving and disrespectful of our EC to ignore the illnesses and the last stage of life of their elderly grandparents. If my ED refuses to see her grandmother. now, who she always said that she loved more than me then I will choose not make her aware of any homegoing. I believe that one must be honored while they are here.

Releasing, Releasing, Releasing. It's so hard. It's like releasing on your arm or your leg. I'm beginning to release on my grandson. I know I will not be seeing him. But I will always love him. I will be open if someday when he an adult, he wants to see me and maybe talk about the other side of his family. I don't expect that he will be terribly interested in having a relationship as you would with family. And I have to prepare myself that his mother and her parents will raise him to think I am a bad person because I asked the pastor to talk to them and "prophesied" that there might be fire where there was smoke.

It really is like putting him on the altar and walking away, and trusting him into the hand of the Lord. But I have to know that that is the safest place he could be.

My son has to grow up, and he has to repent and come to the Lord for real. And that could take decades. Again placing him on the altar is all I can do. Having an open heart and at the same time releasing on him and going on to live life without him. It's so hard.