CHRISTIAN PARENTS of ESTRANGED ADULT CHILDREN Community Group

Estrangement makes it difficult to talk about with family, friends, neighbors and church members. Christians are NOT immune to broken families. Talk about your experiences with those who know how you feel and get positive support through your Christian faith...."In these last days difficult times will come, for men will be lovers of self...disobedient to parents,...

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/ CHRISTIAN PARENTS of ESTRANGED ADULT CHILDREN Support Group

I never, in a million years, thought this would ha

blessedfromnc
blessedfromnc
We were a happy, loving Christian family...then in 1997 my husband was killed in a car wreck with my eldest daughter (now my ED). She survived, with hardly a scratch. She was very close to her father. Neither daughter would hardly talk about him. They were 16 & 19. I know each person grieves differently (I am a grief group leader now) but they would not talk about him at all. The youngest daughter was into some rebellion before he passed but I thought she had made amends with him. Time passed, I grieved, cried and was open in my talking about it. It seems like a year or so later I had healed so much. I prayed that God would bring another wonderful Godly man into my life and 7 years later I married him. I was so happy. Now my girls were older and beginning to clearly run away from God. my ED moved to the L.A. area the other still in my city. The last few conversations I had with my ED I encouraged her that God loved her so much and to return to him. I did not hound her at all. She pretty much told me through indirect ways that she was angry to be raised a Christian. She said things like "I am angry to those that wrote the Christian books and produced the Kids Christian DVDS". I would gently tell her to keep talking to God and to keep the communication open. I NEVER shamed her or showed her anything but love. 3 1/2 years ago she wrote me a letter and it said to stop communicating with her. I was shocked, and still am. In those years she seemed to be drifting from God I would may talk to her every 9-12 months about God. And even then it was brief and meant to encourage. She has cut off the whole family and it is hard watching people like my mother reach out to her only to be hurt. I should mention she (ED) and my youngest ED have had many mental illness diagnoses such as anxiety, depression , bi-polar etc. I have tried to be supportive, took classes on it etc. Now my youngest daughter, who rarely communicates with me called me to tell me she is ANGRY at her father and he was a horrible father. I sat there in complete shock as she said he "did not love her" and went on and on about him. He was a WONDERFUL father and I do not see where she is coming from, but knew enough not to dispute anything except to tell her he DID love her very much. She is a very sensitive child (takes after me) but truly he was a great father. Now I am preparing to go back to see her (we are now 18 hours away from her) and to try to support her in any way I can. But this is SOOOO HARD listening to what I believe is lies from the enemy to destroy the memory of a wonderful and Godly man.
I just don't know how we got here. One minute a happy family of four and now I have one complete ED and the other partially so because she said her depression keeps her isolated so pretty much hardly any contact with her either. I have cried so much, prayed and I fast each and every Wednesday for my children to return to God and me. I pray for their emotional healing , spiritual healing , relationally healing and to see the Holy Spirit move in their lives to draw them to our awesome God. Now I am on staff at a church, States away, and sometimes I feel the enemy saying, "What right do you have to work with children when your own family is so messed up?"
Thank you for listening. I hit a wall last night after some very bad dreams about them and I am so tired but will hold my head up and trust God for them. I love them soooo much.
luke2231
luke2231
BlessedfromNC, you are here among friends and those that understand and grieve with you. I am so sorry for the incredible losses you have and are facing! There hardly seems to be any explanation as to why this generation feels that their troubles are completely our fault and we can be discarded as easily as we apparently are. As someone relatively new to this, I just want to say that this group is so encouraging, helpful, inspirational and uplifting. We all have bad days when we feel that even with all the prayer in the world, the situation is hopeless. It's not, but it's so easy to let the thoughts of the enemy take root when we don't think we can hold on any longer. My ES lives far away too and I tend to have all these "if he only lived closer, I could have _________" or "he'd see that ________." The thing I keep having to tell myself is that he's not too far from God's heart and He is working even though I don't see it.

I would hazard a guess that even though you were gentle with your daughter about her Christian upbringing, she has blinders on and pushing you away is easier than confronting her mistakes, bad choices and desire to continue living without Him. My son, when he told me we couldn't have any more contact told me it wasn't about me, but about him. I think that's true for so many of our EC - they know in their heart of hearts that we haven't really done anything wrong, but it's easier to blame us for their unhappiness than take responsibility themselves. If we're close to them, we remind them of how they haven't lived life the way they were raised.

Please know you have a safe place to vent and we will pray along with you for reconciliation for your ED(s) and all our children!
AmmiJoyce
AmmiJoyce
Your prayer for your EDs, is like my prayer for my ES.. I don't even know what to say, and feel so tired. But when I pray for my ES, I'll pray for your EDs.
blessedfromnc
blessedfromnc
Thanks Luke. You were very encouraging. I agree if we were close to them we would thump them on the head and say, "what's wrong with you ,you were raised better than that!" like an Italian mother :). But something happens when they get more and more distant and we try to hang on to what we have. I would have confronted them in raising them, that is for certain. And on another note, I know they are in God's hands but it hurts so much to have MY VERY OWN children, whom I raised to love Him with their heart , mind and soul, reject HIM and HURT HIM so much. Almost indescribable pain to know my children are doing that. But on a lighter note ( :) ) God showed me once a picture of my ED . I first saw she was running and then it pans back and I see she is on a treadmill.... in the hand of God. It was almost comical. God spoke to my spirit and told me that she thought she was running from him but he had her in his hand all along. Anyway, thanks for your note. I appreciate the words because I have been in tears all day and sometimes I don't think anyone understands and if anything they blame because after all...(if we raised them right they would not have done that, right?)
blessedfromnc
blessedfromnc
Thank you so much AmmiJoyce! I consider prayers a true gift! I will pray for your son too!
dmw56
dmw56
Sharing your pain, and I will be praying for you. Stand strong and know you are not alone in what has happened to your family. Others may not understand, but we all do. God Bless you!
faith304
faith304
My sons finally made peace with God after almost 20 years after the loss of their Father. They revealed to me how angry they were at God, people and even their Father. But, now, I am the enemy! Go figure. I know I ignored many "red flags", but God knows I tried my best being the best Mother anyone could be. My therapist told me sometimes it takes many years for grieving . All along, you keep passing the blame to release the anger. My prayers go out to you.
blessedfromnc
blessedfromnc
Thank you faith and dmw! Your words help. Just knowing that others hear me and don't judge me helps immensely. I have wondered if my youngest daughter was really angry at her father or perhaps herself for being so rebellious before his death... or even God. So happy to hear your sons have made peace with God. We are coming up on the 20 year mark next summer.
Sommersmom
Sommersmom
Welcome to this site blessed. We are all so sorry for the circumstances that brought you here, and we can all relate to the pain you're experiencing.
My ED also told me she resented being raised christian, that she doesn't believe in Jesus, and didn't enjoy learning the Bible. She estranged from both her dad and I, but has reconciled with her dad who is also an atheist.
We all understand how painful the lies can be, all of our EC's seem to have lying about us in common, so I'm sorry to say, your daughter's words about her loving dad are not uncommon for troubled adult children. They feel the need to recreate their past reality into something horrible in order to seek the pity of others, and label themselves "survivors." We all shake our heads wondering where in the world all these delusions they tell about us came from!
I will lift you up in prayer blessed. I pray The Lord fills you with the peace, only He can offer.
lindajoan
lindajoan
I am so very sorry for your loss. It seems as if the girls became angry with God. Those were hard ages to go through this loss and in the way it took place. When our EC become angry with God or even with themselves it often causes them to lash out with lies and false accusations. Our ED did this when she left home 4 years ago for greener pastures (she thought).

We pray our EC would come back to God (as in our ED's case) or find God. Then we pray that He will lead them to desire peace with family.

It must be hard to live a distance away but it is also hard to live close. Our ED is very close by.
IronCowgirl
IronCowgirl
Wish I had answers for you as to why this happened. So many of us raised our kids in the church and taught them about Jesus only to have them turn their backs on God and us. And this happens to pastors also. There are many stories of reconciliation but there are many of our EC who still reject Jesus. My ES called me a hypocrite in almost every e-mail or text to me. The last thing he said was that he will never step another foot inside a church except for a wedding or a funeral.

We did our job...trained them up. For my ES, I believe he turned away from God because I got divorced. Yours may be because they could not deal with their dad's death. We can never be sure until and if they ever talk to us. Right now, we have to place them in the Lord's hands and pray for precious, Godly people to come into their lives and maybe help them come back. Whichever way the Lord uses, we just need to not give up on them and keep praying.
blessedfromnc
blessedfromnc
Thank you IronCowgirl, lindajoan and Sommersmom. Your words mean more to me than you know. I have prayed for all your EC just a moment ago. Thank you for taking the time to encourage this Mom!
luke2231
luke2231
Blessed, I am walking this right there along with you! I loved the picture God gave you about your daughter on the treadmill! As a runner, I can relate to it in more ways than one. I prefer running outdoors because I always feel like I'm "getting somewhere," as opposed to running on a treadmill going no where. Just because I'm stationary doesn't mean though that progress isn't being made though! That's a great mental image for me and from now on when I run on a treadmill I'll remember to pray for all our wayward kids!
feellinghelpless
feellinghelpless
Blessed, welcome to this site and keep praying. I had an ED for 2 and a half years (drop in the bucket compared to many, but still as painful). I don't think these kids even know why they're doing what they are. Yours have mental health issues and never dealt with their father's death. That's really tough. When my daughter left, she left a note saying it's all my fault. When she came back she blamed it on her depression.
lucy76
lucy76
BlessedfromNC, First off, you are doing great, know that first and foremost. You have every right to work with kids, because your kids' choices do not define your soul's intentions. THEY ran from God, you didn't KEEP them from God, so shut the door on the devil when he starts in with that lie. His lies are poison, don't swallow them.

I'm sorry that your daughters have taken this road. L.A. is a scary creature, there's a whole different way of thinking out there and it doesn't surprise me that the more time your daughter spends there the more depressed and unhappy she gets and remembers her past differently than it actually was. The nature of the beast is to morph reality and skew the real view of it. Have faith that God is working in her, actually, I'd be more worried if she were happy go lucky out there. The fact that she is going through emotional turmoil means that the way she is living her life doesn't align with what her heart knows is right and she's in spiritual warfare. God is working on her from within, and that's usually about as comfortable as cleansing a wound. Give her time, be encouraged that God is at work.

The way your other daughter wants to re-write the past isn't ok. Don't take it on to task to list all the rights over the wrongs, but you do not owe her the air space to hear her say bad things about your husband. Yes, he is her dad and yes she has a right to say whatever she wants, but not to you. If she needs to vent about some false victimization that is what counselors are for. You don't owe her the air space to spew those hateful things. Next time it happens tell her that you patiently listened the last time she vented and had many things to say about her father, but that you won't listen to her run down a man that loved her and his whole family and that you will not listen to her defame the love of your life and if she feels an uncontrollable need to discuss things she needs to seek someone out who isn't personally connected to the situation. It's ok to draw a hard line. Estrangement will come or not, but if you continue to hear her out she will start to believe you remember that stuff too and agree with her feelings. He deserves to be defended to the extent that you shut those type of conversations down. You can say that if she'd like to talk about anything else you are open to that, but your husband is not going to be part of the discussion if it is negative.

I hope God continues to work in your family and some peace comes soon.

I'm also sending you a private message in messages.
blessedfromnc
blessedfromnc
Thank you everyone for your encouraging words! This is very therapeutic to be ale to really express how I feel and not stuffing my emotions over and over again. Like I said I had dreams and I think that I wake up feeling exhausted and down some mornings. Your insights are very welcome. I only hope that I cam encourage you at times, when you need it, the way you have encouraged me!