CHRISTIAN PARENTS of ESTRANGED ADULT CHILDREN Community Group

Estrangement makes it difficult to talk about with family, friends, neighbors and church members. Christians are NOT immune to broken families. Talk about your experiences with those who know how you feel and get positive support through your Christian faith...."In these last days difficult times will come, for men will be lovers of self...disobedient to parents,...

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poodlegirl61 01/26/2016

Last night my husband asked me if I wanted to see a recent picture of our ES. He said that someone he knows was able to get into Facebook to see it, so she somehow forwarded the picture to him. So I said sure, and he showed me the picture. In the photo, my son is holding both of the grandsons (one whom I have never even met) and he is smiling and looks so happy. The children look well, too. Now here is my confession....I admit it, it hurt me to see him look so HAPPY! I guess I should be glad he is happy and well, but part of me (a BIG part of me) really wants him to be miserable and hurting, like he has hurt me. A part of me thought, how dare him be so happy and carefree when he has hurt his own mother this way?!? Don't get me wrong, I am glad he is well, I just wish he wasn't quite as happy as the picture portrayed. And of course I know just because he looks happy in the photo, doesn't mean he is really all that happy in real life. We all know how Facebook is. Anyway, for the rest of the evening I just felt miserable. And then I started chastising myself, like what kind of mother wants her own kid to be unhappy? I prayed about it, and I do feel better, but I just felt like I had to get that off my chest. Have any of you ever felt the same way? That deep down you kind of don't want your EC to be happy? And then feel bad when you perceive they are happy? Anyone?

ruthsandraschilling 01/28/2016

It is my Sons 40 birthday on 9th March. So sad to not be celebrating it with him. It's my birthday on the 6th and it happens to be Mothers Day.. It will not be an easy day to face or get through.

feellinghelpless 01/28/2016

Poodle, I know how you feel. When my ED was still estranged the only pics I saw of her was her wedding pics when a friend found them and with my permission sent them to me. That's how I found out she got married. The happiest day of her life and we weren't there. Her husband's grandmother taking over both my and my husband's duties, but the worst was her smile. Of course, she's getting married, why shouldn't she smile? But it was hurtful to the core. I babysit for her now and her apt. is full of wedding pics. I try not to look at the walls. It will always hurt.

missingourson 01/29/2016

My opinion is that our ES never thinks about us unless it is something that he might need and momentarily remembers when he could get anything he wanted. He has no idea of how greatly and deeply hurt I am. DH says it will take a lot of healing to be able to fully forgive him for the deep hurt he has caused. However, we pray for him and the GC constantly and ask God to give us forgiving hearts. When we forgive them, it is more for us than for them. I am still trying and praying for a spirit of forgiveness. I know that I was always so close to my parents. Every Saturday we spent with them and we would talk on the phone at least once a week. We took them to lunch every Saturday many times going to McDonald's because ES wanted that. Our son was included on every phone call and was extremely close to them as well. Having that example in his life, I totally cannot begin to understand how he could do this to his parents.

ruthsandraschilling 01/30/2016

Hi Missingourson, I fully understand how you feel. I was very close to my Parents and wouldn't have done anything to hurt them. Had so much respect for them. They were quite old when they had me, being the youngest of nine children. I made sure I was there for them till the end. Couldn't do enough. Today the young are disrespecful, self centred. It's all about them. What we are going through is hard to deal with.

Norske1 01/30/2016

Today's children are definitely different than we were. My ES, who returned when my husband died of cancer, was very into calling, texting, skype, etc. at first. He and his family were here at Christmas Day and we seemed to have a wonderful time. Then hadn't heard from him so 2 weeks ago I called him to chat. He told me he hoped some day his wife would want to be my friend on FB. Now it has been another 2 weeks and haven't head from him.

I feel that as time passes, he will forget about me again as the pain of the loss of his father diminishes. I guess I have to accept and pray.

But I do wonder, as I see other families so connected, what went wrong with us.

faith304 01/30/2016

after 6mos. of estrangement, my youngest called and invited me to lunch. Afterwards, I thanked him and told him how much I enjoyed the time spent with him. He replied that he loved me and enjoyed being with me, after all you are my Mother. The only Mother I will ever have. He added a day never passed w/o thinking of you. Then the estrangement began again, no phone calls, visits.... or replies to mine.

Norske1 I don't have the answer, but I can't believe we are not on their minds . Is it pride?
or ????
I understand your feelings, but best of all God does too.

Norske1 01/30/2016

I don't understand these kids, other than it is on their time because after all, it is all about them.

Well, about 2 hours after I posted that I hadn't heard from my ES in 2 weeks, he texted me and asked if I had time to skype. Of course! So he and his daughter skyped with me for about 30 minutes, then his wife came home and briefly stuck her head into the camera and said "Hi" and she was off to take a nap. Well, at least my son did contact me so maybe he is a every 2 to 3 week son, who knows.

I agree that you son has you on his mind and he will be contacting you again for lunch - but as I have learned, "in their time".

faith304 01/30/2016

Norske1, OH OF COURSE! I wouldn't want to inconvenience them. That would be rude!

lindajoan 01/30/2016

Norske, That is a praise that you heard from your son.

givingupcontrol 01/30/2016

As far as being sad when we see our EC happy, I totally get it Our ED is a prodigal, so when I see pictures of her or get an occasional text from her and she seems like she's doing great, it makes me sad because I feel like she is far from being sick of eating out of the pig's trough. She has some serious repenting and "coming into reality" issues, and while she is comfortable and happy, I don't think those things will happen.

So, I know all of our specific situations are a little different here, but I totally understand how you feel. We have to trust that God is working, even when we can't see it. Sometimes I pray and ask Him for a glimpse of confirmation that He is involved in our situation, and it's amazing to see how He gently encourages us in different ways. I need to pray for that again, so thank you for reminding me :)
Hugs

soverysadmom 02/01/2016

I have felt the same way upon seeing a picture. I wonder how es can go about his daily life and be so happy and the thought of his parents' sadness never enters his mind.

ruthsandraschilling 02/01/2016

Hi soverysadmom, from one sad mom to another... I despair that our children do not understand or care how much they have hurt us. It is so cruel. Hard to understand their thinking...let alone know where their hearts are.if they ever felt anything about us..where did it go!! I am very forgiving and if find it impossible to live with this hanging over me all the time. It is never far away no matter what I am doing.

soverysadmom 02/01/2016

Yes Ruth Sandra. It is like a dark cloud hanging over. I look at es picture and think I don't know this person.

Norske1 02/01/2016

I felt the same, savery....... And now that I am reconnected (somewhat), I still feel like I don't know him anymore. Once in awhile he will say something or get a look on his face that says the old kid is still there. My prayer is that the old kid resurfaces and the estranged one goes away.

lindajoan 02/01/2016

There is always a hole and missing piece where the EC should be. It is due to sin. Lack of peace Is not the way God planned for families.

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