I have the same problem as you. I feel so guilty buying for one and not the other just because THE PARENTS object. Open up a savings account and depositing money on those special times when gifts are given. You will have proof that deposits were made to show the gs when they are older and feel or been told you didn't even care enough to send presents on ??? . I am sure the day will come when they start asking, Where were you when????? You will have something to show that you were thinking of them.

There is no winning with our ECs - damned if we do, damned if we don't. I came to a point of feeling I can't be the only one fighting for our relationships anymore. It's been a one way street for so long. I reached a place of exhaustion where I had to place the fight in God's hands and let Him deal with it. It brought me peace and I hope it will bring you peace as well.

I agree Poodle. We share our thoughts, and we ponder what is best to do. In the end, the only voice that counts is that of the Holy Spirit. You are being obedient to Him. At the same time you are respecting your ES's wishes. Only God can change the hearts of our heartless EC. We keep praying.

I have come to realise and understand that my son really means what he says ... So I have decided to give up sending anything in any shape or form to his house anymore. Last year he told me they would be dumped back in my garden. His girlfriend said her son ...my grandson..is nothing to do with me... The two other children sweet love,t girls from his marraige i will buy for and arrange to meet the eldest to pass them on to her. She is thirteen. Wants to see me but its so difficult to make proper arrangements. Sad situation

The first year of my estrangement I bought presents for ES and DIL and put them under the tree. They never showed, so I returned the presents.

Last Christmas we were reconnected but strained. My son told me that they did not want me to buy any presents for him and her but I "could" buy a present for 4 year old granddaughter. They came for Christmas Eve for a short visit, for GD to get her present.

Now, a year later, there were no demands made. I sent them an email saying all the family is gathering at my lake home on Christmas Day. On Christmas Eve my other son is coming to help me get ready for the next day and we will just have pizza, so they can either come and help and eat pizza or come on Christmas Day with the rest of the family. Haven't heard from him.

Her dad and step mom live only 10 minutes from them and they are together all the time. I am one hour north and see them about once every 2 months. Stay tuned - wonder what they will do?

When my daughter cut off contact, she never gave us an explanation and she never even said do not send anything. When I had her address, I would send gifts to my daughter and have since learned she never even bothered to open the packages and I guess they were just tossed away...

We will continue praying for these children.

poodlegirl, proud of you for making a decision, which is really for your own self-preservation and protection. We recently had to explain a decision we made to our ED, and we told her that we are not going to voluntarily walk into a firing squad or any situation that causes us guaranteed pain and anguish. Had too much of that already. I actually think it is good for our ED to see us protecting ourselves and going on to live confident, productive lives- with or without them. They need to know that the world doesn't wait for them to stop being selfish and life can go on without them.
Didn't mean to preach, but, as you know, estrangement makes us tougher and wiser!!
Enjoy your precious family that you do have around you.
Hugs :)

I experience the same feeling poodle. I cannot bring myself to walk down the toy aisle anymore, even just to think about what I might buy for my GC, even if I were allowed. It makes me physically ill, and I have to walk away.

I no longer even try to go near the toys, or the children's clothing department. May God comfort us, and forgive our children for the pain they've caused.

poodlegirl ... I think you made a wise decision. I think they just would have ended up in the trash.

I am 5 1/2 years into this silence and no contact from my ED and grandkids .... and my thoughts now on Christmas and gifts or no gifts is that
because of the EC's selfishness, the grandkids miss out on so much more than toys, and that is something you just can't send in the mail or put in a package to be tossed in the trash. It's just lost and rejected. So, I try not to feel bad about not sending gifts ... I know that I might as well take the money and throw it in the trash myself, but in the grand scheme of things ... they lose so much more than toys ....

So, don't sweat the small stuff, the Christmas gifts ... and just pray for their hard hearts.... hugs ... estrangement puts us in such awkward uncomfortable and unnatural situations, especially during the holidays ... they have truly cut off their nose to spite their face and have been deceived by the father of lies ... satan himself....

Agreed. EC are missing out. One day they may realize it. We keep praying.

givingup----I LOVE what you wrote here, it really is like a "firing squad".....so much wisdom thank you.----->"we told her that we are not going to voluntarily walk into a firing squad or any situation that causes us guaranteed pain and anguish. Had too much of that already. I actually think it is good for our ED to see us protecting ourselves and going on to live confident, productive lives- with or without them. They need to know that the world doesn't wait for them to stop being selfish and life can go on without them."

It not only affects our children, the grandchildren suffer and become distant . It is difficult to have a proper relationship with them. We are older and never know how long we have to share times with them. Causes more and more division in familes. The enemy loves it.

Thank you dear friends for all of your kind words and affirmation. God bless you all!

A few weeks ago DH and I discussed the situation with ES and how he has cut us off entirely. He said we weren't going to buy Christmas presents for some one who treats us terribly. I really have no idea how or why he did this. We took our oldest GD out for dinner in Nov. and she got upset at something very innocent that DH said just kidding around. GD told us to take her home and she didn't want anything to do with us. All communication was then cut off even from GC on FB. Since there is no way to communicate and they have made it clear that girlfriend and her family are all that matter and we don't exist. I am so broken hearted but there is no sense in trying to go over there to deliver presents. If we sent them gift cards, ES would probably open the mail and take all the cards for himself and they would never be told of them. I feel terrible about not seeing them and having our usual Christmas celebration, I just miss them so much. My DH told me to stop torturing myself because we have no control over this situation. So we aren't doing anything which leaves just DH and me alone but I know that through our faith, God will get us through all of this. He is the only one who can tell us what to do and do anything about their stone hearts. I'm sure the GC will ask about us and will be told we didn't bother with them but there is so much more to it than that. I really am afraid of ES and his verbal attacks and wonder if they could go as far as physical attacks. I"ve been crying a lot and asking God to be with them but especially the children.

Only God can change their hearts. So true!