saved, What a good prayer request you brought up. Let's pray that one day In God's way that our prodigals will realize truth. The enemy has them blinded. Let's never give up our hope in God. All things are possible.

My ED has Oppositional Defiance and became involved in drugs at the age of 13. From 13-17 we worked so very hard through Christian Counseling, Psychiatric Counseling, Dr. appointments, Treatment centers. etc. The situation only became worse and we spent time with her in juvenile detention and treatment programs. She left home at 17 and we ended up having to emancipate her from us to protect ourselves. We had an on/off relationship for a number of years afterward and as she continued her education in nursing. Then she informed us she wanted nothing to do with us ever again and that has been 15 years ago. My son still has some contact with her and I know that she is married and works in her nursing career. She seems to have a normal life that involves her in-laws. But she still will not have anything to do with her father and I. It is heartbreaking and has been a very difficult road to travel. That is how I became an estranged parent. It's been long and hard, but my faith in the promises of God is what gives me hope and it is how I find joy in each new day, in spite of my deep loss and sorrow.

StrayAway, I am so sorry to hear of this long journey that you have had with your ED. God often works behind the scenes. As a nurse, she must see how short life can be. God willing, one day she will reach out. God bless you.

strayawaychild, Im sorry for your circumstance and I know what the pain is like because my daughters who are 23 went through something similar. It was awful and sometimes I blame myself for not discipling them the right way or not being home enough, etc. Thankfully we pulled through it and they are doing ok now. However my youngest son who I am estranged from grew up watching them and the struggles. We did seek counseling from several therapists to get advice and was involved with juvenile court / Chins. We have been through hell and back. i know for sure that I would be dead right now if the Lord had not sustained me through it. I am not that strong but God is.

Strayaway, thank you for sharing. I am sorry for your loss and long journey of this. I do agree God works behind the scenes and sometimes we do not get to see the miracles that he can do and shine through the darkness.

I became an estranged parent when my then 14, almost 15 yo daughter was lured away by her biodad who turned out to be a pedophile. She ran away under the guise of wanting to be with her birth mom, it was an open adoption, her biomom is an addict and my husband's younger sister. She lived with her for about 9 months. Then, got arrested for assault against biomom. Spent 6 months on probation and lived with mom's sister. She went back to bio mom's for a few weeks and then at 16 she sent her to live with biodad and his mother. He convinced her that he was in love with her and we wanted nothing to do with her. He's abusive, physically and sexually, but has her completely under his control. She's been diagnosed bipolar, has ADHD, ODD, probably antisocial personality disorder, too. She is an addict now too, thanks to bio dad. He's an addict and drug dealer. I've tried for 2 years to get him prosecuted with no success. Biggest issue, she is now 19, we didn't know any of the incest and physical abuse and drug use were happening until a month after her 18th birthday. Legally, she's an adult and we can't force her to take meds or get help. Just found out that she was arrested in October for shoplifting and now I just found out that she committed federal fraud. I had to report her so that we would not be prosecuted. I am really worried now that we might go to jail or get arrested because she falsified information on her financial aid form saying that he was her parent instead of us, to get pell grant and loan money for college classes that she quit attending. I wish that I had gotten her emancipated so this wouldn't have happened. For financial aid, the government sees us as her legal parents even if she lives somewhere else until she is 24. We adopted her at 5. She lived with us from 15 months on, but the nurture could not override the nature (DNA) of the parents. It breaks my heart. The only hope for her is a miracle - living where she is in Ohio, going to rehab, getting counseling and treatment for her mental health issue. I pray everyday that the biodad goes to prison becasue until he does, then she won't even consider any of this, even then, I don't think she'll hit the "pig pen experience" for many years to come. Sometimes I get angry that God has allowed this to happen, I try to be thankful she's still alive so there is a little hope. But, some days I wish that she was at peace with the heavenly Father, she gave her life to the Lord as a child and I believe that she is saved by grace. Sometimes I hear Joyce Meyer's testimony and pray that one day that can be her story, but I've never seen any signs that this child has a conscious. She also has RAD, she's never been affectionate, has no remorse for what she does wrong, and never did. It would truly be a miracle for her to change courses. I hate that this monster has exploited my child, she was the perfect victim/prey for this predator. I get so angry at myself for not protecting her from him. I'm praying that one day something positive will come of all of this pain, suffering and loss. "All things work together for the good of those who love the Lord" I have to hold onto that verse to keep my peace.

Yolanda, Our ED is also adopted. I do relate to the statement that nurture could not override nature (DNA). Our ED came against DH and I with lies and accusations and of course no gratitude. Like you, I will never limit what God can do. God bless you.

Yolanda thank you for you story. We are about to adopt a little one we have had since he was 16 months of age. He turned 4. I do worry about the DNA genetics as the whole family has substance abuse issues. RIght now we still do visits about 3-4 months out but I think bio mom is using again. And worry.

" But we also believe the new DIL may have said something or encouraged something? to push this along as ES also left his grandmother along with his brother, father and myself, as we have all been told we caused too much stress and drama. How can everyone in your family cause stress, drama all at the same time.?"

-----

I think because the family are people, with personalities, and the EC seems to view himself or herself as the only one with needs, or allowed to have a personality. Or simply can't handle intimacy with the other people as just one of them, as they perceive themselves to be the center of everything.

Also, they (the EC) may feel different from, neglected by, and/or or superior to, the whole family.

This is all hard to articulate, but it is how I would explain it based on my experience with ED rejecting the three of us.

In hindsight, my ED lost all respect for me when she was about thirteen or so. Others, including my Mom, saw it and told me so. If I could go back, I would have left her with my ex and his nut job gf with four nut job kids (mostly farmed out to relatives.). Odd, but I felt compelled to try to educate her, teach her right from wrong, show her a honest work ethic, etc. Dad undermined me every chance he got........Some has stuck, but very little. She chooses to live in the sewer and until she is ready to climb out, that is where she will stay. I will always love her but I do not like who she has become and despite my utmost hope that having a child might encourage her to change, it has only caused her to become more of a helpless, hapless victim. So very sad for my GS, he is my concern now. My ED was raised Catholic and attended Catholic school from age 4 until she was 17. It didn't help, she rebelled, came back for a few good years, and then fell into the depths of absolute chaos, hate and despair. She has been in that dark place for over three years now. Not sure she will come back at this point, but there is always hope. There was significant trauma in her life at age ten, and then her Dad and I split. I can't blame her bad choices on that though.......she is an adult and makes her own poor choices. She chose to blame me for everything wrong in her life. So be it. I have accepted her loss at this point. My life is peaceful, I have learned to relax, I don't dread the trauma of having to deal with her vicious tongue and hateful acts anymore, she actually SAVED me from her torture. For that I am grateful!

FYI the trauma was related to her Dad....he was molested as a young child and it went public after 20+ years (not his doing..nor would he have ever told...) There was no way to conceal it from our daughter. It was horrific.

"I think because the family are people, with personalities, and the EC seems to view himself or herself as the only one with needs, or allowed to have a personality. Or simply can't handle intimacy with the other people as just one of them, as they perceive themselves to be the center of everything." from Alana2.

This was in reference to ritt4me's original post.

Although as a blanket statement this is likely true, there are times when a family is dysfunctional to the point it causes stress for some of its members. It is important that we all take a very serious look at ourselves and make sure we are indeed not creating stress for those around us. There are situations where one person has become the family scapegoat, for example, and in this case the family would be causing stress for that one particular person.

I am the family scapegoat, and only recognized this at the age of 50. My life on a daily basis is peaceful and drama-free, but when I get with my family my stress level goes way up and I feel unsettled. This is obvious when you look at photos of me with others, as opposed to photos of me with my family. For this reason I'm starting to detach from my siblings (but staying close to my father). It's possible this could be the same situation for ritt4me's son. Maybe not, but just thought I'd add some insight.

It is sad when in laws subtract rather than add to the family. I know the feeling well. The only comfort I have found is putting my trust in God that has helped with my anxiety a lot.

I agree Valerieia, all of the estrangement in my family of origin and in my own family has either been added by in-laws or caused by them. But when I dissect my own situations, I always find dysfunction to be at the root of it....alcoholism mostly but also abuse and neglect of ancestors when they were children. I think if I had it to go back again and do over, I would definitely be wary of who my children were spending time with when they began to be ready for marriage. Once the heart is engaged, it is too late to try and explain to that individual that the love of their life comes with ticking time balms inside of their personality that will manifest into the marriage in such and such a way.

We sheltered them when young without thinking. Even to the point of putting them in private Christian Schools, and later home schooling when private schooling was no longer an option. But once they were young adults looking for mates, never gave it a thought about who they were being exposed to. Naturally they chose a spouse from their pier group, and later DH and I found out that much dysfunction was hidden in the in-law family when all of our Estrangement troubles began due to this family's influence on all of us!! Why did we not suspect prior to the engagement....because it was the pastor's kid our kid fell in love with! Now to be fair, our DIL has much potential and is a good mother, but due to being taught to idolize her father who has now gotten so dysfunctional in his behavior that he's went from pastor to cult leader...our DIL is being brainwashed into thinking that we are wicked for leaving the "cult" that that individual church has become.