CHRISTIAN PARENTS of ESTRANGED ADULT CHILDREN Community Group
Estrangement makes it difficult to talk about with family, friends, neighbors and church members. Christians are NOT immune to broken families. Talk about your experiences with those who know how you feel and get positive support through your Christian faith...."In these last days difficult times will come, for men will be lovers of self...disobedient to parents,...
A little background on my situation: Our adult son lived with us off and on after being on his own for two years. The situation became unbearable over a year ago and we had him committed for psychiatric evaluation as he refused to seek treatment on his own. A diagnosis was made and court ordered treatment began. Once released from the hospital he lived with my mother-in-law. He refused to work and when she'd finally had enough, he got on a plane and went to Las Vegas. He burned thru what money he had, we sent him some too, but eventually he became homeless. His contact with us became very hurtful, etc so we cut off all contact. He stayed in LV for approx 8 months. This past May he showed up on our doorstep unannounced. We did not let him in the house and DH called the police. He was told to leave and not to come back. He then went to mother-in-law's and she did the same. The following day he appeared at our home and DH again called the police. They took him to the hospital where he was placed on a 72 hour old. From there he went to crisis housing (Community Mental Health). He had a job for a short time then took himself to the hospital where he was held for evaluation but he refused all treatment so once again the court got involved. Since he refuses to take medication, the court ordered the medication by shots for at least 90 days. His caseworker found housing for him.
Since he has been released from the hospital, I have agreed to chat once/week via text or phone. Very, very hard for me. He still is not working and has every excuse. I have left messages with his caseworker several times but he will not call me back.
Anyway, last night he texted and wants to get together for Thanksgiving. I said no. So then he asked about Christmas time. I told him I didn't know how to answer that.
Emotionally I have been doing much better than I was a year ago but after last night, I feel I am sliding back down. The mom part of me knows I should see him at Christmas time, maybe for coffee or something. But after all this time (over a year), I'm scared.
I am looking for advice from others who have been through this.
Thank you. Pat
Since he has been released from the hospital, I have agreed to chat once/week via text or phone. Very, very hard for me. He still is not working and has every excuse. I have left messages with his caseworker several times but he will not call me back.
Anyway, last night he texted and wants to get together for Thanksgiving. I said no. So then he asked about Christmas time. I told him I didn't know how to answer that.
Emotionally I have been doing much better than I was a year ago but after last night, I feel I am sliding back down. The mom part of me knows I should see him at Christmas time, maybe for coffee or something. But after all this time (over a year), I'm scared.
I am looking for advice from others who have been through this.
Thank you. Pat
There are no Christmas Miracles of Peace and Good Will Toward All. As parents we cannot carry that ball all by ourselves.
Christ was removed from Christmas long ago. Efforts to "Put Christ Back In Christmas": failed. "The Reason For the Season" isn't Jesus...it's commercial spend, spend, SPEND.
True Christians try hard to have "Christmas in their HEARTS" on a daily basis. But as Christians we can be set up for failure by letting SENTIMENTALITY dictate and we even find ourselves expending efforts to sally forth and PRETEND to be One Big Happy Family when that's far from truth.
I once roared with laughter when a person admitted THEY went to those insufferable get togethers where no one liked any of the others very well at all to be present to protect themselves from the carping and harping of malcontents that'd carry-the-day if they weren't there to prevent the bashing. I retorted that only worked if you were last person out the door. And be aware if everyone was getting Text Neck with their cell phones...PRObably dishonoring parents back and forth.
I no longer have sentimental hopes for the holidays. Too many decades of horrible reality to recall. My DH and I will have a wonderful and low-key Christmas this year, surrounded by six dogs who adore us and are grateful for everything we have EVER done for them.
It has NOT been easy, believe me, but I/We are hanging tough. And it helps to read of how Patriarchs (Jacob) handled his children's Sibling Treachery as they colluded, lied, and caused Jacob years and years of misery. (As chronicled in the Book of Jasher, around Chapter 41 onward for a few, available online.)
Sentimentality can make us do really stupid things. And I refuse to bow TO sentimentality and by being present as a group actually give the solid ED and her younger sister who is 1/2 EC and losing ground to that daily, "an occasion to sin". Sitting on the sidelines as I am...what they do and what they say to dishonor us as parents is on THEM.
In the past gift giving was always doled out almost down to the penny, with no child favored over another. This year they reap what they sow. Two loyal to us will get a 1 oz gold piece. The third (1/2 and gaining)
HAD been going to get a gold piece. The ED...nothing. I decided THAT when I read about how Jacob had tried to placate Esau with NICE GIFTS...which were accepted...and then Esau went RIGHT BACK to wanting to murder his brother.
The 1/2 EC had a car accident last week, whining when she called this morning. I offered her my late father's Oldsmobile for a fill in free car. But I know it's not fancy enough - "Grandpa" car and all. She has her big EC three states away looking on Craig's list for a replacement. AND Big EC sis told her, "This year tell people you need MONEY for Christmas."
Who is she going to tell she needs money, pray tell? ONLY ones bit THAT bill are her father and me. So, I hung up the phone and thought, Okay lil' missy, discussing it with the EC as if we are a well to dip from and THINK you're going to get a check for $1200 equal to the usual value of gift. You'll get MONEY all right, probably $300. JOKE IS ON YOU!!!
I'm feeling like Tricky Dick Nixon. I won't be here to "kick around".
What saddens me is THEY THINK I AM STUPID AND CAN'T CONNECT DOTS.
So just because kids have their expectations and are NOT above using Sentimentality Against Parents does NOT mean you have to suit up and prepare to take your place On Stage in the Greek Tragedy Family Drama.
Just saying.
It's your call, Pat, this is just some Experience Talking from an old battleaxe who has heen around the block a few too many times with Christmases PAST so I want none in my future.
Good luck, Pat.
Comes a point, IMO, sometimes we have to learn to take care of ourselves. Or at very least refrain from willingly walking into The Arena.
That's where I'm at. And after always scuttling my needs to fulfill others' desires it feels oddly uncomfortable if it also feels...right. Shake the dust of my feet and all that. For me this is strange and unfamiliar territory, so I grope and step carefully for solid footing as I move forward, because I've been conditioned to keep their feelings first and foremost in our consideration and we're expected to absorb ruthless hurts and come right back for more.
Others' mileage may vary, of course. But at this point I'm darned near destroyed by it going on for years, upheavals as there are blatant campaigns and badmouthing to get other children (siblings) to join the platoon.
I don't need that. I don't need them. Let some of them find a new "hobby".
BTW I am blessed with a DIL where she and I adore one another and are best friends. We've talked about the situation, cried together. My son absolutely BASKS in knowing the two women he loves love each other so much.
My sympathies to all those who have DILs/SILs who are divisive. I'm fortunate that 2 of the 3 SILs have a strong love/caring bond, too.
It's taken me 20 years and a terrible history of hideous Christmases (and other holidays).
After the Holocaust Jews vowed: "Never again!"
I've turned a corner and there's no going back unless there are major changes in behaviors. I do not have to allow myself to be treated like this, as attempts are made to cause The Plague to spread.
I am, after all: The Daughter of a King.
I so fully agree: no more pretending! Get an EC lemon or two...make lemonade elsewhere.
In August there was a kerfuffle and I said I wasn't going to take part in Christmas and pretend we were one big happy family. Gaggle of anniversary and b'days in Aug/Sept (most in the EDs family). I sent the 1/2 there kid her b'day gift and she petitioned I send to big sister which I had NOT been going to do. But did...even after last year of sending a check to cover the combined annivesaries and b'days and check was not cashed 'til mid December (!) so I figured she tore it up and it screwed my bank balance when it came through the bank.
I sent this year and she ackbnowledged receipt via Facebook PM but said she needed to "confront" me then asked if the amount enfolded the boy with the Dec. b'day thinking she coujld "make" me answer so she coujld proceed with "confrontation".
I went from Call Block on phone line...to BLOCKING on Facebook.
It takes a LOT to "push me around a corner" from which there's sometimes NO going back. I may be there. I sometimes only realize it when 'tis a done deed and my "give a darn is broken".
The Serenity Prayer (God GRANT me...) has been sustainng for me.
And I refuse to be ruthlessly taken for GRANTed in this manner.
Bowing out of the Greek Tragedy Drama the ED must be spinning her wheels enough to destroy a tachometere in frustration.
Two of the kids are making special plans to see us (tomorrow when I make pizza after their other-family TG get togethers) and on Christmas, too. SHRUG. Guess 2 out of 4 ain't bad, LOL.