CHRISTIAN PARENTS of ESTRANGED ADULT CHILDREN Community Group

Estrangement makes it difficult to talk about with family, friends, neighbors and church members. Christians are NOT immune to broken families. Talk about your experiences with those who know how you feel and get positive support through your Christian faith...."In these last days difficult times will come, for men will be lovers of self...disobedient to parents,...

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/ CHRISTIAN PARENTS of ESTRANGED ADULT CHILDREN Support Group

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stephanies32
stephanies32
Hi ladies, just a comment. Yesterday I left the group, mainly because I felt misunderstood and attacked. That was very hurtful. I am in an estrangement situation with my adult children. It started way before my divorce, and I have suffered for over 20 years. Without Jesus, I would have not have survived. He is my rock and my fortress, and He has used many people and books to help me understand this insidious grief. We are here to support one another, not give advice, not presume "thus saith the Lord",, or try to fix one anothers situations. The only one that can do that is Jesus Himself. It is overy upsetting to me to hear counsel to "cut the ties" when I believe that is a decision only we as parents can come to before the Lord, after seeking Him and His word regarding the matter. Yes, I do believe God can use an "ass" as in Balaams' donkey to speak to us. I have been humbled by my estranged children as to where they feel I have hurt them, and I have made that right to the best of my ability before God. Whether they choose to accept that is up to them. I have a daughter who has been so wounded by her father that she has made bad lifestyle choices, and taken her anger out on me, because I am the "safe" one who will always love her. Rebuke her, yes, I have, but in love and offers of grace. Put up with her "snarkiness" toward me, no, I have had to ask her to move out because I won't allow her to treat me like dirt under her feet. My oldest son has become the "victim", and everything wrong with him and his life is my fault. Do I still love him, you bet I do, and I relate to him calmly, and in truth. Do I walk away and have no contact when I am treated like trash by him, yes , I do. Do I still send him birthday cards, yes I do. Will there come a day when God may say, it's time to walk on ahead and be united one day in heaven but not here, possibly, God may call me to do that. But not today. Because He has called me to love unconditionally today, and it is the most painful thing I have ever had to do. Do I feel hard and dead inside, yes, sometimes I do, I'm only human. Do I obsess about this mess, at times, but each day is getting better and better as I focus on His purpose for my life, and trust Him to fill the holes in my soul. Bottom line is, we are in a battle, and we are wounded and suffering, and sometimes that just doesn't go away. It is what it is. I read this forum because all of you are a source of strength to me and encouragement. Even if you only have one day that's good, we all need to hear it. I'm posting this because I realized I have a right to be here and my heart is committed to seeking Him and doing His will. Thank you for all you share.
bella479
bella479
Looks like you had earlier already "cut the ties" all on your own or maybe the ES did not sure..... just remember do not cause trouble on here.
barbyzhere
barbyzhere
I'm so glad you're still here Stephanie. We all have something to offer ~ support, love, encouragement, and we all need each other as we deal with life. Please stay.
feellinghelpless
feellinghelpless
Stephanie, you speak words of wisdom. At the beginning of my estrangement God led me to read about David and his son Absolom. David had to run from him because his own son wanted to kill him. As he was running he told his guards not to kill Absolom. He was killed anyway and David grieved over him saying he wished hecould've died in his place. God told me to keep loving my daughter no matter what she does.

Bella, please stop with the negative comments. Stephanie doesn't cause problems.
lindajoan
lindajoan
Thank you for sharing. God is leading you day by day. Estrangement from our EC is one of the hardest things we can go through. A death without closure it has been said. Each of us need the Lord's strength as you have shared. We do not give up praying.

God bless each one here.
poodlegirl61
poodlegirl61
Oh goodness, I must have missed something? I have been offsite for a few days as I have been extremely ill....I guess some sort of summertime flu complete with fever and body aches, you name it. Anyway, I am sorry you felt hurt. And I am glad you are here. I am estranged from my second son (I have four children total) and I do know that everyone deals with it differently. For years, I tried so hard to make him love me again, and even tried to accept his wife (who has severe mental problems) all to no avail. The pain of his rejection was just too much to bear, so after much, much prayer and soul searching, the Lord led me to a place of acceptance. Some of my friends and family (who have never been through the pain of estrangement) have accused me of "giving up" on him, but I have not. I pray daily for him, and yes, I will send the odd text "Love you and hope you are having a good week" to which of course there is no reply. But I HAVE accepted the situation and I guess I have detached. This Christmas for the first time ever in 28 years I did not hang his stocking up with the others, because the pain of seeing it was just too much. And really, I think that is when my healing began. And the Lord revealed something else to me....that in my case at least, estrangement isn't the worst thing. I really thing the Lord is protecting me by NOT letting me see the destruction going on in my son's life daily. Like I said, I am sure none of our situations are exactly alike. But my son's situation is truly horrible. His wife has been in and out of mental hospitals, has tried to kill herself at least twice that we know of, hears voices....and he has two children also. I truly think she is also (and I don't say this lightly) possessed by a demon. I am terrified for my son, and those two babies. So I think to see the chaos daily, and know what was going on, would just kill me. So maybe it is better this way. I do know the Lord has given me peace, but I do not know all the answers, and I don't feel worthy to give anyone advice. All I know to do is share my story. Anyway, bless you, and please feel welcome!
bella479
bella479
poodle......that is how I feel about our ED husband too that he has some demon. The country he is from they do not believe in Jesus so there is a constant spiritual battle going on when we were ever around him. I also believe that God is protecting us by keeping us away from them and that is why no matter what the doors were always slamming shut. We had to finally give up after so much prayer and other Christian advice that we both truly valued that they took the time to help us out. Pretending and hiding from the truth never helps and in the end just is a waste of time. If people ask for help and advice all we can do is tell them what we know, have seen and experienced. Sometimes they don't hear what they want to but then sometimes the 'truth' is just hard to accept. I know for me it sure was.
Sommersmom
Sommersmom
Stephanie, I too, am glad you're still here. Sometimes, in this very sad journey, some estranged parents like myself, struggle deeply with the reality that one or more of our own children do not love us.
When months turn into years, some estranged parents begin to feel free enough in their love and trust in Christ as their everything to "release" their EC to God, and move forward.
This is never an insult to a parent who chooses to continue trying, but some of us can no longer bear the rejection, and have to move on.
I also love my daughter unconditionally.....in my heart and prayers...... not where she has the ability to abuse me.
May God bless all of us as we experience this difficult road......
okaynow
okaynow
i am sorry that you were hurt. There will always be people who tell us what we should do and have all the answers, even our Christian friends. Absolutely none of us knows exactly what the other person is going through. We all have our own journeys. Thankfully we have a God who does. Hoping your future experiences will be more positive.Take care
ruthsandraschilling
ruthsandraschilling
All our experiences are different. What we do have in common is the pain it causes as we love our children unconditionlly. It is heart breaking and very hard to live with. It makes you feel so let down and alone. I find that generally we have to deal with it daily and that people around your life, including other members of the family ...do not want to hear you talking about it. Even they do not know as a Mother how broken we are. I do not know the answer but after the shock of it all happening the silence and loss is hard to live with. Just so thankful to be able to share with others. Without my faith I can't imagine where I would be.
lindajoan
lindajoan
Ruth, So glad you are with us. It is so true. Even other mothers who have not gone through estrangement do not. They may try but they can't.

Without the Lord I would not make it through either. I am weak but He is strong.
ruthsandraschilling
ruthsandraschilling
Some days are worse than others. Today was a struggle. It's so sad to not see your loved ones and could be sorted with forgiveness and understanding. 70 times seven it says in the Bible to forgive. That seems to be lost with some people. I have been rejected by so many people in my life...you start to question yourself. I have a living nature and find it easy to forgive. One day at a time. Bless you all that know such pain.
ruthsandraschilling
ruthsandraschilling
I meant loving! I type too quickly.
lindajoan
lindajoan
Ruth, I so much agree with you about one day at a time with the Lord's strength. You seem to have a kind and loving nature.
agrandmothersheart
agrandmothersheart
RuthSandra, it seems the most loving people are the ones who are often rejected. I'm not sure why this is, maybe it's because we are seen as pushovers and they feel there will be no consequences. It does say to forgive regardless of how many times it takes. I sometimes question this passage. Does forgiveness mean we forget?
barbyzhere
barbyzhere
I heard someone say recently that God requires us to forgive and forget like He does. I don't believe that. God does that, and I'm so very thankful. But I can't find any scripture that says we are to forget. How can we? I have a friend who is an incest survivor. She has forgiven her brother for what he did for several years, but she will never forget. Her point is, when God has healed the hurt, scars are left, but scars don't hurt. She wrote a book about her life and the title is "Scars Don't Hurt". I believe we will bear the scars from our wounds, but one day those scars won't hurt. It may not be till the next life, but we will be healed.