I have been down that road many times. I believe it takes some time in discernment as to how we honor dysfunctional parents who polarize family members and create deep wounding emotional scars. I have learned that God's desire for me to honor my parents was enmeshed in the codepency and emotional derailments I acquired to protect myself from pain. That being said...for me...I speak to her with respect when in her presence...I send her a mother's day card...I refrain from speaking negatively about her..most importantly, I pray for her soul and that some how she will open her heart. I do not engage, relate or spend time with her. My relating to her causes me to become angry, resentful, hurt and frustrated. This keeps me away from He who healed me. Honor my mother? Absolutely. Have a relationship with her? No.

green123 - I am sorry you were raised by dysfunctional parents. You should not have had to go through that.

For me, my ES was a wonderful loving person, had a strong Christian faith and we were a very close family. His estrangement came when he married and his wife made him choose between her and his family. She was not a Christian.

There are no perfect relationships in any situation on the face of this earth, but as Norske1 shared and I wholeheartedly agree with is that despite our having engaged in arguments and disagreements with our parents, we NEVER once thought about quit loving, honoring and respecting them no matter what. Our ECs are fearless and brazen and feel they are entitled to mistreat us any old way and get away with it without future consequences. Remember, it was Satan who gave them the permission to do so. If God was genuinely in their lives, they wouldn't be sinning and breaking the Fourth Commandment of not honoring their father and mother. It will be most interesting to see how our ECs' own children will treat them someday when they trade shoes with us. If God's curse continues, then they will no doubt experience it for themselves and hopefully get a good bitter taste of the agony and cruelty they put us through. God's justice prevails and it clearly states in His Word: "Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord." ~ Romans 12:19 We simply leave our loaned ECs with God to discipline instead of burdening ourselves with them.

"Honor your father and your mother, as the LORD your God has commanded you, so that you may live long and that it may go well with you in the land the LORD your God is giving you." Deuteronomy 5:16

If we didn't love and respect God, we know He would not acknowledge us as His children. Why do we as humans feel obligated to continue acknowledging our children despite the agonizing pain they cause us?
I will never stop loving and praying for my ED, but at the same time, she has made her wishes known and now has to live with it. I will not permit myself to dwell on it and consume my life, the time that is left in it. May God have mercy on our ECs' souls!

This is the truth of God's holy Word. This is a commandment not a suggestion.

Our ED left home 16 months ago at age 20. She wanted to follow a bf and his family. They have since left her life but she has found other enablers. If she did not want to live home and have house rules, ect she could have left in a respectful way and continued family contact. She did not. She told lies and made false allegations (like many EC to justify their positions). Where is the honor in that? Where is the obeying God's Word in that. Our EC are dishonoring their parents thus dishonoring God's way.

I pray that one day our EC would repent to God ,first, and then to us. God bless all of us good (not perfect) parents.

I agree Norske....."We all argued with our parents or disagreed with them - but as the last line above says: EVEN THOSE WHO FIND IT DIFFICULT TO GET ALONG WITH THEIR PARENTS ARE STILL COMMANDED TO HONOR THEM." Jesus further added to/clarified the 5th commandment in Matthew 15:4-9.......

(Speaking to the Pharisees) "For God said, ‘Honor your father and your mother,’ and, ‘Whoever speaks evil of father or mother must surely die.’ But you say that whoever tells father or mother, ‘Whatever support you might have had from me is given to God,’ then that person need not honor the father. So, for the sake of your tradition, you make void the Word of God.

"This people honors me with their lips, but their heart is far from me; in vain do they worship me, teaching as doctrines the precepts of me.'"

At the time of Christ, the Pharisees had twisted the scriptures to the point that they made a "mental" monetary offering to the temple but never actually gave the money. Then they would tell the parents that they had dedicated what should have been given to support the parents, to God. Sneaky little devils weren't they??

I can remember a general conversation with our DIL at a time when things were good that gave me a forewarning of what she believed about "respecting parents." She said that parents need to "earn their children's respect." I thought then that this was strange coming from a Christian girl but did not make an issue of it. (We always walked on eggshells with her - even when things were good.) Under her "newly revised" Pharisaic tradition I took it to mean that the parents had to measure up to her expectations or else no respect. She gave herself permission to determine what was acceptable behavior by the parents and if they did not measure up to her traditions then they could not be a part of her life.

Mom2Guel

I think that even if our EK's would just treat us as they treat their friends and their co-workers it would be acceptable in most cases. Why is it that parents are at the bottom of the list instead of the top?

Signs of the times, I believe. The Bible said this would happen. I suppose in some ways we should not be shocked by it although it is extremely hurtful. Everything in this world (including in our own Country) is backward. It has fallen away from God's ways and His Word. Right is wrong and wrong is right. It is certainly not the way we planned it. God help us each day with His strength to endure this trial of estrangement.

lindajoan - Everything is backward - our country is no longer what our forefathers worked so hard to create. I just purchased a book called Heaven by Randy Alcorn. Has any one read it? Our minister recommended it. We are getting closer to the end of times, although we do not know when. It could be another thousand years or it could be tomorrow.

I need to continue my detachment from my ES and DIL and concentrate on my walk with God. I will continue to pray for them and as Mother's Day comes,it will be a challenge, but I will be with my DH and good son and neighbors who have no children to spend the day with. We all love God and each other.

Absolutely ,Norske1- This is not what God had planned. I will look for that book. I heard it is excellent. Our Pastor wrote a book on the topic of how far our Country has moved from God, also. It is called "The Harbinger". A warning to America.

God bless all of us good mothers who live in a difficult world. Thank the Lord for His grace to those who call upon Him.

I think we discussed this on another thread, the idea that parental honor was thrown under the bus during our generation, perhaps beginning in the 50s. As a child of the 50s, we were raised with respect and healthy fear and obedience being the backbone of our relationship with our parents. I rebelled against that notion in the late 60s as I became "liberated" but when I became a Christian, God showed me how my parents were not my "peers" and I needed to treat them with love and respect, not out of fear, but out of love for them and Him. My children, having been "dumbed down" in public schools, for which I regret sending them to, were raised with the idea that it's optional to obey your parents, and that the children makes the decision as to whether the request to obey is valid or not. This spawned a generation of entitlement and terrible disrespect for the authority we were given. Many moms I knew were alarmed at this independent streak at such a young age, and made the mistake of befriending their kids as if they were on the same level. Big mistake. I stuck to my guns, but I became the bad guy. A disciplinary swat became child abuse and a grounding became oppression. So I am not too surprised at how my kids act towards me as adults now and my only vicarious thought is "wait...." They will be parents too one day!

lindajoan - I just discovered my Daily Strength emails were thrown into my span folder so am just catching up now. I am anxious to check out "The Harbinger". Thanks for the suggestion.

I think you will like the book. It has been on the NY Times Bestseller list for a year now. God bless.

my son has been ordered to have a vasectomy by his future wife so I don't even get to have grandkids...and my son will never know what it is like to have a child that you gave everything to walk all over you

Norske1 said:
green123 - I am sorry you were raised by dysfunctional parents. You should not have had to go through that.

For me, my ES was a wonderful loving person, had a strong Christian faith and we were a very close family. His estrangement came when he married and his wife made him choose between her and his family. She was not a Christian.

No offense Norske1 but his wife is his family. Have you read Genesis 2:24
--Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.
How about Matthew 19:6
--Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.

It is actually Satanic to try to break up a marriage. Yes, Satan works through people sometimes.

MommyDearest - I am sorry but I take extreme exception to your characterization of Norske's intent in her post. She has said nothing at all about breaking up a family, only that her son is not honoring his father and mother. In fact, it was her DIL that caused the break in relationship by giving her husband an ultimatum that he had to choose her or his parents. Norske and her husband have done nothing to interfere in the marriage of their son and daughter and law. I suggest that you go back and reread Norske's story before you judge so harshly. I think you misunderstood.