CanadianMother - You last post said it all. I don't know why, at this time of year, we cannot accept that our EC do not want us around. I ask it of myself all the time. Hang in there. Your ED will hear that you think she needs counseling. I'm pretty sure that it won't help in a reconnect with her. Blessings and Prayers for you.

Canadian, Im sorry it didn't go well. I couldn't imagine talking to my sister right now, it would be more of the same.

I've ranted about this topic in previous posts because there are certain family members of ours that make things worse than others. MIL is that person in our fam. Not because she is a MIL but because she is overbearing and intrusive. It is as if she knew this was the topic of the day yesterday because she emailed me at 2 a.m. AGAIN about everything, after we have made it exceedingly clear we don't want her to do that - we have asked her to call at a decent hour instead. It has been a few weeks since she last did this so she must have thought it was ok to do it again. What am I going to do with this woman?! Things have become tense with her and I don't want it to get any worse. She just can't seem to help herself! I'm a night owl so I see these late emails and then I can't sleep. But she doesn't care about that at all. She just needs to get off her chest whatever she is thinking at 2 a.m.
Just ranting here because where else can I?! Thankful for this place!

Chocolate, Pretty sure you can not change her. The only thing I would do is make sure I didn't check emails at that hour even if you are up. Can you ignore them all together? You told her nicely to stop. That is your final word.

Prayers for all of you who are struggling with family members either making the estrangement situations worse, or are not helping. I am sorry I ever spoke about my situation with either my parents or my brother and sister-in-law. They have sided with my ESs, and have even made arrangements numerous times to see my children and grandchildren without letting me know about it. I hope that if I were in their places that I would have encouraged my estranged children to take some actions to be reconciled, especially since they all know fully the level of hurt and distress that the estrangement has caused for me. Instead they have chosen to use the estrangement to their advantage, and to use it to hurt me also. I definitely understand what all of you are saying, and pray that Jesus would use all of us as instruments of peace and unity, rather than division should any of us have that opportunity in situations of estrangement amongst our relatives and friends.

Family members are for sure the hardest. There is so much competition among siblings, I admit it it is just our sin nature. Jesus said"I did not come to bring peace but a sword", yes, He can really come between us and our family members. If they were living close to His Word they would be prayerful not harmful. My sister is 8 years older and has always relished in my children siding with her.

It's like it's some sort of "victory" for these unhelpful/unsupportive family members. I know my sister gets some kind of sick satisfaction out of giving me grief.
Chocolate, Im sorry about your situation. I too, have a VERY difficult MIL. I have always had 3 people in my marriage.
If these family members cant be helpful, then they need to shut up! IMO

gordos - Oh how I wish I could say that to them some times! They (MIL in particular) think they are helping and totally invaluable to the situation, can't for a moment imagine they are making it worse. Totally impossible to reason with that mentality.
lindajoan - my ongoing saga with my MIL emails! I was so good about never checking email after 9 pm for weeks. Then I got to feeling good that she wouldn't do this to me again. Ironically, I did not even check my email last night, my email was closed, and to the best of my ability I had turned off all email notifications, however, a notification popped up on my screen while I was glued to an episode on HGTV (I have tv on my pc). I could clearly see who it was from and I might as well look at it since I knew it was there. When DH gets home tonight I'll have him see if he can find wherever that notification came from. Technology is definitely messing with me lately! Now I'm stressed with whether to reply or not. Ugh. I probably won't. She'll figure out she crossed the line again. It feels passive aggressive to not reply though and I hate doing that. Oh well.

I understand that not resounding would not be kind. Maybe you could give it a little time, first.

I ended up writing a rather lengthy email to my sister yesterday. I laid it all out. I said I've offered to go for counselling with my children, have extended apology after apology, etc. etc. etc. i said I've done everything I can do and that there is something my children are gaining from holding onto anger towards me. Until they come to a place where they value a relationship with their mother, nothing can change. I told her of the extent of my own pain and grief, but that I need to let my children go again and just pray for them. There was more, but that was the gist of it. I know it will be twisted around but I reread it many times to make sure it said what I want it to say. They all talk amongst each other about the situation so now they have my view of things (I know that email will circulate). In short I asked when everyone will feel I've suffered enough for my transgressions (they feel I've been a terrible mother)?

Thankfully I can see and feel God's forgiveness even though others want to hold onto anger and hate. He is blessing me abundantly with health, a good husband, and a growing ministry of sharing his love to others.

Oh my, yes they can.......even when they are trying to help. It is called enabling!

Canadian, YOU are the winner in the end, if you are sharing about God.

Gordos, I can relate to how you feel about your sister's behavior! In my family I've been betrayed like this by my SIL, my parents, cousins, and most of all my 3ES! One of my ES got involved in my Work Comp case and tried to slander my reputation. And yes, I believe you are right about your own dysfunctional childhood being a factor. There is alcoholism in my family and I have had similar issues like you are describing, because growing up that is the kind of behavior my kids watched play out against me, because my parents would encourage them to complain about me to them when they were little and then later my SIL got involved with my ES because she was encouraged by my parents disapproval of me and so encourages ES#1 to shun me now.

The mental health professionals label that kind of behavior and also this is what your sister is doing to you as "triangulation"....when she goes to everyone with her so-called problems with you or your son behind your back or comes to you instead of going to your son. She is trying to get you or them on her side so that she can feel justified for her actions towards you and him.

It is because she really feels insecure about what she's done and needs reassurance that she is right. Sadly there isn't much you can do about it to make her quit or clean up the mess she is making for you in your family with others. Been there, done that so many times in mine and even after getting professional help for myself, there weren't any answers for this kind of betrayal other than forgive and let it go, lest you get bitter and make all kinds of worse problems for yourself!

The Bible says to pray for those who "spitefully" use you, and I personally have found praying blessings and the Blood of Jesus over these situations and the person doing them is the best thing to do. The Blood really seems to dilute the damage and tame their tongues and things get quiet until the next time they have something to run with.

As the Bible says, we wrestle not against flesh and blood....it is the enemy inside of them that drives them to do these things to us and so we must fight the enemy with the Blood!

Thank you lostall3 for reminding me of praying Christ's blood over them! I saw my sister at the local grocery store, we just looked at each other & acted like we didn't know one another. I know that sounds immature, but she has hurt me so many times, I literally want nothing to do with her. It has taken me a few months, but I am finally able to pray for her with a sincere heart. I know that doesn't sound good, but I feel like a hypocrite praying for someone when I am still upset with them. She is the oldest & has always felt like she has some authority over the rest of us, like telling us where we've screwed up. She conveniently forgets all the times SHE screwed up. I have no desire to get revenge, I don't talk bad about her, never have, except to vent to my husband. He told me he had her figured out from almost day one, but I have been her doormat my whole life...no more.

I've also started to pray for the siblings who have shunned me. After recent events I've had to accept that nothing is going to change, and I need to forgive for my sake. Forgiveness doesn't mean the situation is going to change…. they need to let go of all their hatred and anger first, but it lets me keep on keeping on. :-)

Now I'm focusing on my next speaking engagement and doing more writing again. Let them continue to throw darts. I have the shield of faith protecting me.

Some of you might want to read up on scapegoating. When I did, it put everything into perspective for me. All this estrangement is, is the next generation of me being the family scapegoat.