CHRISTIAN PARENTS of ESTRANGED ADULT CHILDREN Community Group

Estrangement makes it difficult to talk about with family, friends, neighbors and church members. Christians are NOT immune to broken families. Talk about your experiences with those who know how you feel and get positive support through your Christian faith...."In these last days difficult times will come, for men will be lovers of self...disobedient to parents,...

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/ CHRISTIAN PARENTS of ESTRANGED ADULT CHILDREN Support Group

Family members can make estrangment worse

gordos4
gordos4
My sister, the most judgmental person I know, has fed my son's contempt for me over the years. She always tried to be a "hero" in his eyes. She told him personal things about me that were told to her in confidence. I never dreamed my OWN sister would betray me like this. It backfired on her in January when she gave him $300. He couldn't pay her back, so she started harassing ME. After 2 months, I was tired of hearing about it, so even though we really couldn't afford it, I gave her the $300. She told me it was my responsibility to repay her the money! She said she was going to take him to court, & I knew that was the last thing he needed, so I gave in. Ive regretted it ever since. She always says "you know, you weren't a perfect mom", & "what are you going to do about him?" I asked her what could I do? He's almost 29 years old. I finally got her when I asked her "what are YOU going to do about your son?" Her & I haven't spoken in 4 months now. I finally had to tell her not to call me if she was just going to harass me about my kids. I think it is the result of our own dysfunctional childhood. I now hear she is talking to other people about it! I don't want to call her & confront her, it may turn ugly. I wish she would just keep her mouth shut! Sorry for the vent.
edr1961
edr1961
All of us are here for almost the same reason,some its totally ec,some are strained relationships with children and some people,family members,have just a coating of whats has happened to us and not whatis going on deeper,just what we tell and they make there own picture inthere own head,sometimes i wish i dont say anything to anyone but i would blow upif i didnt.And you feel what more can these ungrateful grown children want from us.I am with you .HUGS FOR YOU.I guess i am just mad today.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I'm talking with one of my sisters about it on the phone in about half an hour. Anyone who reads this, please pray about the conversation. My daughter in particular speaks to this sister quite frequently. I really need to feel I have the support of some of my own family.
chocolatecat
chocolatecat
I am learning what NOT to do from our family members too. I would never meddle the way they do or advise people's kids against their parents wishes. It has caused far more stress for us because they involve themselves than we would have otherwise. They are not helping even though they think they are. MIL gave ED $$ too, even though we told her not to. We found out and confronted her months later when she didn't tell us about it. It just furthered ED's lack of responsibility for her own choices and sense of entitlement. It set her back and made her life and future worse. MIL is sure she helped. That's only one example......I could go on and on! I guess the best that I can gain from this is learning what not to do to people and their kids in the future. We are so tired of busybody buttinskys! They are making our problems worse - what kind of people do that?!!!!
gordos4
gordos4
I hope it goes well CanadianMother. You would know by now if your sister was bad-mouthing you.
edr-I just want to stay away from my sister, she is toxic for me. hugs back
gordos4
gordos4
I know chocolate, I have NEVER interfered with my sisters relationship with her kids. I have never bad mouthed her to her kids. I feel she is in a dark place right now, I try to pray for her everyday, but sometimes, it's hard.
chocolatecat
chocolatecat
gordos - I can pick out easily the couple of people in our families that do not interfere and I really appreciate them. Maybe there is somebody in your family that quietly knows and appreciates the fact that you don't do that - even if your sister doesn't realize or appreciate it. Those are the couple of people in the family that I trust and don't worry about spending time with. It is hard to believe that so many grown adults haven't learned by their age how to support family members and not meddle. Maybe they'll learn that through this too, we can only hope!
gordos4
gordos4
I have 3 sisters, & only one of them is supportive, but she doesn't call very often. My brother has ALWAYS minded his own business. My other 2 sisters on the other hand? I don't have anything to do with either one of them. They do nothing but make me feel worse.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Well the conversation went well in some ways, not well in other ways. She defended my daughter's position for the most part. It was clear that in her mind, I really was a terrible mother and am getting what I deserve. She asked me if I had apologized to my daughter, and I said of course I had. She asked if I had apologized for specific things, and I said I would first need to know what those specific things were. I suggested that she tell my daughter to seek counselling the next time they spoke, and she said she would not do that since my daughter is a well adjusted, strong willed person. Well… hello! She won't speak to her mother, maybe she might want to consider some counselling for that?

I had high hopes for the conversation, but as usual, it has only left me more frustrated.
chocolatecat
chocolatecat
It is kind of slim-pickings for us too. Thankfully my parents are both two people I can count on and also my FIL. But they all live very far from us. Other than that aunts, uncles, cousins, MIL, sister in law, brother in law, not so much. My only sister has a disability that doesn't allow her to understand what is going on. Some close friends have turned on us too but I have two long distance that are ok as long as I don't get into the details with them too much. I guess I am hoping that one day when the EC get their acts together and we are all together again (hoping here) that those who didn't support us will also see the error of their ways. Guess I'm probably dreaming though! At least the Lord knows!
deleted_user
deleted_user
I seem to have had a bit of a desire to make things right again, with Christmas coming up, but the more I think about my conversation today, the more I realize that it's not going to happen.
lindajoan
lindajoan
Canadian, I'm sorry to hear that the conversation did not go better. I always pray that God is working behind the scenes.

Family members can certainly make things worse. There was a time at the beginning of our estrangement almost 3 years ago that my elderly mother would say things about DH and I having been controlling to ED. She did not get the difference between controlling and protective in a 20 year old girl's life.

Our relatives have been supportive and would never side with our ED even if they saw her. Certain friends have said some insensitive things mostly through not understanding estrangement. There is no way to make sense of it so the 'why' questions are the worst. Also, people who too often ask if I have heard from our ED do make me exhausted.

It is a blessing to come here with those who really understand.
deleted_user
deleted_user
You know, the worst part, is that after I hang up from a conversation like that, I honestly start to wonder if maybe they are right. Maybe I DO deserve this.
TXBlue
TXBlue
CanadianMother, sorry things made you feel bad and doubting yourself. You know you did not do anything to deserve this, that is the evil that creeps in and we must remember, God knows we are hurting and we must pray for them to return to God's teachings. Hugs.
whyonlychild
whyonlychild
We don't have problems with family but there are some friends who don't know what to make of our situation. My only brother died 4 years ago but I know he would have tried to straighten out this entire mess. He was a no nonsense straight shooter. Sure do miss him. I can understand why our poor helpless EC get their stories of woe to all family members who then take their side and feel sorry for them. Why it is easier for them to take the EC side and not ours is beyond me. But I guess maybe they still look at our EC as children who need their support? Fortunately, most of our friends just don't say much of anything to us. They just seem to think that something is terribly wrong but not sure whose fault it is. My prayers are with each of you that have to endure family intervening and taking the wrong side of these family disputes. Would be nice if they could be supportive of the parents. Hugs and prayers
lindajoan
lindajoan
No one here did anything to deserve estrangement from their child. It is against God's Word and His commandment. We need to resist this lie from the enemy. The enemy wants to bring is down more. The Lord wants us to persevere in His strength even if it means He must carry us.