P.S. According to memory research, especially by Elizabeth Lofthus, we can't trust our own memories. She says we all have some false memories.

My situation is a little different but just as baffling. My ES rewrites history as well, but instead of making things up, he pretends nothing ever happened! I can't say he has actually accused me of anything, but the things that they have done to us, he just acts like it never happened at all. There have been several times I have pointed something out, and he flat out tells me I am lying. For example, right before he married her, she threw a fit at our house and stormed out, and later that evening he just collapsed into sobbing tears telling us that we were right all along, that she is crazy, how his life with her had been a total hell, how he missed his family, he was ending the relationship, blah blah blah. The next day they were back together and he acted like nothing ever happened! When I tried to bring it up he got very angry and said I was a liar who made the whole thing up!

Oh my goodness YES!!! The things my daughters have said to me, the outright manufactured lies, telling me how I should feel because my feelings are wrong, the stories they come up with - this is the reason things fell apart between us last year. I demanded an explanation for these lies they were making up, why they would say things about me, WITHOUT TALKING TO ME PERSONALLY, that were absolutely false and why they felt they had to disparage my character or why they would even want to - I demanded a full explanation AND heaven forbid, an apology, which I've never received. I've not only not received an apology, but when I cornered them about the things they said, they've never given me an explanation for the things they said, but ignored my requests and then said even more baffling and totally contrived stories that have left me dumb-founded.

When I did not get an explanation or an apology I was so hurt that I told them that I would not sit down at the Thanksgiving table with liars and pretend all is well for the sake of "family unity". I'm sorry, but to do so, is BS in my opinion. How many people, every year, sit down with their families and PRETEND everything is fine, when it is not and so much is left unsaid or unhealed and then you hear of the good 'ol family function meltdowns at one these holiday get togethers?! I was not going to have that. Being married to their father, who was an alcoholic, I had plenty of those types of dysfunctional holidays and I refuse to participate in that manner ever again.

If I don't stand up to this nonsense and call them out on their fabrications and delusions, who will? To just sit and and smile and "make nice" is only ENABLING them to think Mom will take whatever whatever we dish out for the sake of the grandchildren. WRONG! To take whatever they dish out, in the form of lies and abuse, is not setting a health example for my grandchildren - I will not show my grandchildren that their Nana is a doormat - sorry!

I was recently witness to a situation which resulted in my having to discuss the situation with the police, to identify the suspect. My memory of the man was totally wrong, as I saw when the photo was published in the paper. Someone else who saw him described him a certain way and so I ended up remembering him looking that way. The event was firmly etched in my memory but details were a little fuzzy. I was focused on the gun he was carrying rather than him, so could describe the gun very well, but not the man.


I think it is like this with memories. Our children remember bits and pieces, the parts that are important to them. The details get distorted when the events are discussed with others, in my opinion. For example, my daughter insists I never fed her when she was a teenager. Now we were both healthy weights, and so I know I fed her. My ex husband used to tell people all the time that I never cooked, but it was because he was never home at dinnertime, so I ate with my children before he arrived home late. So, my daughter never said this until she started spending a lot of time with her father (my ex). My belief is that the grain of truth that I don't cook the way she likes (I prefer healthy food, she prefers unhealthy), combined with the comments made by my ex, resulted in her firmly believing that I never fed her. Until she is able to unravel this for herself, I simply have to let her believe this. I'm sure you all can come up with examples of your own.

Or maybe I'm just being stubborn, but I take my personal integrity very seriously. I try very hard to live by the golden rule and do apologize when I know I'm wrong. I don't bear false witness about others, I don't lie, cheat, steal, gossip, I've never been unfaithful to my husband or even to the alcoholic husband for that matter. I have a very high standard for how I conduct myself and if I'm out of line or misguided, the Holy Spirit is faithful to gently convict me. I also have to answer to The Lord and be accountable to Him for my words and actions, so I'll be darned if my daughters will get away with smearing my good name. The things they have said about me that are out right lies is nothing less than character assassination! I am so hurt and angry with them, but I know what I feel is a righteous anger - like "how dare you" tear down my person that way! I tried for 23 years to keep the peace and make nice and not make waves, and it seems all that did was make them more emboldened to take their abuse to the next level. No more!

Our ED also told lies and distorted history. Some of what she did was serious against my DH. It did not go farther than hurting us deeply on every level.

One day I pray she may be repentant. That is part of reconciliation.

Thank you for the video.

When I wanted to remarry, both of my daughters asked me to wait another year as they were still trying to process their father's death - never mind they were both estranged from him at the time of his death.

So, my husband and I put off our wedding for whole year per their request.

And what did they do when our wedding day arrived - they didn't show up! So much for waiting a whole year at their request.

And the cherry on top? They now both insist they were never invited to our wedding?!?!? Now how is that possible when I have a wedding album the youngest sent us with a message that she is sorry she cannot attend our wedding?

This just one lie out of many they have convinced themselves are the truth.

Mountain girl, I don't think you are being stubborn at all. I completely get what you are saying about refusing to "make nice" and enable. My entire extended family for years have done exactly that, and they expect me to continue that tradition with my own ES. They still routinely invite him and his wife for weddings, family gatherings, etc. all to my dismay. They have not shown up, thank heavens, but if they did, I am certain everyone would pretend nothing ever happened! I guess that must be where ES gets it from. I however, cannot do that. That is a lie in and of itself to be that fake. And they do twist everything to make it seem the truth. THEIR version of the truth. They tell me I am a horrible, despicable person and that I don't love my grandchildren, and then when I make plans to go, they at the very last minute tell me I can't come, that it is "too late". So now they tell people what a horrible person I am because I haven't been to see the new one, born in January! Yet when we tried to go, they said no!

I feel like I have to add something to this thread of great importance.

My youngest daughter's lies and made up stories are so far fetched that I'm certain she suffers from some kind of delusional disorder. The more I called her out on her lies, the more angrier she got and then she'd make up more lies - never addressing my questions about the lies she was saying, but making up new ones. My husband, her step-dad came to my defense when she tried to get him to side with her against me.

I've been so very concerned about our newest grand-daughter over my daughter's bizarre behavior - she was just not looking after the baby properly. When I mentioned this to her, she then attacked me and my husband and threatened to call my husband's employer and make trouble for him on his job - it was at that moment, I great fear came over me at what she could be capable of!!! Her behavior became vengeful and vindictive and when you put that kind of behavior together with someone who won't bat an eye about smearing you and lying about you, they become extremely dangerous!!! I knew we had reached a point where my daughter had become out right dangerous to us - in that who knows what else she might accuse us of?! Like maybe child abuse?!?!?!???? I do believe she is very capable of trying to ruin us this way and I spoke to my husband at that time that there was no way we'd ever be able to have our grandchildren at our home again, because anyone who will make up all kinds of lies is capable of anything and we had to protect ourselves now. My husband looked at me in horror because he said he had never thought of that! Well, if she threatened to call his job and make trouble for him, what else could she do. It doesn't take much anymore to put a shadow of suspicion on anyone - so we have decided in order to protect our integrity we must not have her in our lives ever again. I bring this up now due to the subject of this thread and maybe it will make a light bulb go off for someone else.

My ED did the same thing to me and my husband, he adopted her when she was 7 years old. I came home from work one day to find the police at my house, she had started slapping my husband in the middle of an argument and he grabbed her arms trying to defend himself, so she began screaming and kicking him. My younger son witnessed the whole thing which I hated but turned out to be a good thing because my daughter told the police he chocked her. When she was 15 she moved in with my mom a year later a state trooper shows up to question my husband, she had accused him of rape after several interviews with the police and social services 3 months later the truth came out that she lied. And police did nothing about it, but at that point we were just glad to have it over. But during that ordeal she and my my mother told Social Services that we were emotionally and physically abusive. At one point she had lied to her school counselor that she had taken a bunch of pills so I took her to the hospital and they pumped her stomach my mother said that was abusive. I thought was allot better than taking a chance of her possibly dying. See the reason she stopped our relationship this last time is because I confronted her in a more in depth manor about the lies and rape accusation and she didn't want to hear any of it. She automatically ended the relationship. So I like MG even if I ever reconcile will never be able to have my grandchildren over because I can;t take the risk of her lying again.

My ES accused me of abuse and neglect. He spent a lot of time at a friends house when he was 15 years old. He told the parents this but they never verified it or spoke to me about it at all. Finally he refused to return home one day and they would not send him back. The friends father filed for guardianship and won because my son was 16 at the time and was able to make the choice of where he wanted to be. There was never any type of investigation into the matter and the court kept pushing it through over 2 years despite me telling them it wasn't true. No one cared if it wasn't true. It took a huge toll on me physically and mentally, it left emotional scars because I knew I was innocent but was powerless to do anything. Before that my son had started pulling away and I had a lot of guilt that I didn't do better or paid more attention to him. Essentially I beat myself up. God has used it though to bring me closer to him but it was one of the worst things I have ever endured and I have been through a lot of other things. The other thing that really severely hurt me was that my older son told me he knew that I was innocent but didn't do anything to help me and essentially ignored me. That hurt worse than what his brother did but I am trying to forgive him now as God commands me to.

Mountain girl, I realized the same thing. That no way could we ever keep her child, and that she was capable of being dangerous to us. I'm just glad she made us aware of that before the baby was born. She saved us, in a way. If she'd had her freak-out after the baby was born and we had been ever babysitting him, the consequences could have been horrendous.

Yes, yes, exactly as you said.

P.S. It was a terrible realization, about the delusions and readiness and capability for inflicting harm. But I'm glad she made it so obvious. We can now protect ourselves.

It's down right scarey how accusations are taken as truth these days. All it takes to ruin someone is to spread lies and false accusations, because of just what you wrote about SavedbyHim. Today people are guilty until proven innocent and that is a perversion of the Enemy - "the father of lies!"

Thank you for sharing your experience Alana2 - I'm glad you were alerted to the dangers of your own situation. The enemy is sly and it is true that he "roams about seeking whom he may devour."