Norske, I am so sorry that your DIL is this way. The way you describe her past is probably the pain reason. She went through a lot with her mother and has a serious trust issue. Sadly, it affected you and DH. She is transferring her anger in innocent people. She spoke volumes when she said she does not share your son's faith. No wonder the way she acts. Although, many unbelievers are still kind and respectful people especially to parents.

I believe you are doing all you can. It is best not to take her to task. It makes no sense. With these disagreeable people all we can do is show love and pray for them. You desire a relationship with your ES and gc,above all,so it is best to hang in there with the help of the Lord unless it gets to unbearable for you. It would be wonderful if you could see them apart from her.

Earn it? How? That's like proving a negative.

I don't think it is possible to be close to someone who is so outspoken ...I have the same problem with my dil so I just keep it to being polite with her but we are not close. Wouldn't say we have a relationship at all. I don't think she wants one in any shape or form. Just keeps me at arms length. She looks after my son and the children well, is capable and keeps a nice home for them. She never contacts me.if I am with them she never chats to me so I don't expect much from her. Sad as after having sons it would have been nice to have another female I could make a friend of. My other sons girlfriend..they have just got engaged is a nightmare. So rude and disrespectful...no contact as she threatened me with an injunction if I contact them again. She added goodbye dear. Not easy to have a relationship when these women are horrible to us.

It's good that at least the one DIL is a good wife and mother on those counts, Ruth. You can rest easy about that much, at least.

Norske----Earn it???? That is a no brainer, stay away no matter what. Sounds like things are going backwards to what they were. What would Jesus do? As hard as it is...he would not associate at all with them. (Matthew 10:14-----And whosoever shall not receive you, nor hear your words, when ye depart out of that house or city, shake off the dust of your feet.)

For one thing she is playing you.....and since she is the "boss". When you get attached to the little one she could yank the rug out from under you. This is how she probably will take her past out on you. It is sad the way this generation is. I am sorry you went through so much stress and hurt this past year. Please guard your heart, this is a different world we live in now. Our DIL plays "Christian" and is completely evil and out for division. The stuff she does is so bad that I know she is not guided by God. It makes me sick to know she is raising our gkids. Unless you are willing to eat crumbs off the floor or dance on egg shells down the road...then be really careful. The key factor that concerns me is your son watched her say that and didn't respond? He is not very caring or respectful to you. Our son told me I had to earn his respect too.

I hope you seek God before letting them in too far.....sometimes we have to love from afar. Hugs to you.

Thank you everyone

Yes Bella, my son heard her say that to me. He said to me rather sternly in front of her in response to my comment that I am afraid of saying the wrong thing and they will estrange again: My son replied "that will not happen".

He loves her to the moon and back, but I sensed that he is getting a little backbone after 8 years of marriage.

Yesterday at the park my son and I played with GD, running around, hide 'n seek, etc. and DIL just sat on a park bench and watched. Since she spent her childhood with an alcoholic mother mostly in her room watching TV, I don't think she knows how to play or interact well with people.

She told me that she had never heard of family traditions like what my son was raised in.

I will pray and pray for her and walk carefully and speak softly.

Norske: What helps me with 'difficult' people is to decide in advance that you will not be offended and let it roll off like water off a duck's back.
Sounds like she is not a believer and has suffered abuse ... so she doesn't know and doesn't care to know how to act any other way.
Your job is to be kind and show her the love of Jesus ... and pray, that's it. Her bad behavior I would imagine has nothing to do with you.
I would continue to offer to watch the kids and do things how she wants ... and just take it one day at a time. I would expect that things will come out of her mouth the wrong way because she doesn't know any better. Just be patient with her ... perhaps God will use you to win her to the Lord.... HUGS....

Proverbs 19:11
11 Good sense makes a man restrain his anger, and it is his glory to overlook a transgression or an offense

Norske, here's a good verse to put on your refrigerator. Memorize it and repeat it 5 times each time before you speak with your DIL!!!! Hope it helps!

Thank you difficulttime2 - I know about all I can do is pray for her and be nice.

I am thinking though that when I move back to the cities, I will invite my niece's 2 little children (9 and 7) over for a sleepover and also invite GD (age 5) and then when she can't come, I'll post pics on FB of all the fun I had with niece's children, just so my son sees and thinks about how silly his wife is behaving.

My DIL didn't even care to look at the brochure about a place I might purchase in the cities, which is only a couple miles from son and DIL and my friend thinks DIL doesn't want me to move back. Now I am over an hour away so it is easier to come up with reasons not to drive up here to visit me but if only 10 minutes away, it won't be as easy to convince my son and GD no time for a visit.

Gosh - when does it end?

It is all so frustrating and totally unnecessary. Why can't they just care about us in a proper manner. I don't get it at all. It's not as if we live with them. Thank goodness!! That doesn't bare thing about . I feel very alone ... Feel almost conditioned to it now. I have a few friends but with health problems I am limited. Good job I don't mind my own company. At least it is peaceful. I would be the first person to admit I was in the wrong to anyone. Young ones today are so full of themselves and selfish. It's all about them!!

That's sounds a good idea.

Norske: I would be careful about having ANY expectations of your DIL or son. For whatever reason it seems like they just can't or won't 'step up.'
For so many, I think their 'love has grown cold' .... It took me a very long to realize that my ED truly doesn't care about us, AT ALL. There is no love in her.
I'd think twice about moving closer to them I really would.

I think the key is to understand that our days of 'teaching' our kids anything ... and that includes DIL ... is over. Any effort to show them anything or teach them something is futile IMHO. They aren't capable ... they don't want to be bothered ... It is ALL ABOUT THEM. Once you understand that, it just makes it easier to let go and let God.

We are now only responsible for US.... If the get a clue and come around better one day, then great ... but until then, we need only have expectations of ourselves. If they do behave graciously toward us one day ... then it's icing on the cake. In the meantime, don't set yourself up for disappointment. Just my 2 cents IMHO.

Yes it is hard to accept the fact that our children just do not care ... Takes some accepting.

Norske, Do you want to live that close to them?

I feel for you with the daughter in law. No good asking me as I have a poor relationship with mine. She shows by never contacting me that she is not in the least bit interested in who or what I am about. She is not friends with me on Facebook ..has contact with everyone but certainly not with me. When I do see her she hardly speaks, unless I speak to her. I feel sad she is so cold towards me but not much I can do. Can't say anything to my son as he panders to her and we would end up falling out. That would be cast on one side by both my sons then. I didn't t see him for four years once because of her rudeness. We are ok now as long as I keep neutral and just polite but o way would I say we had any sort of a relationship. It's all her own family. Think that goes for lots of women and our sons allow it. So we are up against it al, the tine. Never imagined it would be this way.